GAVIN CHASED AND CHASE DIVIN'

The homestand got off to a shaky start. Gavin Floyd's second outing was diametrically opposed to his first, unfortunately. Floyd walked four in the first and one in the third, all of whom scored, and his evening was done after three and a third torturous innings. The Braves continued teeing off against alleged major leaguer Pedro Liriano and others to record an 11-4 rout. My wife and I were eating Mexican food while Floyd was struggling, and the radio was clicked off about the time "our" Pedro entered.

Saturday's game was a sterling matchup of aces, Jon Lieber vs. John Smoltz. We spent Saturday morning volunteering at Quest For Tech, an organization that refurbishes old computers and gives them away, along with training, to needy people. If you have any hardware or want to volunteer, click on http://questfortech.org. I awoke from a nap after we got home with the game in the second inning and still scoreless. The two righties matched zeroes up to the fifth, when catcher Johnny Estrada, who the Phils are kicking themselves for letting get away, doubled and then scored on Brian Jordan's single. Jordan was a Phillies killer for years in his last stint with Atlanta, and nothing appears to have changed. The Braves have Jordan and another aging former all-star, Raul Mondesi, hitting seventh and eighth, which could be a disaster or a tremendous advantage. Knowing the Braves, it'll probably work out brilliantly.

Jimmy Rollins, who may or may not have overcome his propensity to swing for the fences a bit too much last year, swung for the fences appropriately here and parked one off Smoltz to tie the game in the sixth. Smoltz then uncharacteristically walked Kenny Lofton and Bob Abreu, and just when the inning looked over after Burrell and Thome struck out, today's hero, Chase Utley hit a line single that scored Lofton with the go-ahead run. I missed it, because I was cleaning the bathroom. You don't understand. Our bathroom had been invaded by a civilization of about 400 quadrillion paramecium, and today's cleaning has only made them angry.

The Braves didn't threaten in the seventh and eighth, and Billy Wagner came on to start the ninth. My fears about Billy's hittability were not assuaged much today. Chipper (I Hate You) Jones lined a hard single in the hole to left field, and then Andruw Jones flied deep to left, just missing on a fast ball. That man, Johnny Estrada, who even Wags can't strike out, then hit a massive shot to dead center that Kenny Lofton tracked down at the base of the fence. Billy had to hold his breath as Lofton retreated, and let out a big sigh as our new center fielder gloved it. That brought up pinch hitter Julio Franco, who Harry Kalas said was pinch hitting for "Dave La Roche". He probably did pinch hit for Dave La Roche once, but today he was pinch hitting for Dave's son, Adam La Roche. Julio is so old, he started playing when AstroTurf was still new. Of course, he spanked a hit to right field, and after a 2-2 wild pitch to Mr. Jordan, Billy was now officially in trouble. Enter Chase Utley, playing the role of the Flash. On 3-2, Jordan fisted a low liner that looked destined for center field and at least a tie game when Utley dove head-long to his right and speared it backhanded for the final out. What a play! A game-saver to be sure, and boy did we need it. The spectacular play by Utley preserved the 2-1 win for Lieber, who is now 3-0. Tomas Perez christened Lieber with a shaving cream pie as he was being interviewed by Harry Kalas on the post game show. Welcome to Philadelphia, Jon.

The win puts us back in a last-place tie, this time with Florida, at 5-6. Nobody is running away with it, though, and the Nationals will have to come back to earth eventually. We've got an ESPN Sunday Night game tomorrow, with Mike Hampton facing Brett Myers. My wife and I will be at, incredibly, a pro hockey game. Yes, they still have that, at least minor league style. Quest For Tech is taking all the volunteers on an outing. Volunteer today, and you can go! There are actually 10 tickets left, so I'm not kidding. Send me an e-mail, and I'll get you hooked up.

SPINNING THE LP

As promised, let's discuss the Phillies ownership group. Bill Conlin, the crusty, corpulent senior scribe for the Philadelphia Daily News, wrote an excellent article last October explicating the complicated proprietorship that is the Phillies, LP. As the official name suggests, the team is actually a Limited Partnership, with all the legal ramifications an LP entails. David Montgomery is the Managing General Partner. This affords him all managing duties over the partnership, and assigns to him the day-to-day operations of the club, as well as the responsibility over any lawsuits or judgments against the partnership. The remainder of the partnership are "Limited Partners", which more or less spells it out. They have no say in day-to-day operations, are not liable for any judgments or lawsuits, and most likely, per their Limited Partnership contract, are not allowed to make any public statements or pronouncements regarding the operation of the team.

The other Limited Partners are:

- Claire S. Betz. She is the widow of John Betz, who originally invested in the partnership in 1981. According to Conlin, she's a nice old lady who attends Spring Training games and splits her time between Key Largo and the Main Line. From all accounts, she does not own a Saint Bernard named Betzie, thank goodness. The Citizens Bank Park grounds crew is especially thankful.

- Double Play, Inc, which is a corporation owned by John Middleton. Middleton, says Conlin, comes from "fifth-generation Philadelphia old money". He also owns the McIntosh Inn chain of motels. If you are not familiar with these, they are in the Red Roof Inn class and are often strategically situated near a Denny's.

- Tri-Play Associates (did they all sit in a room to come up with these names?), owned by Alexander, Mahlon, and William Buck. They are better known (In business circles, anyway, I guess) as the venture capitalists TDH Capital Corporation. Think Duke & Duke, with an extra Duke.

- Giles Limited Partnership. This is the Giles family group, headed by former Managing General Partner Bill Giles. At least they don't have "play" in their name. Giles is the son of former National League and Cincinnati Reds President Warren Giles. Bill started this mess in 1981 by forming the LP and buying the Phillies for $30 million from Ruly Carpenter. Carpenter had built the Phillies into a powerhouse in the late 70's, leading them to their only World Series title in 1980 before promptly selling the team for fear of the impending free agency explosion, of which he was quite prescient. It's not like Giles and company haven't made out like bandits, however. Giles' original investment of about $100,000 from his father's estate is worth many times that (wouldn't W be proud?), and Conlin calculated that John Betz' initial $9.3 million investment would net his widow about $150 million in today's market.

Then there is David Montgomery himself, of course. He started with the Phillies in 1971 fresh out of the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, selling group and season ticket plans. Giles apparently found out about him through a friend, heard he was a Wharton grad, and told him, "Well, let's put you to work and see what you can do!" After that thorough vetting process, Montgomery slowly worked his way up the ranks, acquiring ownership shares along the way, until he was finally installed as Managing General Partner in 1997 while Giles concentrated on building a new stadium. Giles tenure had been marked by a couple of fluky successes, in 1983 and 1993, surrounded by years of mediocrity and worse. The farm system was systematically dismantled throughout the Giles era, and is only now producing quality big-leaguers again, albeit not very many. Montgomery hired Ed Wade away from the Orioles organization to be his General Manager, and has stuck with him through thin and thin. The franchise has not seen the postseason for the last 12 seasons, often not even coming close. In 2004, the team moved into the retro Citizens Bank Park after a long and contentious negotiating process with the city of Philadelphia and the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania over public funding. While the park is a monumental improvement over the old Vet, it remains to be seen whether it will translate into the sort of revenue generator that will put the Phillies into the payroll sphere of the upper echelon teams, or if the Phillies LP even wants that.

