JODIDN'T FEEL LIKE BLOGGING TODAY



I was at The Jodiverse all afternoon. Go there, and read a real web site.

LAKE. BIG LAKE.



Check out the bottom of my water bill:











Who exactly runs up a six-figure water bill?



"Honey, I found a blue whale by the side of the road on my way home from work, can we keep it?"



"Damn, I forgot to turn off the full-size replicas of every fountain in Rome in our living room."



"And the back yard comes complete with one Olympic size swimming pool for each day of the week!"

PRECIOUS MOMENTS



Before Game 4 of the World Series last night, Major League Baseball revealed its "Most Memorable Moment" as voted by the fans. It occurred to me there ought to be a similar vote for blogging. So here it is! Vote for your favorite moment in the history of blogging from the nominees below:



1. Kelli from Saginaw, MI reveals her crush on Justin Timberlake - June, 2000.



2. The first "meme" is released. The archives have been erased, but we know it involves something about "Seinfeld" quotes - May 1999.



3. Andrew Sullivan responds to Paul Krugman's response to Instapundit's reply to Mickey Kaus' tirade against Matt Drudge's insinuation that "George Bush is an idiot" - Pretty much every day.



4. KraziS3xyC00l from "somewhere in Eastern Europe" posts the first photo of a blogger performing with his nü-metal band - January 2000.



5. "The Herminator" posts the first lame comedy bit involving lists - November 1999.



Vote Today!

I'LL SHOW YOU MINE, YOU SHOW ME YOURS



Let the FreeCell trash talking begin!

GOTTA KEEP THAT #1 GOOGLE RANKING SOMEHOW



Three lousy (and I mean lousy) D.C. sniper jokes, and I'm no. 1 on the Google rankings. Frankly, you people are sick for even looking up something like that. Here's some more!



TOP 10 LEAST EFFECTIVE TACTICS USED BY CHIEF MOOSE TO CATCH THE SNIPER



10. Inviting sniper over to police barracks for tarot reading.

9. Invoking county-wide weapons-for-arrest-and-death-penalty exchange.

8. Setting up glass bottles and tin cans around gas stations as a distraction.

7. Donning British Bobby's hat and shouting "What's all this then?" at top of lungs whenever someone gets shot.

6. Uri Geller.

5. Leaving enormous bags of unmarked currency in the woods throughout Northern Virginia.

4. Appearing on MSNBC at all, ever.

3. Hanging up on FBI repeatedly while getting makeup done.

2. Going to the ballistics lab and saying constantly, "I hope you guys don't go ballistic on me!"



And the No. 1 least effective tactic used by Chief Moose to catch the sniper is:



1. Getting up and going to work every morning.

BASEBALL: THE PACIFIC COAST'S PASTIME



I'm a little late here, but here's the journal of my 2002 World Series Experience. Through the emerging technology of Bud-O-Vision, I've even extrapolated into the future.



Saturday, 10/19/02:



9 PM: Great game. The Giants got out on top, but the Angels are keeping it close. Tomorrow's Sunday, so maybe I'll stay up and watch the end.

10 PM: Think I'll flip over and catch a little of the Notre Dame - Air Force game.

11 PM: ZZZZZZZZ



Sunday, 10/20/02:



9 PM: Angels up 5-4, gotta watch "The Sopranos".

10 PM: "Curb" is on, Angels lead 7-5.

11 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ



Tuesday, 10/22/02 & Wednesday 10/23/02, and Thursday 10/24/02



10 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ



Is it over yet?

FREE AD COPY

There's a car dealer near where I live called "The John Kennedy Dealerships". They advertise constantly on local TV. They haven't asked me for a slogan, but since I hate their commercials, I decided to create one for them.



The John Kennedy Dealerships: We Will Not Sell Convertibles!



I haven't heard from them yet, but if the sniper starts moving North, I figure they'll be banging on my door.

OK, WE HAVE A SONG, NOW LET'S WRITE A MOVIE!



