TO ALL MY WEIDERS



As I was castigated by one of my accidental readers yesterday, there is in fact such a thing as a "Crossbow Home Gym". The reason I mention the "Crossbow Home Gym", other than to attract more accidental readers, is to say that I'm pretty skeptical about the "Crossbow Home Gym". I used to own a Soloflex, which is the "Crossbow Home Gym" with rubber bands instead of tubes, and here's pretty much how that went down:



- I bought the Soloflex for more money than I'd ever seen in one place.

- The Soloflex arrived in three or four cardboard boxes which weighed slightly more than Jupiter.

- I found a nice spot in my apartment and put the Soloflex together, which burned about 3500 calories by itself.

- My landlord stopped by and told me to move the Soloflex, because it was on a carpet and he said it would get the carpet greasy. The Soloflex is made of steel and has no grease anywhere on it. My landlord was and surely still is a certifiable knucklehead.

- I moved the Soloflex to a less desirable location, burning another 3500 calories.

- I used the Soloflex 3 times a week for 12 weeks, just like it says in the directions. Well, maybe 2 times a week some weeks. Well, since I had to stick it in a spare bedroom with no access to a TV or stereo system, and oh yeah, I'm really, really LAZY, I kinda stopped using it altogether on some weeks. Ok, every week.

- I put the Soloflex back in the cardboard boxes (3500 more calories!).

- I sold the Soloflex for an amount of money I was eminently familiar with.



For all my troubles, I burned about 10,500 calories putting it together, moving it, and taking it apart, plus the few hundred I burned actually using it as intended. I'm thinking the "Crossbow Home Gym" would yield similar results, except I now own instead of rent, so the calories expended would drop by 3500.



And, of course, I'd miss all those warm, wonderful, kind, and thoughtful people down at my health club...

YOU'LL READ IT AND LIKE IT!



Let's see...



Nothing humorously interesting has happened to me in the last few weeks. I am not currently angry about anything. The news is a relentless drumbeat of depressing sameness. It's too cold to go watch movies or otherwise leave the house. Television has settled into a fragmented patchwork of lame reality shows, bad sitcoms, derivative cop shows, and endless cable re-runs. My football teams have been eliminated from contention. Baseball is weeks away. I am deep in the middle of my Seasonal Affective Disorder. The book I am reading is leaden and lifeless. Work is...work.



Nope. You ain't gettin' no blog entry today!



Except for that cop-out above, of course. Boy, I must be the only blogger campaigning for negative Blizg votes.

D.I.Y.



Write your own joke:



The Bush Administration wants to administer literacy tests to pre-school children who take part in the federal Head Start program.



Here's one: The tests will be rolled out as soon as they find one that the President can pass.



Submit yours today!

TOP TEN '"AL SHARPTON FOR PRESIDENT" CAMPAIGN SLOGANS



10. "Nuttier Than Alan Keyes, With Half The Integrity"

9. "OK, White America, If It Makes You Feel Any Better, Tawana Lied. Can We Move On Now?"

8. "Elect Me, And Nicole's Real Killer Will Be Found"

7. "More Controversial Than Jesse Jackson, With Half The Vocabulary"

6. "If Elected, I'll Make Don King An Ambassador, So At Least We'll Get Rid Of Him"

5. "I Will Help The Downtrodden, Like Michael Jackson"

4. "I'm Smarter Than Bush, And I Even Look Better In A Cowboy Hat"

3. "I'm Not Hillary"

2. "If I'm Still Too Fat, No Problem, Just Throw Me In Jail Again"



And the Number 1 "Al Sharpton For President" campaign slogan is:



1. "At Least You're Paying Attention To Me"

WOULD I LIE?



Sorry, no entry today. I was kind of busy at work, as revolting as that sounds. However, if you look through my past entries, you will discover:



a. The key to Revelations

b. The Kentucky Fried Chicken secret recipe

c. The missing 18-1/2 minutes of the Nixon Watergate tapes, and the identity of Deep Throat

d. The end of split ends forever!



So get digging!

DAVID MANNING: "LOVED IT, UH, THEM, WHATEVER!"



In an unprecedented move, the films "National Security" and "Kangaroo Jack" agreed to merge, forming the film "National Jack".