So, what does this all mean for the fans? Limited Partnerships are pretty common around baseball, and can be very successful. The Red Sox and Yankees are LP's, and they do pretty well. The main problem with the Phillies ownership are the guys at the top. Montgomery is more than likely an able businessman. The franchise value has increased steadily over the years, and together with Giles they were able to get the new stadium built, which will certainly enhance revenue. What Montgomery and Giles have never shown any evidence of is that they know (or even care about) what it takes to produce winning baseball. Giles is the scion of the family who built a franchise once known as "The Big Red Machine", but little seems to have rubbed off. Montgomery has no background in the game of baseball whatsoever. The hiring and apparent undying loyalty to Ed Wade demonstrates that Montgomery and Giles believe in the "old school" of baseball orthodoxy, at least in terms of choosing and paying for talent. Wade almost unfailingly chooses aging veterans to fill open roster spots, never, ever overpays for a star player, and has little or no regard for the now-well-established (since the Red Sox triumph) science of sabermetrics, where computers and statistics are used in imaginative ways to unearth hidden player value. The team's choice of field managers also demonstrates their old school tendencies. After a brief trial with the young Terry Francona, brought in mainly to work with the rebuilding team that Wade had inherited, Wade and Montgomery decided that in order to get to the next level, the Phillies needed to bring in 1980 hero and fan favorite Larry Bowa. The Bowa regime was not an unmitigated disaster, but the team made almost no improvement over his reign, and quite possibly regressed. Bowa had never shown any ability to win at the big league level, and much worse, had shown a marked propensity for pissing everyone off. It was not surprising then when Bowa chased off star third baseman Scott Rolen, who helped lead the Cardinals to the NL title last year. Most of the rest of the players either harbored a seething animosity toward their manager, or were so intimidated by him that they underperformed badly (see Burrell, Pat). After four mediocre and disappointing seasons, the Phillies fired Bowa and replaced him with another, much quieter ante-deluvian retread, Charlie Manuel.

Can things improve? The new ballpark, and what the LP does with the money, is the most important factor in answering that question. If Montgomery and Giles pour it back into the free-agent market, or at least use it to retain the best talent and build the farm system, the Phillies can prosper. The chances of this happening, however, seem remote at best. Wade simply won't go the extra mile to pursue a top free agent, instead spending relatively small amounts of money for veterans with middling value, like Kenny Lofton and David Bell. Even the Jim Thome acquisition, by far Wade's most daring and expensive move, involved a 32-year-old player with only one real skill. Wade also never parts with prized youngsters in trade negotiations, which usually squelches any blockbuster deals. This would be fine if his youngsters developed into stars, but none have to date. The only player Wade either drafted or had a chance to sign who has blossomed lately is J. D. Drew. In a fairly indicative episode, Wade refused the bonus demands from Drew's agent Scott Boras and let him get re-drafted the following year by the Cardinals.

One of Wade's untouchables, righty Gavin Floyd, deals tonight against Horacio Ramirez, a promising lefty for the Braves. Floyd was brilliant in his first start, retiring 19 Cardinals in a row at one stage with a baffling curve ball. If Floyd can maintain this level of domination, Wade will finally achieve some measure of vindication. Much bigger vindication would come with a division title. The Nationals won their home opener last night in front of Tim Russert, Sen. Chris Dodd, and oh yeah, that Bush guy, which puts them in first all alone. The Mets also won, putting the Phillies in a tie for...last place. Keep dreaming, Ed.

D-RAILED

Well, that was Micco-sucky. I am of course referring a) to the ubiquitous signs for the Miccosukee Casino ringing Dolphins Stadium, and b) yesterday's game. I've never even heard of the Miccosukee tribe. I guess they were patrolling South Beach before leggy European models with an aversion to bikini tops and fey Cuban hairdressers with an aversion to restraint took over.

In any event, the Phillies and Marlins played a day game, much to my surprise, on a Wednesday of all days. I missed the whole thing, which was fine, since it didn't go well for the guys in red and gray. Dontrelle Willis upped his consecutive scoreless streak to 18 innings to start the season, recording his second complete game shutout of the year in two tries. If the Marlins keep this up, their pitching stats will start looking like the '68 Tigers and Cardinals. I half expect Denny McClain to start (and finish, naturally) the back end of a doubleheader.

Yesterday's 4-0 result in Florida, combined with Washington's 11-4 drubbing of Atlanta leaves the Marlins, Nationals, and Braves in first, with the Phillies one game back. Baseball Prospectus, my favorite baseball web site, lists the Marlins as the best team in baseball, and I can't disagree. Four complete games in nine outings? That's unheard of, and completely unsustainable, but it shows what they are capable of. I saw John Marzano on Daily News Live on Comcast Sportsnet yesterday afternoon, and he said the Phillies shouldn't worry, because number one and number two starters will pitch like this many times throughout the season. I have news for you, John: Dontrelle is the Marlins #3 starter. And they are in our division, so we get them 16 more times. I would worry.

The Phillies are (checking ESPN.com) off today, heading back home for a (checking ESPN.com again) seven game homestand against Atlanta, the Mets, and the possibly historically bad Rockies. Hey, this Internet thing really comes in handy sometimes, for looking up, like, facts and stuff. I'll have to enlighten readers on the mysterious intricacies of Phillies ownership tomorrow.

WOLF BLITZED

Last night was a typical outing for Randy Wolf against the Marlins: 6 IP, 5 ER, 2 HR allowed. My distant cousin Mike Lowell tied the game in the 4th with a mammoth shot over the scoreboard at recently rechristened Dolphins Stadium (they might as well call it "Hey Marlins, Get The Hell Out Of Our" Stadium). Dodger refugee Paul LoDuca made it 5-2 with another two-run shot in the 5th. The Aquamen roughed up the bullpen, including someone by the name of Pedro Liriano, for three more for an 8-2 final. The real problem for the Phils, however, was AJ Burnett. After missing nearly all of the 2003 World Championship season and about half of last season recovering from Tommy John surgery (can we call that something else now? How about, Welcome To The Big Leagues surgery), he's healthy and nearly unhittable. He was registering triple digit heat as late as the seventh inning, and his curve, slider, and changeup were all working. The Marlins starting rotation now has three times as many complete games as...the American League. Frightening.

In other news, my favorite player on my Strat team, Miguel Cabrera, continues to look like money. He lined a sharp single off Wolf (also, sadly, on my Strat team), and then casually slapped a Terry Adams do-nothing breaking ball into the left-field seats. He turns 22 next week.

Tonight's matchup is Cory Lidle vs. The D Train, Dontrelle Willis. Willis already has one shutout this year, and Abreu and Thome are normally rendered moot against lefties who come from the side like Dontrelle. I'm not optimistic. Lidle was decent in his first start, and he's the only Phillie to throw multiple shutouts last year, so there's a possibility something good might happen. I have a feeling we'll see that signature high leg kick of the D Train well into the late innings, though.