The number one box-office movie is "Sweet Home Alabama", starring Reese Witherspoon in a light-hearted romantic comedy about a young woman who lives in New York returning to her Southern roots. What everyone seems to have forgotten is that the song "Sweet Home Alabama" was a redneck racist screed written by Lynryd Skynyrd in response to the civil rights song "Southern Man" by Neil Young. In case there is any doubt, the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama include:



Well I heard mister Young sing about her

Well, I heard ole Neil put her down

Well, I hope Neil Young will remember

A Southern man don't need him around anyhow



and,



In Birmingham they love the gov' nor

Now we all did what we could do

Now Watergate does not bother me

Does your conscience bother you?

Tell the truth



The last stanza is a reference to George Wallace and his atrocious behavior, which even he himself apologized for, in response to federal orders from the Kennedy and Johnson administrations to integrate the Alabama school system in the 1960's. Skynyrd then throws in an endorsement of the presidency of Richard Nixon to top things off.



Apparently, in Hollywood, the need to attach a hit song to a movie far outweighs any serious consideration of the actual song lyrics. So, I figured, why should Hollywood stop there? Here are a few coming attractions from Tinseltown:



"Bennie And The Jets" - A sweet animated children's fable about a cuddly mouse and his faithful sidekicks, with the voice of Matthew Broderick.



"Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life" - Ashley Judd and Chris O'Donnell star in this funny, romantic story of a girl trying to make her mark.



"99 Red Balloons" - Drew Barrymore and Ben Affleck make romance at the circus.

CONVERSATION OVERHEARD AT THE GYM THE OTHER DAY



Guy #1: Hi!



Guy #2: Hey, how are you?



Guy #1: Great, and you? You going to the reunion?



Guy #2: I'm fine. Yeah, looking forward to it.



Guy #1: Do you remember...what's his name, lived on the corner?



Guy #2: Yeah. Didn't he have a sister?



Guy #1: No...did he?



Guy #2: Yeah I think so. How about that other guy we played baseball with?



Guy #1: Oh yeah. Wait, which one?



Guy #2: I forget his name.



(this goes on for several minutes)



Guy #1: Well, have a good one...what's your name?



Guy #2: Jim



Guy #1: Oh, yeah, right.

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the first in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is the Eternal Word Television Network.



SCENE: Artie Bucco goes over to the Jean-Phillipe's apartment to get his money back.



EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil Intintola consoles Artie in the confessional booth. Upon hearing of Artie's plight, Father Phil goes over to crack open the lying Frog's head with his crucifix. One thing leads to another, and the words "Sacre Bleu!" are heard as Father Phil unzips his pants.



SCENE: A.J. and Devon cruise the streets after Meadow turns down their request to have sex in her dorm room.



EXTRA SCENE: The two young lovers end up in Father Phil's rectory. One thing leads to another, and Devon begins to question A.J.'s sexual preference.



SCENE: Tony has a dream about Gloria removing a scarf from her neck.



EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil is in the room with Gloria and Tony, naked. Tony begins to question his sexual preference.



SCENE: Jean-Phillipe opens his door and sees an angry looking Furio.



EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil is right behind. Furio was just mad that he wasn't invited the last time. He's got a major priest fantasy.



NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: E!

D.C. SNIPER JOKES THAT GET LESS AND LESS FUNNY EVERY DAY



I hear Chief Moose has some new ideas on the shooter. He's narrowed it down to Reggie, Archie and Mr. Wetherbee.



Police have told residents to move quickly in grocery store parking lots. What, no more bringing my chaise longue?



The ballistics experts say that the bullet the sniper fires travels 3200 feet/second. Keyshawn Johnson, Terrell Owens, and Randy Moss all said they can catch it. Teammates and league officials were all in favor of letting them try.



You've been great! I'll be here all we....BANG! THUD!

