I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY WERE DATING

As part of the continuing "iPod Comes Alive" Concert Series, my wife and I will be attending the Rosanne Cash show in Princeton, NJ tonight. I have the hots for Rosanne Cash because she kind of looks like my wife. How pathetic is that?

In other news, the Travelocity gnome will be traveling to Provincetown to marry Mr. Clean. Wish them the best!

MPG/TCBY/APR

I was going to drive my car to buy some ice cream, but I couldn't get financing.

AMIS FINIS

I just got done watching the Friends finale. Wow, who'd have guessed Gunther was with Al-Qaeda, and that they were building a nuclear device in the back of Central Perk, and that Joey would unwittingly set it off by calling the wrong number on a cell phone, causing the entire Friends cast to be incinerated at 11,000°F along with the five boroughs of New York and parts of Essex County, NJ, except for Joey, of course, who now has to battle mutants in a post-apocalyptic hell of his own making in the spin-off produced, directed and written by Ridley Scott! Cool!

CHERISH YOUR MEMORIES

The U.S. Army, world leaders in invading foreign countries, toppling statues, and just plain blowing shit up, have moved on to our latest conquest: Photography! For example, if you're getting married soon, Uncle Sam wants you! We can provide your wedding party with the kind of sophisticated, tasteful, and fun photography that the U.S. Army is known for. Just look at some of our past work!




If you want to put that unique Army style into your special day, call 1-800-FOTO-FUN today!

IN AND AROUND THE LAKE

I'm back from Lake Chuck. Lake Charles, Louisiana is like New Orleans, but without the music, the history, the charm, or the devil-may-care ambience, and double the squalor. I stayed at a place called "Best Suites", which referred, one would hope, to its rank among the accommodations of Lake Charles, and not of the larger earth as a whole. One would hope.

The trip was unremarkable, save the slavish devotion to work-related activities amongst my colleagues. They really need to lighten up a bit. If your idea of a good time is listening to a lecture on steam traps at 8 PM while munching on pizza, you'd fit in nicely with this bunch. Of course, if you are such a person, I would have paid you to take my place.

My favorite moment of the week was the giant billboard on I-10 posted by one or another of the casinos honoring local citizens of note. In giant letters, the sign read "Dr. Harry Swindle". Yup, that's just the kind of physician you'd expect a casino to be associated with.

I'M OFF

To no one in particular let me just say that I'll be traveling to Lake Charles, Louisiana for the rest of the week, and I will most likely be unable to edify you with my cogent commentary on the human condition, unless you happen to be standing within earshot, of course. If that should happen to be the case, please buy me a drink.

APROPOS OF NOTHING THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Bisexuality means never having to say you're sorry.

- Anonymous

SUCKER MOM

So I was eating at Subway with my lovely bride this Sunday, and on the outside of the store, there is a poster showing the upper torso and face of an attractive middle-aged woman, leaning back, hands behind her head, with an extremely self-satisfied look, while two boys in the distance kick a soccer ball around. The tag line on the poster is, "Your Dinner Solution" (sadly, Subway has not put this poster on their web site).

From the look on her face, it appears that she is somebody's dinner solution.

APROPOS OF NOTHING THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Today's dogma was yesterday's heresy.

- Me

SIC SAD WORLD^TM*, VOLUME IV

You know the drill. This is from a New York Times article about two huge bridges being built in remote areas of Alaska at the behest of Alaska Republican Representative Don Young.

"I'd like to be a little oinker, myself," Mr. Young told a Republican lunch crowd here, taking mock offense at the suggestion that Ted Stevens, the Alaska Republican who is chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee, directs more pork to their state than he does. "If he's the chief porker, I'm upset."

* Not really trademarked. Kind of like how that White House memo titled "Bin Laden Determined To Strike Inside The United States" is not really about Bin Laden being determined to strike inside the United States. I think it's really about bowling.

IF IT HAPPENS, IT HAPPENS

Phil Mickelson has won the Masters.

That leaves me one closer to the top of the list of the greatest golfers never to win a major. It's only been a few hours and the pressure is getting unbearable. Get off my back, will ya!

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF WAR

Welcome to the Office of Strategic Communications! We're here to tell you what's really going on in Iraq. Don't believe what you read in the papers! Or hear on the radio. Or see on TV. Or what our own soldiers say. It's all a myth! Iraq is doing great. Just read some of our press releases!