New Braves closer Danny Kolb gacked a big one last night, allowing three Nats to score in the ninth for a 4-3 loss. Atlanta still has a one game lead on us, Florida and Washington, with the Mets two and a half out.

The Mets lost their first five for new manager Willie Randolph before Pedro finally broke through against John Smoltz on Sunday. The Mets were our family team back in upstate NY. My mom grew up in Brooklyn, and she and my dad were ardent Brooklyn Dodgers fans for the better part of their lives until Dem Bums went west in 1957. The Mets arrived in 1962 as an expansion team, and were instantly adopted by my family. Even my maternal grandmother, who also spent a big chunk of her life in Brooklyn, loved the Amazins. My earliest baseball memories are of watching the highlights of the 1969 World Series win over Baltimore during rain delays. Clendennon, Agee, Seaver, Grote, Swoboda - this was the Pantheon in our house. I didn't really understand the significance of what had occurred, but I knew that we had been a part of something big, a bona fide Miracle. I didn't really start comprehending or appreciating the game until the '73 pennant run, when Big Bad Pete Rose started a fight with little Buddy Harrelson during the NLCS. The Mets somehow bested the Big Red Machine in five games, and then had to face the defending champion Oakland A's, they of the loud uniforms and hippie hair. I remember Charlie Finley firing Mike Andrews for making in error in one of the early games, and then being forced to re-instate him by Bowie Kuhn. I also remember the Mets improbable run finally wilting in the seventh game, and my uncle, who lived not far from the Oakland Coliseum, rubbing it in.

After that season, the Mets descended into a spiral of mediocrity and then downright atrociousness under the incompetent stewardship of M. Donald Grant. The low point was the 1977 trade of my hero, Tom Seaver, to the Reds for four nobodies. The late 70's and early 80's were a dark time to be a Mets fan. Of course, I was just getting into Little League and then puberty, so the Mets nadir couldn't have come at a worse time. While my classmates and teammates were jumping on the Steinbrenner Yankee bandwagon, I spent my summers wondering whether Dave Kingman could possibly strike out any more, and why Lenny Randle and Elliott Maddox were not only wearing major league uniforms, but getting serious playing time. The only solace was the announcing team of Bob Murphy and Ralph Kiner; Murph for his professionalism and class, and Kiner for his loveable incompetence. My favorite weekend afternoons were spent listening to a Mets doubleheader on the transistor radio at Glimmerglass State Park, riding back home in my Dad's Oldsmobile with Murph describing the late innings on the car radio, and after arriving back home to see the end of a rare Mets win, watching Kiner's Korner, seeing how many words Ralph would stumble over and what kind of insane questions he would ask. My favorite guests were Le Grand Orange, Rusty Staub, and of course, the man, Tom Seaver. Seaver was such a pro, possessing an encyclopedic knowledge of pitching and the ability to convey it, even after a grueling complete game. I loved his high pitched cackle whenever Ralph would say something crazy. Rusty was cool, charming, sophisticated, and could talk a great game. Both players epitomized in my mind what it meant to be a major league baseball player. They will always set the standard.

In 1980, the Mets were sold to publishing magnate Nelson Doubleday, of the Abner Doubledays, and Fred Wilpon. They hired Frank Cashen, architect of the great 60's and 70's Orioles teams, to be the new GM. It took a few years, but the turnaround had begun, just in time for my high school and college years. The first big acquisition was George Foster from the Reds. Big George had hit 52 homers in 1977 for the Reds, and Mets fans hadn't seen anything like him in their history. He was mostly a flop, but it gave us hope that the Mets were serious about bringing in star players. The next big move was the 1983 trade for Keith Hernandez, former co-MVP of the National League. Hernandez immediately took charge of the clubhouse and instilled an expectation of winning that had been missing since the '73 team. In 1984, the call-up of pitching phenom Dwight Gooden put the Mets right in the thick of the NL East race, eventually won by the Cubs, with the Mets finishing a respectable second. When Gary Carter was traded to New York for spare parts after the 1984 season, I knew that the Mets would be contenders for years. 1985, my senior year in High School, looked to be the year they would finally get back to the postseason. Another youngster with the impossible name of Darryl Strawberry was hitting baseballs in places where baseballs had never been hit, Gooden was untouchable, and Carter and Hernandez were having career years. They battled the Cardinals all season until succumbing in the final week.

Ah, 1986, the high point of my baseball existence. We had been so close in 1985, and with Strawberry and Gooden another year older, and Bobby Ojeda now in the rotation, we looked unbeatable. There's no doubt 1986 was my favorite summer. The Mets won games in every conceivable fashion that year. For the opponents, no lead was ever safe, no matter how late the in the game it was. My favorite game that year was in Cincinnati, when the Mets tied it with two outs in the 9th, and then ran out of position players when a brawl erupted after a steal of third by the Reds Eric Davis. Roger McDowell and Jesse Orosco spent the 10th through 13th innings switching between right field and the pitchers mound before Howard Johnson homered in the top of the 14th. That game was the essence of the '86 Mets: Whatever it takes.

The postseason that year has been dissected to exhaustion, but to be a long-suffering fan of the team that won it was the most exhilarating and rewarding experience of my baseball life. I remember being home from college for Fall Break during Game Three of the NLCS, and heading to the mall to get a haircut as the Mets fell behind early. When the haircut was done, the Mets had tied it, and then fallen behind again. Lenny Dykstra then belted a two-run homer off Astro closer Dave Smith in the bottom of the 9th, and we were up 2 games to 1. Back at school, we all gathered in my room to watch Game Six on the little 13" color TV my parents had bought me the previous Christmas. It looked bleak as Bob Knepper mowed down the Mets for eight innings, with Cy Young winner Mike Scott waiting to close it out in Game Seven. The Mets rallied for three in the 9th, and then I had to go to my Co-op Orientation Meeting. AAAUUGGHHH! I missed the Mets run in the 14th, and Billy Hatcher's foul pole homer to tie it, but I made it back in time to see the Mets score three in the 16th. The Astros scored two in the 16th, but Orosco got Kevin Bass looking, threw his glove to the ceiling, and the METS WIN THE PENNANT! I couldn't believe my eyes. The last time I had seen that, it was Tug McGraw getting mobbed at Shea in 1973. How far they had fallen, and then come back again. On to the World Series.

This is where Sox fans can stop reading (not that anyone is reading). For Game Six, my roommate and I were watching the final innings with a guy down the hall, Rob, who was from Framingham, MA. When Dave Henderson hit the homer to put the Sox up by two in the 10th, Rob was still wary, but clearly psyched. I think he went back to his room to call some of his friends back home. I remember having my finger poised on the remote button to turn the TV off if the Mets made the final out because I couldn't bear it. "My teams never win," I kept telling my roommate. And then. Well, at this point, I should have known. The Mets had been staging miraculous comebacks all year, and when I saw Bob "Steamer" Stanley trot in from the bullpen, it was over as far I was concerned. I knew from playing Strat-o-Matic that Stanley was a bum, and given the Red Sox accursed history, it all began to come together. The Buckner thing really didn't surprise me much. Whatever it takes. I do remember jumping high enough that my head almost hit the ceiling when Ray Knight crossed home. I don't recall even being worried about Game Seven. There was no way we could lose after Game Six. We fell behind early, but came storming back and won easily, 8-5. Vindication, at last.