Columbia Pictures and Warner Brothers, which released the two films, agreed to the merger yesterday after analyzing data from advanced screenings. "We've established that the two films have essentially the same story, the same characters, and the same theme, and are equally as lousy, and that it would be foolish to show the films separately in twice as many theaters as they can support," said a spokesman.



According to the merger agreement drawn up by the two parties, the merger will be accomplished by editing .466 frames of "National Security" in with every frame of "Kangaroo Jack". "Kangaroo Jack" Producer Jerry Bruckheimer added, "I was actually thinking of moving the whole thing to Los Angeles and hiring Martin Lawrence to play the Kangaroo, so this move is really the best of all possible worlds."



The two companies have announced that synergies from combining the two films could run into the tens of millions.

DO NOT READ THIS



Ever wnder what it's    lke to have a migraine? Well, it's kinda like

this. You have                   this blind spot on your fierld of vision and you

pretty much                           can't form proper senternces and you

talk gibber                                   ish and you feel like you're gonna

die reallt                                       soon and you just

as soon                                         would rather go

to bed and                                   your head is ponding

and you are                             dizzy and trust me

it basically kinda                   sucks and I would't

reccommend it to any         one, frankly.

CBT ME



Things I like about computer-based training:



- Very easy to turn it off and read "The Onion" instead.

- Hard to obsess over the instructor's bald spot.

- No uncomfortable conversation about the Iraqi situation with the hotel shuttle driver.

- Temptation to eat 27 Krispy Kreme Chocolate Iced donuts in one morning is nearly non-existent.

- Zero chance of being cavity searched by security personnel.



Things I don't like about computer-based training:



- No tent cards. I don't really like tent cards, I just like saying "tent cards".

- No complimentary bars of soap, bottles of shampoo, towels, bedspreads, clock radios, TV's (boy, are they hard to pack, and I always forget to take the remote), etc.

- No "return from business trip" sex.

- Missing of Free Continental Breakfast.

- Zero chance of being cavity searched by security personnel. I have my moods.

AT LEAST IT'LL BE WARM IN FRONT OF THE TV



At 12 Noon, I will be logging on to buy Eagles NFC Championship Game tickets. I figure I ought to see some of the most obscure and bewildering messages for why I can't access the Ticketmaster server. I will post them here in this space later today after my quest is thwarted by various ticket brokers who have hired hackers to stage what are sure to become dueling Denial Of Service attacks.



UPDATE: It was pretty anti-climactic. All I got were blank screens, and the little blue progress thingy on the bottom of the browser, until about 12:12, when there was a message that tickets were no longer available. C'est la guerre.

MILLIONS VOLUNTEER TO CONDUCT STRIP SEARCH



The crack journalists at Reuters have committed countless funds and man-hours to the question that has been plaguing the world for months. Their tentative answer: No.



White House spokesman Ari Fleischer released a statement today saying the President has no comment on the conclusions, but that the Clinton Administration should be blamed for "coddling" on this issue, and for "putting us in the position we are today." "We could know better, and we should know better, and if anyone could have obtained the information, it was Bill Clinton," said Fleischer.



I have also conducted my own exhaustive web search for evidence, which took up most of the morning, examining hundreds of examples of forensic photography, and to this point, I have to agree with Reuters. But if you think I'm giving up that easily, that's where you are mistaken. The search will continue until all possible leads have been followed. In fact, this investigation should promise to make Hans Blix' little operation look like a Girl Scout scavenger hunt.

NOT IN THE MOOD TODAY



Sorry, folks. No lame attempt at humor today. A work acquaintance of mine died yesterday on the US Airways Express plane that crashed in Charlotte. He was the guy I wrote this about.



So, say a prayer for his wife and two little kids, if you're into that sort of thing.



Mike, you will be missed.

CONGRATULATIONS!



Anna Nicole Smith topped Mr. Blackwell's 43rd annual Worst Dressed List for 2002.



In related news, Mr. Blackwell topped the list for Most Irrelevant Self-Important Washed-Up Has-Been/Never-Was for the 43rd straight year.

AL-KITTY



It turns out the recent FBI terrorism warning about five foreigners entering the country illegally was a hoax.



However, the FBI has issued a new terrorism warning based on information gained from another informant about two other foreigners who have entered the country several years ago. They've released a photo of the suspects.



The FBI says the suspects are experts in using biological agents and psychological warfare methods, and should be considered dangerous.