"Beautification Plan For Baghdad Ready to Begin"

You now, as soon as we stop getting shot at. It's going to be great! We're talking topiary in the shape of George W. Bush (in his flight suit), painting over the anti-American graffiti with murals of Jesus, and our patented "Bomb Crater Floral Bonanza" program.

"The Reality is like Nothing You See on Television"

On American TV anyway. The real reality is much more real than that fake reality on CNN. We have reality up to our night vision goggles in the new Iraq, and we're just getting started. Here's a lineup of the great new reality shows we'll be dishing up on Iraqi TV:

- "The Baghdad Bachelor" Twenty-five ladies in burqas compete for the hand of a lucky Iraqi hunk. Little does he know, but one of them is "Touched By An Angel" star Roma Downey! Will he get lucky? Find out!

- "Fear Factor: Iraq" Watch as contestants navigate mine fields, wear bikinis in a mosque, and eat prop turkey meat!

- "The Apprentice Lobbyist" Twelve contestants vie to be the Ahmed Chalabi's information funnel to the Pentagon. Look for Chalabi's signature phrase when one of the contestants is booted out: "I will kill you now!"

"Optimists Club Organizes Baghdad Chapter"

Sure, their main objective is for Baghdad to avoid being reduced to cinders in a bloody and protracted civil war, but it's a start! Look for the student essay contest entitled, "What A Free Iraq Means To Me". Essays will be judged by Deputy Secretary of State Paul Wolfowitz on grammar, spelling, and overall implausability.

So, as you can see, we're doing great things in Iraq. Why would we lie?

HALLELUJAH, INC.

Jennifer Lopez's mother has won $2.4 million at the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City. "It was God's will," said Mrs. Lopez.

In related news, God is now the Boyd Gaming Corporation, owner of the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City.

NYUCK NYUCK NYUCK

Al Franken kicked off the liberal Air America Radio today. Reuters thought so highly of the story, they put their best man on it:



(As a side note, they mentioned in the story that Al Gore called in. As fellow fans of Harry Shearer's "Le Show" could understand, I'm dying to get a hold of an mp3 or a Real audio link of that exchange. If you're one of the 7 people who read this and who happen to have such a thing, please e-mail it to me.)

IF A BLOG HAS NO ENTRIES AND NO ONE READS IT, IS IT STILL A BLOG?

I've either been busy or apathetic for most of the last five days, hence the empty space where posts should be. I am neither apologizing for nor rationalizing my lack of attention to this web log. There's plenty of other stuff to read, you know, and this shit sucks anyway.

But, now that I have a few moments, I thought I'd pass on to the people who are looking for information about how to make a crossbow, Karen Grassle nude, Bitty Schram nude, or a recent favorite, "republican dominic weather", what exactly I've been doing the last five days, and the fabulous things I have coming up.

- Friday, I figured out how to get my computer-based training to work, which was a mixed blessing. I'm learning how to be a Six Sigma Green Belt. Yes, I know, it sounds exciting, like something Uma Thurman might find handy in "Kill Bill 2". Actually, with Six Sigma, all Uma could do is maybe improve her ability to kill enormous numbers of people by a few percent, since she's already achieved what we Green Belts like to call "high process capability".

- Saturday, I can't remember. Some boring stuff my wife dragged me to.

- Sunday, ditto.

- Monday, more CBT. I'm also working on putting together some highly dubious numbers for a conference I'm attending in late April. It's giving me great respect for Bush's budget team. Highly dubious numbers are harder to arrive at than one would think.

- Tuesday, CBT again, and I'm trying to back up a PC that runs Windows NT but is not networked. I've also got a laptop, which runs XP, and a CD burner, which has a USB interface, but the CD burner won't plug into the PC I'm trying to back up because NT doesn't do USB, and the laptop needs to have administrator privileges, which I don't have, in order to set a connection with the NT PC. This is so typical of my life.

- Upcoming: well, I'm going to that conference in Louisiana in a few weeks, and I'm heading up to Northern NJ for a week in June for more Green Belt training. After that, we're vacationing in Salem, MA because my wife has a witch fixation. I wrangled some Red Sox tickets for the trip, because I have a perpetual loser fixation. Then we're going to see Prince at the Wachovia Center in August, because...well, he's playing there (were he hosting a Jehovah's Witness convention, we probably would not attend). Somewhere in there a few times we plan to go "down the shore", as they say around here because of inadequate grammar instruction. A full summer of really lame activities awaits! Now you know why I mostly write dumb political and pop culture jokes in here. And why nobody reads this.