The rest of the 80's were semi-successful. The Mets made the playoffs again in '88 only to run into the Orel Hershiser/Kirk Gibson Dodger juggernaut, and then slowly fell into decline. I moved away to Illinois and started following the Chicago White Sox, because I sure as hell wasn't going to root for the Cubs or Cardinals. Then I moved to Houston and found some room in my heart for the poor, pathetic Astros. I stopped back close to home at Cooperstown in 1992 to watch Tom Seaver get inducted into the Hall Of Fame, the first and only Met to make it. Other than that, my Met affiliation has been completely severed. Now I'm in Philly, and the Fightins are my team. I always have believed in rooting for the team that you can follow every day on radio, TV, and in the newspaper, and whose games you can actually attend if you are so inclined. I attended only five Mets games the entire time I rooted for them. Three of those were shutouts by Mets pitchers, and two of the games were in Montreal, near where I went to school. I went to three White Sox games, two in Old Comiskey and one in New Comiskey. I've been to countless Astros games. My boss had a mini-season ticket plan, and would often give me his tickets when he couldn't make it. I've only seen six Phillies games so far: four here, one in Baltimore, and one in Fenway. The Vet was a horrible place to watch a game, and the new ball park is a tough ticket. My wife and I prefer the local minor league park of the Wilmington Blue Rocks. The parking is free, the sight lines are fantastic, and it's still baseball.

Enough reminiscing. There's a season to be played.

FAITHLESS

It's been two weeks, time for a blog entry.

I've been listening to the Stewart O'Nan/Stephen King book "Faithful" on my iPod at the gym lately, and I've decided to try the same thing with the Phillies. Like O'Nan, I come late to this particular baseball affliction, but unlike King I don't happen to possess second row behind-the-dugout seats. Alas. We'll see how it goes.

The Phillies aren't nearly as loveable as the Bosox nor do they have quite the same tortured history nor do their fans suffer the same blind devotion. The Phillies just suck, and have for a couple of decades, and for many more decades before that. Phillies fans resign themselves to mediocrity in mid-February, and content themselves with Harry Kalas' lug-ub-ri-ous de-liv-er-y while they fritter away the summer down the shore. The Fightins are mere props in the long running touring company production of an inferiority complex that is life in and around Philadelphia. There are no expectations placed on the Phillies, aside from never having enough good players. They rarely even make the post-season, which deprives the Phillies fan of the Oresteian epics with the Yankees that Boston fans must endure. Mostly, Phillies fans like the Phillies because we like being able to complain. It's what we do.

The 2005 edition of the Phils once again will labor in the shadow of the Atlanta Braves, NL East Division winners every year since the divisions were trisected and a full season was played, in 1995. The Braves were once the plaything of Ted Turner, a Steinbrennerian media mogul with an unlimited wallet and the competitive nature of Karl Rove down 10 points in the polls. Ted eventually sold out to Time Warner who merged with AOL. The corporate suits have been threatening a drastic payroll reduction for the last few years, but the Braves have always been able to piece together a winner due to the steady management of GM John Schuerholz, Manager Bobby Cox and Pitching Coach Leo Mazzone. Atlanta is in every way a model franchise. God, how I hate them. Their fans are a bunch of assholes, too. Every time I see that Tomahawk Chop, I suddenly become an activist for Native American rights. And there isn't enough space in the known universe for me to fully explain my loathing for Chipper Jones.

The rest of the division has gaping flaws. The Mets picked up Pedro Martinez and Carlos Beltran in the free-agent market, but they have no bullpen, and Mike Piazza is a liability behind the plate. The Marlins have a loaded lineup and great pitching, but you never know with them. They look terrible in April and win the World Series, and then they look great and finish below .500. It has to take a lot out of a team to play in the Miami heat all summer before a half-empty stadium. Then again, they do have two rings in the last 8 years. The Nationals are a disgrace. Major League Baseball has been holding them in escrow for the last three years while they search for a permanent owner, they've been moved to an abandoned football/soccer stadium in a city that is 90% African-American during a period when baseball has done nothing to attract minorities, and on top of all that, they have no decent players. They should be lucky to avoid 100 losses, but somehow, they'll win the season series from Philadelphia anyway.

The Phillies stumbled through Spring Training this year with a record of 11-18, second to last in the Grapefruit League. The pitching was the biggest shortcoming. Vicente Padilla missed the whole spring and will be sidelined for several weeks of the regular season, and none of the other starters impressed. The team Spring ERA of 5.85 won't translate well up North. The main controversy in the Spring was what to do with young Ryan Howard. Howard can clearly hit for power, but as a natural first baseman, he will never supplant superstar Jim Thome. The Phils had him play some innings in left field, but had it been a medical trial it would have been cut short due to imminent danger to life and health of the test subject. GM Ed Wade finally decided to park Howard in Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes Barre until an injury forces him into the lineup or until some AL team in need of a DH offers something useful. Howard demanded a trade, which Wade laughed aside while pointing to the Major League Baseball Players Association labor agreement, subpart: "Players with less than six years major league service".

Citizens Bank Park, the Phils' still-sparkly newish home, hosted the season opener. New Philly ace Jon Lieber took on Washington, scattering 10 hits (he's like the Johnny Appleseed of hits!) in an 8-4 win over Livan Hernandez. Phils center fielder Kenny Lofton, another new addition, broke open the game with a line-drive three-run homer in the bottom of the fifth. I guess he is better than Marlon Byrd.

The Nats took the final two games of the series by victimizing the Phillies bullpen. Game two was a 3-2 nailbiter in the 8th until Charlie Manuel handed the ball to Tim Worrell. Four hits and four runs later, DC led 6-3 and tacked on another against Terry Adams to win it 7-3. Worrell struck again in Game Three, giving up the tying run in the 8th while Frenchy Cormier allowed the game-winner in the 10th. They better figure this out soon, or, boy we will be complaining a lot.

On the road to St. Louis we go. The defending NL champs have an offense that Mike Martz would be proud of, but only so-so pitching, which the Phils tore into fairly quickly. They built a 5-1 lead over newcomer Mark Mulder, only to blow it in the - you guessed it - 8th inning. Ryan Madson did the honors this time, with some help from lefty Aaron Fultz, who walked Albert Pujols with the bases loaded for the go-ahead run. Yikes.

Games two and three of the Cardinal series started to make me feel a little better. Both were blowouts, 10-4 and 13-4. Pat Burrell is hotter than an authorized Paris Hilton sex video. After the St. Louis series, he has 15 RBI. Nobody else has 10. The next stop is Florida, though. Those guys drive us crazy.