TIM MILLIONAIRE



Sorry, I've been gone a few days. I went out to LA for a modeling shoot. I thought it went pretty well. I just got the photos e-mailed to me.



I was a little cold here. That's why my arms are crossed, and um, it isn't so big.



I felt pretty comfortable in this one. Jeez, I must have been thinking about Karen Grassle NUDE! there.



This was me doing my sundial imitation.



I'm hoping for my own TV show out of this, if not on FOX then maybe on that PrideVision channel up in Canada.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...HIM



Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'll be spending it at a birthday party...for somebody else.



If this state of affairs doesn't describe my existence to this point, I don't know what does.

VH-HUH?



My wife and I spent New Year's Eve watching "Top 100 One Hit Wonders" on VH-1. It started at 9 PM, and went until 2 AM. It wasn't exactly Times Square, but I did learn a lot of useless trivia. Since most of you were inebriated at the time of the show's airing, I will relate the highlights to you.



- The lead singer of Bow Wow Wow ("I Want Candy") is Burmese.

- There was no such person named "C.W. McCall" of "Convoy" fame. The name was made up for a series of commercials from which the song arose.

- Michael Sembello wrote "Maniac" for a horror movie soundtrack. The producers of "Flashdance" called, said they loved the song, and asked him to change the words.

- Lipps, Inc. ("Funkytown") was really a white guy.

- Andrea True from the Andrea True Connection ("More, More, More") was a porn star.

- "867-5309" was the phone number of people in over 100 area codes.

- Minnie Riperton ("Loving You"), who died of breast cancer in 1979, is the mother of Maya Rudolph from the cast of "Saturday Night Live"

- Paul Shaffer was a co-writer on "It's Raining Men". Yes, that Paul Shaffer.

- Martha Wash of The Weather Girls ("It's Raining Men") also sings on C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)", but was considered too overweight to appear in the video.

- The Tom Tom Club ("Genius Of Love") included Chris Frantz and Tina Weymouth from Talking Heads. I should have known this, but I didn't.

- Nick Gilder ("Hot Child In The City") is a full-on freak. That's really an opinion, but I'm sure it is shared by a majority of viewers.

- The Verve sampled the Rolling Stones to make "Bittersweet Symphony", got into big trouble, and broke up. Another one I missed.

- Debbie Boone ("You Light Up My Life") was briefly married to Rob Halford of Judas Priest, before Halford came out of the closet.

- David Letterman starred on the Starland Vocal Band's ("Afternoon Delight") short-lived variety show.

- EMF ("Unbelievable") stands for Epsom Mad Funkers.

- Wild Cherry ("Play That Funky Music") named themselves after the Ludens Cough Drops of the same name.

- Dexy's Midnight Runners ("Come On Eileen") named themselves after the amphetamine Dexedrine.

- "The Macarena" is still the stupidest thing ever invented. Yes, another opinion, but once again well substantiated.

- Being a one-hit wonder is dangerous to your health. At least 10 of the band members on the list died before their 40th birthday.



I made up one of the above "facts". It's fairly easy to spot and confirm. But please feel free to spread it like wildfire so that it becomes true for all intents and purposes.

TOP TEN POSSIBLE FUTURE BENEFITS OF RAELIAN CLONING



10. Raelians will be able to kick Scientologists' asses.

9. Cult of Celine Dion will no longer be so prominent.

8. French waiters to be replaced by clones if they continue to be snotty.

7. Cloning of Jerry Lewis means hundreds more muscular dystrophy telethons.

6. French Olympic pairs ice skating judges to be cloned; extra supply will lower market price.

5. Jean-Claude Van Damme clones to patrol major cities - no, wait, he's Belgian. Oh, well, whatever, same difference.

4. Thousands of clones to infiltrate Iraqi regime, begin surrendering to U.S. immediately.

3. Montreal Expos sign team of Ted Williams' clones, win World Series.

2. More organs available for transplant when Raelians inevitably commit mass suicide.



And the number 1 benefit of Raelian cloning is:



1. Gerard Depardieux!

POST NO POSTS



I was checking in to see if I had posted anything.



Nope, guess not.



I'm submitting this post to that Ev guy as the worst post in the history of blogging. Wish me luck.