GOOD WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT

Amhed Chalabi, leader of the anti-Saddam lobbying group known as the Iraqi National Congress and member of the Iraqi Governing Council, was profiled today in the NY Times.

It's a two-pager, but somewhere on the second page, the Times conveys this rather startling fact:

"Nevertheless, the Department of Defense continues to pay his organization $340,000 a month to gather intelligence in Iraq. "

Let's see...Chalabi feeds the Pentagon a bunch of lies, and gets, um, doing the math here...carry the one...two and half shitloads of money. Hey, I can do that! Finally, my ticket to the good life. Hey, Rummy, try this on for size:

- Osama Bin Laden was staying in my basement. He took off and said he was heading to San Antonio for the Final Four, though, so you just missed him.

- Um, there's like a bunch of guys with heavy guns and rockets and bombs and stuff, like, in Najaf, or Umm Qasr, or Ramalamadingdong, or some place. And they look pissed.

- That guy you caught in the spider hole was a double. Saddam is hanging out with Martha Stewart in the Hamptons, planning an extremely tasteful yet vicious revolt.

So, Pentagon brass, what do you say? I'm thinking a quarter of a mil for all three pieces of intelligence, or $100,000 sold separately. And I'll take one those Comanche helicopters off your hands, while we're at it. I need to cut my commute time.

POETIC (DRIVERS) LICENSE

I think that I shall never see
A service area as lovely as thee.

(I took a run up the NJ Turnpike for work yesterday, and ate a Double Whopper there.)

RELEASE THE HOUNDS

Former terrorist czar Richard Clarke went on "60 Minutes" last night to claim that President Bush has done "a terrible job" fighting terrorism. In response, the White House trotted out National Security Adviser Condi Rice this morning on "Good Morning America", "Today", and "The Early Show" and possibly "Romper Room" for all we know to refute the charges. Among other things, she noted that Clarke, who at the time was the leading anti-terrorist expert at the White House, "wasn't involved in most of the meetings of the administration." Touché, Dick!

Anyway, Condi's whirlwind tour of the Diane & Charlie/Katie & Matt/Some Guy & A Random Blonde Chick triumvirate is only the beginning of the balls-out assault by the Bush Administration and its well-funded character evisceration apparatus. Here's a preview of some of the charges the Bushies will be leveling at Mr. Clarke:

- Performed a gay marriage ceremony between Richard Gere and a guinea pig.

- Was seen laughing hysterically at "The Passion Of The Christ".

- Trades abortion videos on Kazaa.

- Named illegimate son with Jane Fonda after Osama Bin Laden.

- Once burned a flag by striking a match on a broken chunk of the Alabama Ten Commandments monument.

- Had anal sex with a welfare mother while simultaneoulsy smoking crack and shooting up heroin at a Kim Jong Il Fan Club meeting on national broadcast television.

- Is actually the former host of American Bandstand without hair dye:



Oooh. That last one might stick.

TOP TEN THINGS THE CITY OF PHILADELPHIA WILL MISS NOW THAT "THE REAL WORLD" HAS LEFT

10. More appearances by the giant inflatable rat. He's so cute!

9. Some black guy getting tossed out of the house on his ass.

8. Seven young, highly motivated uh, advertising...or possibly fashion...or something...interns.

7. Lucrative revenue stream from hot tub cleaning and supplies.

6. Lucrative revenue stream from bail bondsmen and process servers.

5. Roommates' constant complaints about the smell.

4. Gripping video of Caleb from Arkansas eating his first cheese steak.

3. Some serious sex with roommates' visiting girlfriends/boyfriends.

2. Guest star Jack Osborne pissing on the Liberty Bell.

And the number one thing the City of Philadelphia will miss now that "The Real World" has left is:

1. "Total Request Live" from Independence Hall!

THE WEARIN' O' THE PUKE

It's St. Patrick's Day. I wonder, do full-time alcoholics get defensive on St. Patrick's Day? I mean, do they sit around saying, "Where the hell are you people the rest of the year? Welcome to my world! Have fun with that hangover tomorrow, you lousy solid citizens!" Or are they pretty much the only ones who are getting drunk today just like every other day?