Brett Myers took on Al Leiter last night in game one. I caught this one mostly from the beginning on Comcast Sportsnet. This is as good a time as any to mention the TV coverage for what won't be the last time. The Phils air on cable on Comcast Sportsnet, which is sort of a local version of ESPN, and less frequently, on the local UPN station. Sportsnet is part of the huge-o-mongus Comcast cable/high speed internet/sports franchise empire. Comcast also owns the 76ers and Flyers in addition to the arena they play in. They also host this web site, so if I say anything bad about them, they may (deleted). In any event, Comcast pretty much runs sports and sports coverage in this town. They even refuse to give their signal to DirecTV and Dish Network so that you have to subscribe to cable to watch the Phillies. (Deleted). Hey! Whatever. In general, the coverage is pretty good. Harry Kalas' voice alone usually makes it worth watching. Harry been getting kind of full himself, though, since he was inducted into the broadcasters wing of the Baseball Hall-of-Fame. He hired an agent and demanded to not have to work with color man Chris Wheeler before they finally gave him some more money last year. Actually, I can't blame him for not wanting to work with that whiny loser Wheels. Larry Andersen, an old southpaw reliever who has fashioned himself into the Steven Wright of baseball announcers, rounds out the TV crew.

Anyway, the game. Burrell did it again in the top of the first, launching an upper deck shot over the Teal Monster (oh, please) to make it 2-0. Pat promptly gave a run back in the bottom of the first by dropping a fly ball to allow Carlos Delgado to score. Leiter infuriated everyone with 3-2 counts for the next four innnings, giving up another run before they started running out of baseballs and the Marlins had to pull him. The Delgado run turned out to be it for the Fish as Brett Myers and a newly non-incendiary bullpen blanked Florida for the rest of the evening for a 4-1 win. I don't know about Billy Wagner yet. He's throwing hard, but he looks a lot more hittable. Maybe I'm overreacting. He said he wants to retire after this season if the Phillies win it all. I'm not even remotely concerned with the Phillies winning it all, but you hate to hear a guy utter the "R" word, especially in March or April.

We're 4-3, with two more in Dade County before heading home to play the Atlanta Evil Spawn. Wolfie's going tonight.

THE HITS KEEP ON COMING

Hey, I've decided to go "Drudge" today.

ANNIKA SORENSTAM STILL NOT NUDE ON THIS OR ANY OTHER WEBSITE

DEVELOPING...

SIC SAD WORLD^TM

This from Reuters Notable Quotes:

"I don't do anything anymore that feels safe. If it doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you're not doing the right thing."

-- SANDRA BULLOCK, now starring in "Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous," on choosing her movie roles.
 

LEAVE EVERY TINY LITTLE THING TO US

Holding hearings on steroids in baseball, issusing a subpeona to Terry Schiavo...welcome to your new and improved Full Service Congress!

You have a problem? We'll take it on! No problem is too small. Sure, we used to worry about stuff like war, civil rights, the Hawley-Smoot tariff, whatever the heck that was, but not anymore. Now we're focusing laser-like on your personal life. Yeah, you, buddy!

Got a neighbor playing his stereo too loud? Sounds like a job for the House International Relations Committee. Well, if your neighbor is Indian or something. God knows, sitar music isn't for everybody. The point is, Congress has nothing better to do! Nobody cares what we say about Iraq, Iran, or any of those other crazy places, or Social Security, or proliferation of nuclear material, or global warming (pffft!). Which is cool with us. We'd rather get some face time mediating disputes involving narrow issues that lots of our constituents are on one side of. It makes things so much easier.

So, sign up today! Contact your local Congressperson, and if you favorably answer the questions on our brief questionnaire (Question 1: Has this problem appeared on television on at least one major news network? Question 2: Do all your Republican friends agree on this issue?) we'll be holding hearings before you can say "abuse of power".

ANOTHER GOODBYE



Tiger
c. 1990 - March 4th, 2005

Grieve not,
nor speak of me with tears,
but laugh and talk of me
as if I were beside you...
I loved you so -----
'twas Heaven here with you.

Isla Paschal Richardson

YOUNG LOVE

Come on, it's Valentine's Day, send these two lovebirds a gift.

DYNASTY

ASK MONICA

Bill Clinton is being tapped by the U.N. to head up the tsunami relief effort.

Great choice. He's got a lot of experience dealing with wave after wave of!...oh, wait, wrong waves.

HYPE PRESSURE AREA

Many people say there's too much Super Bowl hype. TCP says, "There's too many people who say there's too much Super Bowl hype!" Before we descend into a self-inflicted death spiral, we thought it would be helpful to provide a guide to Super Bowl week so that you don't actually have to watch it (or comment on it) yourself.

MONDAY:

Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "Is T.O. going to play?"; "Can T.O. be ready by Sunday?"; "If T.O.'s fibula were a tree, what kind of tree would it be?"

Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "Are the Patriots a dynasty"; "When will you decide you're a dynasty?"; "If you win, is Bill Belichick going to change his name to Blake Carrington?"

TUESDAY:

Eagles Media Day. Questions will include, "What exactly is in a cheesesteak?"; "Who cracked the Liberty Bell?"; "It was T.O., wasn't it?"

Patriots Media Day. Questions will include, "Why do they call it Beantown?"; "Is it Foxboro or Foxborough? Or maybe Phahcksbireau?" "How about them Red Sox?"

WEDNESDAY:

Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "How's T.O. doing?"; "Is T.O. any closer?"; "What would T.O. want God to say when he arrived at the pearly gates?"

Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "How great a coach are you, Coach Belichick?"; "Are you guys the greatest team ever in the history of the universe, including the Roman Legion?"; "Coach Belichick, could you do my son's Advanced String Theory homework?"

THURSDAY:

Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "How about it?"; "Any chance?"; "How about if I ask that T.O. question in one syllable?"

Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "Is there any way on God's green earth that an unstoppable juggernaut with the smartest coach in the history of sentient beings can lose?"; "If you guys lose, would a black hole come up from under the field and swallow the whole city of Jacksonville."; "Would that be an improvement?"

FRIDAY:

Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "Well? (see I told you I could do it!)"

Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "Coach, do you think your team could defeat an army of Romulans, Aliens, Predators, Mongols, Huns, Nazis, Al Qaeda, the Manson Family, the SLA, Ted Bundy and Scott Peterson, with their hands tied behind their backs, blindfolded, and their feet tied together simply by using their minds?"

SATURDAY:

Official Hype-Free Day, brought to you by Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Taco Bell, Burger King, Coors Light, Bud Light, Miller Genuine Draft, Tostitos, Cialis, Monster.com, Quiznos, Subway, Siemens, BASF, Charles Schwab, TD Waterhouse, Chunky Soup, Lexus, Toyota, GMC Trucks, EBay, Wal-Mart, ExxonMobil, Archer Daniels Midland, Halliburton, and Lockheed Martin.

SUNDAY:

FOX Pre-Game Show, starting at 12:00.01 AM.

