DEAR MR. MANKOFF



I was reading "The Naked Cartoonist", by Robert Mankoff, cartoon editor of the New Yorker, and I got some inspriration. Since I can't draw, I don't have a drawing tablet, and I only have Microsoft Paint, this was the best I could do.







Back to obscurity.

REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE!



Ok, the Bitty Schram pic was poor, but this Karen Grassle one (yes Google searchers, it's Karen Grassle NUDE!) is certified genuine.







And I'm off tomorrow, so today is my Friday!

EPLOIDS: THE NEW FLOOZ



With today's tasty lunch, which includes a snack of Sour Cream and Onion Lay's Potato Chips, I will have enough ePloids to obtain the Notebook and Gel Pen, which all the smart chemical engineers will be carrying in 2003. It's been a long time coming, and I think it's time for a celebration.



Unfortunately, I have a chronic gastro-intestinal disorder, so we'll have to postpone that. Can't wait for that Notebook and Gel Pen!!!

BITTY SCHRAM NUDE!



Due to overwhelming demand, I've done an exhaustive Internet search, scanning newsgroups, fan sites, and various sites of ill repute (where I've grudgingly come to accept that "absolutely free" = $5.95 per month). Unfortunately, the following image was the best I could come up with. It appears to be taken during an early modeling session for some sort of beach-related product:







Just remember: There's no crying in blogging!

OF COURSE IT'S GENUINE!



Today on TCP, we're interviewing Selma FitzHughes, the Insect Psychic. So, Selma, you can talk to insects, huh?



SELMA: Yes, Tim, it's been a gift I've had since I was a young child. Actually, I don't talk to them, I have a telepathic relationship.



TCP: Sure. Ok, my sister-in-law brought in an ant farm that her son is tending. What are they trying to tell you?



SELMA: Well, they are saying..."Oh, how we hate this constant marching back and forth inside this glass case for the benefit of that brat. And we don't even have a queen! How could they make an ant farm without a queen? What is this, a gay bar?" Something to that effect.



TCP: Wow, that's impressive. Now, each ant is saying that?



SELMA: Well, it's more like a psychic consensus.



TCP: Ok, there's a spider up there in the corner of the room. What is it saying?



SELMA: It's telling me, "I love being up here, looking down on Tim as he blows off the entire day on his computer. I've weaved him a special web, but he never notices. I think I'll pig out on aphids today."



TCP: That's truly amazing. But aren't spiders actually arachnids and not insects, per se?



SELMA: I can communicate telepathically with a variety of tiny species, up to and including horseshoe crabs.



TCP: Great. Ok, let's go for a drive.



SELMA: Sure.



TCP: We're out on the highway now.



SELMA: Oh my God! Look out! It's a wasp, NOOOO!!! (SPLAT!) He's just stunned, I think we better...watch out! AAAHHHH!!! You just maimed a monarch butterfly!! OOOOHH, that was a gnat! I think he's broken his wing! And there's a whole swarm of OHHHH MY GOD! You've killed at least 20 mosquitoes! Get me out of this car! Get me out!



TCP: Well, folks, as the guys in the white coats tend to Selma, let me just remind everyone, you too have the power to talk to insects, because, quite frankly, how can anyone prove you can't?

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the last (thank you God) in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is MTV.



SCENE: Irina calls Carmela to tell her that Tony has been having sex with her one-legged cousin, Svetlana.



EXTRA SCENE: Irina hangs up and calls Sharon Osbourne to tell her that Ozzy has been having sex with Svetlana's artificial leg.



SCENE: Tony sleeps at the shore house he is trying to buy after Carmela throws him out.



EXTRA SCENE: "Cribs" pops in to profile Tony's shore house. The highlight of the episode is when Tony repeatedly introduces one of the crew members to the bottom of the toilet bowl in his own unique way.



SCENE: Tony, Chris, Carmine, and Johnny Sack meet in the park to discuss a compromise on the HUD scam.



EXTRA SCENE: Johnny Knoxville and the boys from "Jackass" show up to tell the mobsters that they have the whole thing on tape, and then run like hell.



SCENE: Tony's guys on his yacht "The Stugotz" blast Dean Martin music at the lawyer who owns the shore house Tony no longer wants to buy because the lawyer won't return the deposit.



EXTRA SCENE: "Shore Thing Summer Sopranos Style" continues with a Frank Sinatra look-a-like contest, guest appearances by Ann-Margret and Joey Bishop, and a special TRL with Luciano Pavarotti in a Speedo.



This is it for the 4th season of "The Sopranos". This lame bit will be back next season, if this weblog makes it that long before dying of apathy and self-loathing. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everybody!

BUH BYE



It's snowing like the end times here in the Delaware Valley, so the refinery manager has declared that all non-essential personnel can go home for the day.



God, I love being non-essential!