I've been hearing a lot about this movie "Auto-Focus" about the life of Bob Crane, and how we was a sex addict who taped his conquests with this creepy John Carpenter dude. It got me to thinking, what other 60's and 70's sitcom stars led secret lives, but we never heard about it because they never got bludgeoned with a tripod? Here are a few suggestions, in a match-em-up format. Match the sitcom star with his or her secret life (you know, assuming ANYBODY ever reads this lame piece of shit weblog):

1. Alan Thicke	a. Officiated at Midget-Tossing contests throughout the Midwest in disguise
2. Joyce DeWitt	b. Slung hash at an all-nude roadside diner in Texarkana
3. Karen Grassle*	c. Was a mule for the Cali cartel
4. Morey Amsterdam	d. Longtime associate of the Reykjavik, Iceland underworld
5. Bill Daily	e. Serial hijacker of Meals-On-Wheels trucks

*Yes, "Little House On The Prairie" was too a comedy. You expect me to believe a show with Merlin Olsen in it was a drama?

IT IS SO FRID...



Well, it's Friday afternoon here at Insert-Name-Here-Global-Oil-Conglomerate, and in keeping with the lack of work ethic around here, I'm not going to finish any of my sent...



Everybody here is pretty much playing Solitaire, shooting the shit, or printing out maps for weekend geta....



So why should I both....?



I was thinking of something funny earlier but, I can't remem....



These sentences are getting....



They're almost compl....



Hey, Cut....



Aaa....

TIGER WOODS TAKES A STAND...AGAINST TAKING A STAND



Tiger Woods drew a proverbial line in the sand trap today in the Augusta National Country Club gender discrimination dispute between Augusta Chairman Hootie Johnson and the head of the National Council of Women's Organizations Martha Burk, saying forcefully "Hootie is right, and Martha is right".



Many observers noted that not since the stirring days of Neville Chamberlain and Marshal Petain has such courage of lack of conviction been demonstrated so eloquently. Woods went on to authoritatively declare his vehemence against engagement in the issue by saying, "Is it unfair? Yes. Do I want to see a female member? Yes. But it's our right to have any club set up the way we want to." Woods also feels supremely confident that either good or evil will win out, adding that the dispute will be resolved, "`one way or another''.



Spokesmen for Buick, Nike, American Express, and Rolex, all well-known for their impassioned non-involvement in progressive political activism, expressed approval with Tiger's iron will. "That's why we love Tiger", said Nike's Phil Knight. "He's got the backbone to not stick up for what he believes in, or even to believe in anything in the first place, and that takes real guts."

Hello and welcome to The Crossbow Project! I am your host. My name is on this entry. Go ahead, Google me! Use the White Pages, I really don't care! I even have an Amazon account, check it out! Turn into an amateur sleuth for a while, it's fun. Just try not to be an Adrian Monk-type detective. He's kind of freaky, all that wiping off stuff. And Bitty Schram is hot, with her perpetual cleavage, so why doesn't he go after her? If he was Quincy, he'd be carefully examining her bikini-clad body on his houseboat, you can bet on that. No, you'd be better off being a Quincy-type or a Jim Rockford. Although Rockford always had that scumbag Angel hanging around, and he lived in a trailer. But I digress.



Ok, are you done being a virtual gumshoe? You've probably learned that I am in my mid 30's, married, no kids, and I live outside of Philadelphia. I work as an engineer for a rapacious multinational oil concern as well, even though I've professed some quasi-liberal leanings. Why? Because their money is extremely good, and the work is challenging though not too much so.



So, what is The Crossbow Project? You can look that up too, you know. Done? Yes, it's my homage to "Real Genius", starring Val Kilmer. Every weblog has to have a name, and it seemed as good as any. I identified with Mitch Taylor more than Chris Knight, but there is also a bit of Laszlo Holyfeld in me. I definitely would have chosen to live alone in my pajamas in the steam tunnels if my alma mater had any steam tunnels, and if I wore pajamas. But Mitch was more accurate a portrayal of my college days, minus the prodigious intellect of course. I got by with B's mostly in college, which earned me this fabulous career helping to boil oil, as opposed to a fellowship at the Rand Corporation. Mitch was more my emotional and social Doppelganger, what with his inability to score with the beauticians at the Tanning Invitational. He did manage to snag hyperkinetic older woman Jordan Cochran, which was beyond even my feeble skills in college, so he was sort of one-up on me there as well.



What will this weblog be about? Well, they say to write what you know, and I intend to follow that advice, but don't worry; this weblog will not be exclusively about masturbation and baseball. Only mostly. Let's get on with it, shall we?