12:00.01 to 2 AM - Terry Bradshaw acts all crazy and shit
2 AM to 4 AM - Howie Long calls Bradshaw crazy and challenges him to a rasslin' match
4 AM to 6 AM - Jimmy Johnson gets his hair shellacked
6 AM to 8 AM - Joe Buck reacts to Randy Moss' bootleg sex video
8 AM to 10 AM - Pam Oliver interviews Terrell Owens and finally gets the spanking she deserves.
10 AM to Noon - J.B. does nothing, but with class and quiet dignity.
Noon to 2 PM - Cris Collinsworth tries to stir up controversy until everyone realizes he sucked with the Bengals
2 PM to 4 PM - Troy Aikman makes broad, obvious statements that even a 70's Brian Wilson would consider sane and rational
4 PM to 5 PM - Johnson's hair gets a second coat prior to gametime
5 PM to 5:01 PM - Actual game analysis. Everyone agrees that the Pats should win, but that the Eagles could win if they "force at least eleven turnovers and Charlie Weis calls the offensive plays using the Jumbotron"
5:01 PM to 6:30 PM - Ogling Jillian Barberie (well, we can hope, anyway)
6:30 PM - Kickoff! Brought to you by The Simple Life: Interns

Halftime - FOX Super Bowl Halftime Special, starring Laura Bush, Mary Lou Retton, Celine Dion, and the FCC Approved Dancers

Enjoy the week everybody! And bet with your head, not over it. (Note: Super Bowl wagering is illegal in 49 states and the District of Columbia. *snort!* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Seriously, take the under, unless T.O. looks healthy.)

YOU ASKED...

Washington Post columnist Maggie Gallagher was paid $21,500 by the Department of Health and Human Services to defend in her column President Bush's $300 million program encouraging marriage as a way to strengthen families. When asked by Post colleague Howard Kurtz if she felt she had violated journalistic ethics, she replied, "I don't know. You tell me."

Ok, Maggie. Read closely:






Scroll down some more...






Just a little more...






You'll be glad you did...





YES!

SIC SAD WORLD^TM, Volume Next Highest Number

From Salon.com's The Fix, on the decidedly non-fatal nor massively destructive breakup of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt:

"Speaking on behalf of Us Weekly, Wenner Media general manager Kent Brownridge put it this way: 'For a celebrity weekly, this is our tsunami.'"

THE "ME" ENTRY

Why did it just occur to me today that both of Tony Orlando and Dawn's big hits are about non-verbal communication?

Sorry, searchers, Bitty Schram still isn't nude anywhere on my site, but today is my birthday! In honor of me, I've decided to list my many accomplishments.

Little League, 1976 - Hustle Award. Boy, have I changed.

Little League, 1978, 1979 - All-Star. My dad was the coach.

8th Grade Graduation, 1981 - Four of nine academic awards. That little b*tch Maureen, who now writes occasional book reviews for the New York Times (seriously), moved to my town for the last half of the year and took the other five. I'm not bitter. Hey, at least Michiko Kakutani didn't move into my town, or I wouldn't have won jack.

High School Graduation, 1985 - Valedictorian. It was a small town, and Maureen had long since moved away.

College Graduation, 1989 - Bachelor of Science, Chemical Engineering. Notice the distinct lack of Latin phrases after that.

Personal, 1993 - Marriage License. Just in case my wife ever discovers this blog.

Work, 1994 - 5 Year Service Award. Pretty much self-explanatory. And all-encompassing.

Home, 1996 - World's Greatest Dad, as awarded by my cat via my wife as proxy. This award was presented under a cloud of suspicion, where it remains today.

Other Work, 2003 - 5 Year Service Award. Somewhere along the line I decided that the 10-year Service Award at my first job was too challenging.

Well, that's it. Only two more years until I win the coveted Black Balloons of Middle Age award!

A (REALLY BORING) CHRISTMAS STORY

I promised more. I never promised good.

Our Christmas started at the Philadelphia International Airport. It remained there several hours later as a single lonely US Airways employee slowly loaded bags into the cargo hold of our plane to Orlando. Very slowly. More slowly than Estelle Getty completing the Ironman Triathlon.

Finally, we arrived in the Seasonal Rain State. The rental house my niece booked did, in fact, exist, and we all settled in for the week. We called the maintenance guy to turn on the heat to the jacuzzi. It may come on sometime next week. It never heated up while we were there, but it was fun imagining we had a jacuzzi.

Day 2 was Christmas Eve. My sisters, their families, and my mother came over. Absolutely nothing happened. I mean, things happened, but I was too busy watching football and playing PlayStation with my brother to have paid attention. We played Trivial Pursuit. It was aptly named.

Ah, Christmas, when 33 adults and 9 children cram into a rental house and eat enough to feed several villages worth of tsunami survivors. The best part was when my grandnephew ran head first into the sliding glass door, and appeared to improve. My nieces organized a $20 buy-in Texas Hold 'Em game in lieu of watching their children. Who could blame them? I snagged two scratch-off lottery tickets in the Yankee Swap. I hope to parlay the $5 I won into a recording contract. Actually, I bought five Florida Lottery quick picks.

I'm getting tired of writing this, and let's face it, Christmas was the money shot anyway. Let's condense. Princesses (or at least really hot actresses playing princesses) everywhere at Disney. My grandniece peed on her mother. Traffic on I-4. My sister's dog peed on my wife. Traffic on 192. I conflated Susan Sontag and Erica Jong (I'm such an idiot). Several cell phone calls. More visits with my sisters. Lunch at Universal. "The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou" (loved it). More traffic on 192. The Pats beat the Jets (real life), and the Eagles beat the Falcons (PlayStation. I was the Eagles). An uneventful flight back to Philadelphia. And now I'm here typing this.

The Florida Lottery drawing is tonight. Wish me luck! If I win, either I never have to write in this blog again, or all I ever have to do is write in this blog. I hope I find out.

THE REAL REAL WORLD

This is the true story of nine people, picked by birth and marriage to live in a house in Florida around the Christmas holiday and have their lives blogged. Watch what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting...familial.

It's that time of the year, when people who have nothing in common with each other besides serially subletting the same womb get together to celebrate the birth of someone they probably have even less in common with. My family will gather in the "I Can't Believe It's Not A Democracy" state of Florida, where many of them already live and are disenfranchised. Most of the rest of us who live in states where they actually count the votes will gather in a rental home picked out by my niece from a list of about 6,700 web sites, according to Google. The house has an address, so we're hoping it actually exists. It may end up being imaginary, in which case we'll kill my niece and serve her in a rich bearnaise sauce.

As far as I can divine, this particular house has no high speed internet access, making actual blogging problematic. Nevertheless, I am packing the Official Laptop of The Crossbow Project, which I recently purchased with money that should be in my 401K. Since the house supposedly has phone lines (how quaint!), I should be able to partake of NetZero, assuming my housemates exclusively use their cell phones to contact their dealers. That sister-in-law of mine, what a crank fiend!

We depart from Philadelphia's piquant (or, more accurately, urine-soaked) airport on Thursday. More to follow...

DOWNWARD UPWARD MOBILITY

Wackenhut, the security firm essentially fired after 9/11 by the US Government from their bang-up job of protecting the nation's airports, is now protecting the nation's uranium stockpile, with predictable results.