LIKE SANDS THROUGH THE HOURGLASS



I'm taking tomorrow off, so today is my Friday! In New Zealand, it's Friday already, so there, yesterday would have been my Friday. Meaning my Wednesday here would have been my Friday there, had I traveled to New Zealand. Taking it a step further, tomorrow, Friday, which is my Saturday, it would have already been my Sunday there, which is my Saturday here, but in reality, it's Friday for everyone else, except in New Zealand, where it's Saturday. And Saturday here, which is my Sunday, is already Sunday there. Sunday, which is also my Sunday and everybody else's Sunday, is Monday there, so if I had traveled to New Zealand on Sunday, it would be like I never had a day off to begin with, even though I took Friday off, which was my Saturday. And of course, if I returned home on Monday there, it would still be Sunday here, so I would have to go to work the next day, meaning I would have 2 consecutive Mondays. But I'm taking next Friday off also, so next Monday is actually my next Tuesday.



It's a good thing I'm not going to New Zealand.

SHAMELESS PROMOTION



I'm going to be gone to an off-site meeting all day (and I am completely bereft of anything to say whatsoever), so I figured I'd use this entry to attract more traffic.



CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM

CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM

CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM

BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX

BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX

BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX



And for those using the Google image search:











Oh, and here are links to the real sites.

Crossbow

Bowflex



And please, buy one of these and use it if you currently go to my gym. Because if you go to my gym now, I most assuredly hate your guts and my life would be so much better if you stopped coming.



But seriously, steroids are the way to go if you want to look like those guys in the pictures.

ISN'T THAT SPECIAL?



I finally broke down and purchased the DVD of "Real Genius". I watched it last night, hence the cosmetic changes to the site. The DVD comes with the following "special features": English, German, and Spanish subtitles, scene selection, and trailers for the movies "Hook" and "Jumanji"(?). No director commentary, no outtakes, no deleted scenes, no "Making of" short, absolutely nothing that a fan who is buying this DVD might actually want. Thanks, Columbia Tri-Star Home Video! Way to market that baby! Of course, I and many others bought it without all that stuff, so they probably saved a fortune.



Favorite forgotten line: (Jerry Hathaway) "The colon. What does it look like?"

WHERE'S THE MAFIA WHEN YOU NEED IT?



Excuse me, there's something I have to do.



I HATE THAT FUCKING COMMERCIAL WHERE THE IDIOT SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS IN ST. MARK'S SQUARE THAT HE LOVES HIS WIFE AND THEN HE GIVES HER A DIAMOND! I FUCKING HATE IT!



I sincerely hope everyone responsible for this ad got a gondola pole stuck up their ass before they left Venice.

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is ESPN.



SCENE: A truck carrying a giant inflatable rat drives up and the Union President announces that the Esplanade job has been shut down.



EXTRA SCENE: The inflatable rat appears in a SportsCenter commercial with Al Davis. Al sues ESPN for $1 billion.



SCENE: Paulie Walnuts introduces himself to New York Boss Carmine, who has no idea who he is.



EXTRA SCENE: NFL Films is on hand to document Paulie's combination of fear, shock and embarrassment from six different angles and replay it in slow motion for decades to come, complete with Ron Jaworski's in-depth analysis.



SCENE: Meadow and Carmela dispute whether "Billy Budd" is a piece of gay fiction.



EXTRA SCENE: Stuart Scott does a post-fight interview. Carmela tells him if he calls her "dawg" one more time, she's going to rip his lungs out and bake them into a mostaccioli.



SCENE: Paulie breaks in to his mother's friend's house to steal the money under her mattress. He proceeds to suffocate her with a pillow when she walks in on him.



EXTRA SCENE: Paulie finishes first in the "Old Lady Snuff" during the "World's Strongest Mobster" competition.



NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: MTV

INSPIRED CHOICE



President-by-Supreme-Court-Fiat George W. Bush has tapped Henry Kissinger to lead a commission to investigate the government's failure to prevent the 9/11 attacks.



If you want a guy who knows about planning secret massive attacks on civilians, I couldn't think of a better man for the job!

WHYY OH WHY?



The local public radio station, WHYY, has a live audio stream on the Internet. Here is what usually happens when you try to access it during a weekday:







Now, I realize Philadelphia is not New York, and we're not Los Angeles, and we don't have a thriving city full of glitz and glamour, but we can't even listen to public radio on the Internet whenever we want? That's right, Philadelphia has to ration PUBLIC RADIO. How sad, sorry, and pathetic is that?

TO WASTE YOUR MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING

I was just at the gym, listening to my iPod, which I had set to shuffle songs. Two of the the first three songs were by k. d. lang. I spent the rest of my workout wondering if my iPod was trying to tell me that my new haircut makes me look like a butch lesbian.



I think I would do well as a butch lesbian. I love going down, and I would have only a slightly larger than average female organ.

IT'S GOOD WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT



Another revelation from "Live From New York", the hefty tome about the history of Saturday Night Live: most of the writers and performers are neurotic and have low self-esteem, and Lorne Michaels is often telling them that they could be funnier. Hey, that describes me perfectly! Where do I sign? Oh yeah, there's that small issue of being at least somewhat funny in the first place. Oh well. Back to boiling oil.