ADVERTISE RESPONSIBLY



Today on TCP, we'll take a look at the Smirnoff Ice ad called "Laundry", perhaps putting more thought into it than the advertising agency ever did. The ad begins with two 20-ish guys doing their laundry, seemingly late at night, at a hip, edgy, urban laundromat presumably near where lots of 20-ish hip, edgy people live, and they are drinking Smirnoff Ice. The song "Kick You Out" by the band "Caesar's Palace" is playing very loudly in the background. This is your basic retro/punk/electronica type music the kids today love so much. (By the way, naming your band "Caesar's Palace" is pretty stupid, since it ensures that no one will ever find you on Google. See, there's this little casino with the same name, you may have heard of it.)







Let's pause. First of all, these guys look like they might do their laundry maybe once every six months. They make The Young Ones look like characters from a Whit Stillman film. And they are drinking while doing their laundry. This can't be a good thing. Smirnoff Ice is not even vodka, it's a "malt beverage", meaning it's about one step away from Colt .45. At the very least, they'll mix the whites and colored so their underwear turns all pink. I wouldn't even want to contemplate the worst-case scenario.



Next, into the laundromat walk three hot 20-ish women with varying degrees of midriff showing.







Now, what are the chances that just when these two guys are making their bi-annual trek to the laundromat in the middle of the night that three hot, flesh-baring babes are going to walk in? Not very good, but I guess this is why they've elected to capture the moment on film. Mister Guy-without-beard looks at the chicks, Mr. Guy-with-beard looks at his Smirnoff Ice, and then they decide to start dumping laundry soap into the unused washing machines.







Naturally, they do this because they've seen the Brady Bunch episode where Bobby does his own laundry. You know what happens next.







This sets off a wild party where the babes suddenly go nuts and start dancing as if they are seasoned professionals, if you know what I mean.



.



Now we really have to pause here and contemplate what has happened. Ok, I get that laundry soap causes sudsing, but enough to completely engulf an entire laundromat? How much soap did they bring with them? They only do their laundry twice a year, as we've already established, so it can't be that much. Where did they manage to get all this laundry soap? Well, I guess we'll just have to accept it.



So, let's assume they physically could cause this to happen somehow. This being an urban laundromat, chances are it is owned by an immigrant, who came to this country looking for a better life, worked hard, saved his/her money, and finally, after decades of struggle, bought him/herself a laundromat. In about 5 seconds, Mr. Beard and Mr. No Beard have utterly and completely destroyed this poor man's/woman's dreams, just so they could party with some hot chicks, who look like they could have been had at far less of a price. The owner was probably not insured, so he or she will have to pick up the costs of cleanup, repair of the flooring, probably some electrical work, and more than likely the replacement of several industrial washing machines and dryers.



Finally, in the piece-de-resistance of the spot, one of the hot babes emerges from the ocean of suds and starts sidling up to Mr. No Beard. At this point, for no reason that I can fathom, she looks off into space and bites her lower lip with her entire row of front teeth.







It's as if the director said, "Those last few takes were pretty good, you looked sexy enough, but since we're targeting 15-19 year old boys here, who let's face it, drink lots of malt beverage, and we're trying to make you girls looks like you've had large portions of your cerebella removed so that you'll accept just about any excuse to have an orgy, could you give us a little something extra?"



We finish up the spot with the tag line.







Yes, that's correct, Intelligent Nightlife, which has now come to mean destroying a laundromat. And another thing: how can you drink Smirnoff Ice when you're standing in suds up to your shoulders? Don't the suds get in the bottle? That can't be good for it. Or maybe that's a serving suggestion.

MAN NOT WORKING



Today is my last workday for 2002. My supervisor came around about 6 weeks ago and told us to use up our vacation this year and not carry over anything into 2003. I scheduled three Fridays off in December, and everything after the 19th. Since this web log is primarily a vehicle for me to fill the yawning chasm that is often my workday, you probably won't be seeing many entries until January 2nd, unless I get a sudden inspiration of mild humorousness. To tide you over until then, here's a list of some of the things I will be doing for the next two weeks, courtesy of Thesaurus.com:



- Reclining in a somnolent state beyond the accustomed hour

- Perusing selected newsgroups for binary content of a delightful mien

- Slumbering in the post-meridian interval

- Procuring expeditiously prepared local cuisine from the comfort of my conveyance

- Engaging in ritual siestas

- Contemplating flickering images from a cathode ray tube

- Retiring in a punctual fashion



Happy days where you don't have to work, and stuff!