What if the sports world and the private sector worked like the government? Here are a few historical headlines that might have been:

1973: MUNICH BASKETBALL ARENA TIMER TO RUN SWISS WATCH COMPANY

1979: JOE PISARCIK TABBED AS GIANTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR

1987: BILL BUCKNER TO RELEASE FIELDING INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO

1991: BILLS SIGN SCOTT NORWOOD TO LIFETIME PLACE-KICKING CONTRACT

1998: TYSON CHOSEN AS NY TIMES FOOD CRITIC

2004: BARTMAN GETS FREE CUBS SEASON TICKETS, FIRST ROW THIRD BASE LINE

YEAH, THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT

SEX MIS-ED

Rep. Henry Waxman has reported that the federal government will spend $170 million this year on abstinence-only sex education programs which contain numerous factual errors. Hmmm...opportunity knocks again!

To: The Department of Health and Human Services
From: The Crossbow Project

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION - AN ABSTINENCE-ONLY SEX EDUCATION PROGRAM

1. Introduction - Sex before marriage - how bad is it?
   
   
   
   1. Really bad, or really really bad?
      
   2. Or really really really bad?
      
      
      
      1. Several more "reallys"?
         
      
      
   
   
2. What happens if you have sex before marriage
   
   
   
   1. Acne
      
   2. Rashes
      
   3. Festering sores
      
   4. Leprosy
      
   5. Under certain circumstances, triggering nuclear annihilation
      
   
   
3. Condoms - how safe are they?
   
   
   
   1. You're joking, right?
      
   2. Can cause acne, rashes, festering sores, and leprosy by themselves
      
   3. Nuclear annihilation-triggering still being studied
      
   4. Always let the sperm of sinners through - somehow, they know
      
   
   
4. Birth control pills
   
   
   
   1. Satan's candy
      
   2. Why are we still having this discussion?
      
   
   
5. Benefits of abstinence
   
   
   
   1. Well, clear skin at least
      
   2. Absence of guilt over sexual misconduct, ability to really concentrate on all other guilt
      
   3. A.C. Green's autograph!
      
   4. Eternal happiness (only when combined with tithing, of course)
      
   
   
6. Review
   
   
   
   1. Sex before marriage will kill you
      
   2. Or at least cause you to burn in Hell
      
   3. Get your filthy hands off your genitals, you freak! (See our pamphlet "Masturbating Causes Cancer")
      
   
   

Yours today for only a small $1 million grant. We take PayPal.

Sincerely,
The Crossbow Project

YOU SAY YOU DON'T LIKE IT, BUT GIRL I KNOW YOU'RE A LIAR

UPN will be airing a reality show where the band TLC attempts to replace their late former member, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez.

I probably won't be watching much of this show, but you know I'll be TiVo'ing the episode where they do the "Setting Fire To Your Boyfriend's House In A Jealous Rage" competition. I'm a sucker for pyromaniacal romance.

SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER

I don't know whether this is also the gayest thing I've ever seen, or simply the most inappropriate.

CAN I GIVE BACK BOTH PATRIOTS SUPER BOWL WINS?

Well, let me say congratulations to the meek, the frightened, the dim-witted, the sanctimonious, the self-righteous, the weak-willed, the hypocritical, the corrupt, the greedy, the bigoted, the intolerant, the ignorant, the asinine, the reptilian, the oblivious, the moronic, the stupid, the arrogant, the uninformed, the dogmatic, the amoral, and the tens of millions of Americans who didn't even bother to show up:

Your guy won!

AS IF I COULDN'T HEAR THE SHOUTING FROM HERE

So, who won the game last night?

NASAL DRIP

This is one of the few things in the world I can think of that is worse than cancer (scroll down to "Wake Up Call", and please, do not read anything else ever in the NY Post).

BLISS

A BLOG ENTRY

Jodi has another in her series of gym-related entries, so I thought I'd weigh in. Weigh in!Ha! I'm so damn clever.

So, anyway, I'm at the gym, doing the weight-machine-circuit thing, and this subhuman has decided to work out on one machine while draping his towel over an adjacent machine. The machine I want to use next. Effectively, he is now working on two machines at the same time! (It isn't doing him any good.) After pausing to consider congratulating him on his efficiency (not likely), or possibly shoving his towel up into his transverse colon (I ain't touching that thing) (the towel or the colon), I decided to move onto another machine and come back. Our dear friend proceeded to alternate between the two machines for the better part of 15 minutes, always taking time between exercises to sit and reflect on, oh whatever it is a prodigious intellect such as his is wont to reflect on (The TV show "According To Jim"?). I didn't stop to look, but the odds that he wiped down either machine with his handy towel are lower than the chances of Dick Cheney giving Rosie O'Donnell an orgasm.

And then I went home the end.

SIC SAD WORLD^TM*, Volume, um, whatever

Alan Keyes, on children of gay couples (courtesy Chicago SunTimes):

"If we do not know who the mother is, who the father is, without knowing all the brothers and sisters, incest becomes inevitable," Keyes told the Marquette Park rally held to oppose same-sex marriages.

"Whether they mean it or not, that is what will happen. If you are masked from your knowing your biological parents, you are in danger of encountering brothers and sisters you have no knowledge of."

* Not really. Again.

SAY A LITTLE PRAYER

Remember when the Medicare drug cards came out, and TCP started our own Medicare drug card program? Turns out, the competition was pretty cutthroat, and well, it actually required more than sitting back and cashing checks from gullible senior citizens, which was what we were going for.

But lo, in light of this news, a light hath shineth upon us! Today, TCP is announcing the first-ever and only that we know of PHMO (Prayer Health Maintenance Organization).

For a low low monthly fee (see plan prospectus for definition of "low"), TCP's enormous readership will pray for your health! The details are listed below:

Annual Deductible...................Varies. How much money do you have?
Annual Out-of-Pocket**..............See above.
Lifetime Maximum....................This is getting redundant
Inpatient Hospitalization...........85%/One dozen novenas
Out-of-Area Dependent Coverage......We'll send a letter to Jimmy Swaggart
Physician Office Visits.............Three Hail Marys
Specialist Visit....................Two Our Fathers
Well-Baby Care......................Priest will "baby-sit" until age 15 or so (male only)
Mammograms..........................Nun will visit house personally
Outpatient Surgery..................100%, psychic surgery only

Behavioral Health
Inpatient...........................Prayer to St. Joan, patron saint of loonies
Substance Abuse.....................Hey, we're in a War on Drugs, remember?

Maternity Care
Prenatal and Postnatal Visits.......100%, but if you even think about abortion, 0%

Hospital Services
Oral Surgery........................That would be St. Guy, patron saint of Hockey
Infertility.........................St. Hugh, patron saint of knockin' boots.

Vision Benefits
Eye exam............................St. Ghwsnq
Glasses, Contacts, etc..............St. Urkel

Emergency Care......................Mass said in your honor. Oh wait, that's only if, well, you know.

Sign up today!

BATTLE OF THE BULGES

WHEN YOU WISH UPON A PERLE

"President" George W. Bush, yesterday:

"...(the) Taliban no longer is in existence."

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan - Officials are investigating a series of puzzling disappearances of large numbers of soldiers, officials, and clerics that were, until yesterday, collectively known as the Taliban. "It was bizarre," said local resident Abdel Sharaz. "Once minute they were here, oppressing us, enforcing strict Sharia law, engaging in various military acts against the beleaguered Kabul government, and then, whoosh!, they were gone! It was like magic!"