IF YOU BUILD IT...



My wife and I were walking through Olde City in Philadelphia yesterday when we saw a sign at a construction site for the Masada Construction Company. Wow, what happens when they finish a building? They must have a high turnover in that organization. And they probably get a lot of competition from the Jonestown Builders and the Heaven's Gate Construction Group.

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is The Food Network.



SCENE: Bobby Baccala buries a cake at his wife's grave.



EXTRA SCENE: Pastry chef Jaques Torres from "Passion For Dessert" exhumes the cake and serves it to unsuspecting French tourists, who declare it "nutty with a delightful hint of escargot".



SCENE: Uncle Junior is declared fit to stand trial by the judge assigned to his case.



EXTRA SCENE: Next on the docket is Martha Stewart of "From Martha's Kitchen". Martha is in court for a pre-trial motion to dismiss her insider trading case. Uncle Junior doesn't help when he loudly asks her "What have you heard lately? That ImClone tip saved my ass!" as they meet in the aisle.



SCENE: Janice helps Bobby Baccala accelerate his grieving process by finally eating his late wife's last ziti.



EXTRA SCENE: Emeril Lagasse suggests they BAM! kick it up a notch by stuffing themselves full on the ziti and throwing up on her grave.



SCENE: A.J., Devon, and Bobby Baccala's son and daughter conduct a seance.



EXTRA SCENE: The spirit of "The Two Fat Ladies" late star Jennifer Paterson is accidentally summoned, and she proceeds to eat the stash of Tastykakes Butterscotch Krimpets that A.J. keeps in his bottom desk drawer.



NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: ESPN

SHAQ IS THAT TALL GUY, RIGHT?



Welcome to TCP's NBA and NHL preview for those who don't watch the NBA or the NHL. The seasons have already started? Well, that should make it easier.



NBA



Eastern Conference

Atlantic Division

Um, the Celtics play here, and I'm pretty sure the Sixers too. And that Jason Kidd guy who beats his wife, he's on the Nets now. I'll predict the Nets. Wife-beaters are pretty tough.



Eastern Conference

The Other Divison

I have no clue. I think the Bulls are in this division. Who cares?



Western Conference

Some Midwestern type name

San Antonio? How did they get a team? I've been there. It's got a nice riverwalk, and the Alamo, and this big ugly dome. That tall Chinese guy in Houston is in this division too. I'm picking the tall Chinese guy.



Western Conference

Pacific Division

The Lakers. They win every year. Why should the other teams even bother? Shaq kind of just stands there and dunks the ball over everybody, and if that doesn't work, that other guy who speaks Italian shoots threes. And Phil Jackson is over there chanting and meditating. It psyches everyone out. Oh, and the Clippers still suck.



Playoffs: Lakers in six. Whatever.



NHL



Some freaky conference name based on some old dead guy. Oh, they got rid of that? When? 10 years ago? I'll be damned!

Eastern Type Division

I know the New York metro area has three teams, the Rangers, the Devils, and the, um, Lizzie Grubman Victims. None of them will win this division, but they will all make the playoffs.



Whatever the Conference name is

Other Eastern Type Division Name

Toronto? Montreal? Ottawa? Medicine Hat? Cleveland? Why doesn't Cleveland have a hockey team? It's pretty cold there. I'll pick Buffalo. But they will get knocked out in the first round of the playoffs when the goalie starts to suck for no apparent reason.



Whatever the Other Conference name is

Midwestern-y Division Name

Oh, there are three divisions in each conference now. Ok, um, I'll go with Atlanta. They always have great pitching.



Whatever the Other Conference name is, this time for real

Midwestern-y Division Name

Wait, Nashville has a hockey team and Cleveland doesn't? That is just wrong. I'm picking Cleveland here, as a protest.



Whatever the Other Conference name is

Not really Midwestern but not really Western Division Name

I think Edmonton is out here. They have that big mall, so I'll pick them. They will also be knocked out of the playoffs in the first round, because they choked.



Whatever the Other Conference name is

Pacific-y Division Name

The L.A. Kings. No, the San Jose Sharks. No, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Phoenix? That's it, I'm picking Cleveland here too. This is ridiculous.



Playoffs: Lots of games. I mean, more games than J Lo ever played with P. Diddy. More games than the regular season, and every one is played until there is a winner, to the point where Gary Thorne and John Davidson are rumored to be lovers. Each round, half the teams will have goalies who choke and lose, and the other half will have goalies that get "hot" and win. And then there will be the finals and no one will watch because the Lakers are on and it's SUMMER for Christ's sake. For what it's worth, I'm taking Cleveland to beat Cleveland in 7 games.

WHO'D HAVE GUESSED?



I just started reading the "Live From New York" book about the history of Saturday Night Live. Turns out, they did a lot of drugs, had sex with each other, and worked really long hours. And Lorne Michaels is either a genius or a little prick, depending on who is still kissing his ass. More details as they become available.