Numerous reports around the war-ravaged country corroborate Sharaz' story. Armed men with beards and heavy weaponry who had, until yesterday, been in control of several mountainous sectors of Afghanistan near the Pakistani border suddenly vanished, seemingly in the blink of an eye. A senior White House official, when asked for comment, said, "Clearly, the will of this President is so strong that merely mentioning something in a speech can physically make it so. What other explanation could there be?"

Apparently not aware of the massive, sudden disappearance of the Taliban from the country, Kabul official Jailani Khan blamed the Taliban today for killing three Afghan soldiers. Also, US forces were clearly mistaken in arresting 15 "Taliban militia" members today near the Pakistan border. Finally, U.S. military spokesman Major Scott Nelson should be quickly retracting his statement today that "the international community must stand firm against a small minority of terrorists who oppose stability and democracy and are trying to deny the Afghan people the right to choose the president," now that the Taliban no longer exist.

"Um, we had a little lag in the information pipeline," said a senior White House official. "It's halfway around the world. What do you expect? Shoot, most of the American middle class doesn't even realize yet that they got a huge tax cut!"

NAME THAT COUNTRY

Donald Rumsfeld, last week:

"Let's say you tried to have an election and you could have it in three-quarters or four-fifths of the country, but some places you couldn't, because the violence was too great, well, so be it. You have an election that's not quite perfect. Is it better than not having an election? You bet."

GOODBYE, KITTY



Sterling
c.1990 - August 27, 2004

The sun burst through in unlooked for directions,
Strong thoughts fill you and confidence, you smile,
You forget you are sick, as I forget you are sick,
You do not see the medicines, you do not mind the weeping friends,
I am with you,
I exclude others from you, there is nothing to be commiserated,
I do not commiserate, I congratulate you.

Walt Whitman

Beloved companion, devoted pet, loving cat-sister.
We will miss you dearly.

TOOK LONGER THAN I THOUGHT, ACTUALLY

It's official. I'm sick of the Olympics. Just in case you were wondering.

TOP TEN REJECTED HOMELAND SECURITY MASCOT IDEAS

10. Survivey the Cockroach

9. Hidey the Turtle

8. Tattletale the Rat

7. Soary the Airborne Surveillance Eagle

6. Convenient the Threat Level Chameleon

5. Halliburty the Ravenous Octopus

4. Oblivikitty

3. Cheney the Chicken Hawk

2. Happy the Non-American Animal

and the Number 1 rejected Homeland Security mascot idea is:

1. Pre-empty the Belligerent Texas Weasel

WE CAN REBUILD HIM
 
Hey, I'm back, again!  This time, I've returned from the land of Myopia.  That's right, I'm no longer nearsighted!  I got the Lasik, and boy have things changed.  Before I was this guy.  Now, I'm this guy.  Oh well.
 
In other news, um...there is no other news. See you the next time I get surgically altered, or when I damn well feel like it.

MIGHT AS WELL

Ok, so I'm standing in line for Spiderman 2 yesterday, and I see a poster for the new movie, "Alien Vs. Predator". So I figure, if you're going to combine two movies, why not go for broke?

WEAK OFF

Hey, I'm back! We took a vacation to the North Shore of Massachusetts. I learned that the Salem witch trials were only historically significant enough to deserve a really, really cheesy memorial. And that a T car can hold a greater population density than the average clown vehicle.

Also, why in the hell is a dancing Uncle Junior the new corporate symbol of Six Flags?

TOP TEN REJECTED NEW NAMES FOR MADONNA

10. Cantactia

9. Omarosa

8. Rumsfeld

7. Osama

6. Skippy

5. Big Pussy

4. Al Roker

3. Rose Marie To Block

2. Apple

And the number one rejected new name for Madonna is:

1. The Inveterate Publicity Hound Formerly Known As Madonna

AMERICA'S LEAST READ BLOG?

A research scientist by the name of Tim Long has determined that El Paso, Texas is America's Sweatiest City.

In related news, Tim Long has been named America's Biggest Fucking Waste Of A College Education.

MAY CAUSE INCREASED PROFITS

The Medicare Discount Drug Card program kicked off today. TCP was all over this, of course. We scraped together a nice contribution to the Bush campaign, which allowed us to join the multitude of companies offering discount drug cards. A sample card appears below.



Sign up today!

AWWWWW...

I won't be going to North Jersey for a week in June after all. I was the only one in my training class who completed the pre-requisite computer-based training, so they postponed it to September. Typical. Oh well. I hear the New York City area in September can be very beautiful! You know, when planes aren't slamming into buildings and causing mass destruction and widespread panic.

STILL ALIVE AS FAR AS I KNOW

Welcome to the continuing summer edition the Project, also known as the "Tim is completely out of things to say now that George Bush is a proven war criminal" edition. I guess I'll have to resort to my own sad personal life. So, any highlights? Well, I'm seriously considering laser eye surgery. I went in for an evaluation, and they put some drops in my eyes that made me feel what it would be like to be $3,000 poorer. That went well. They also made my pupils dilate to the point where I reacted to the sunlight like your average vampire. This only lasted for about, oh, three days and two migraine headaches. I enjoyed that so much I'm going to do it again at another place next week. I think I'm secretly hoping I fail the tests at the second place. Sans glasses, I may not have enough room in my social calendar for this web log, and what a pity that would be.

In June, I'll be heading up to Tony Soprano Land, aka North Jersey. I have some training at a sister refinery for a week. I'll be staying in a lovely establishment in Linden that has a breathtaking view of the famed Newark Airport Aircraft Service Depot. Gotta remember to bring my camera!

Later in June, it's our yearly vacation jaunt. This year, it's Salem, MA. No we're not getting married. For one thing, we're of the opposite sex, and for another thing, we're already married. I mean, if pressed, I could marry Matt Damon if he was in town. He was so adorable in "The Talented Mr. Ripley", albeit a tad homicidal.

In August, I'll be returning to the site of my upbringing in Upstate NY for my niece's wedding. No, she's not gay either. I'm so apolitical when it gets right down to it. After we get back from that, it's off to the Prince concert at the Wachovia Center. We should fit right in that crowd. I hope they don't have a funkiness test at the gate, or at least we can go off to a private room, like they do at the airport. Finally, the summer may or may not conclude with yet another trip to Houston for some more training. Ah, I do love a boondoggle.

After that, I promise, I'll be back and rarin' to go with web log business. Unless the herd takes another direction, of course.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY WERE DATING

As part of the continuing "iPod Comes Alive" Concert Series, my wife and I will be attending the Rosanne Cash show in Princeton, NJ tonight. I have the hots for Rosanne Cash because she kind of looks like my wife. How pathetic is that?

In other news, the Travelocity gnome will be traveling to Provincetown to marry Mr. Clean. Wish them the best!

MPG/TCBY/APR

I was going to drive my car to buy some ice cream, but I couldn't get financing.

AMIS FINIS

I just got done watching the Friends finale. Wow, who'd have guessed Gunther was with Al-Qaeda, and that they were building a nuclear device in the back of Central Perk, and that Joey would unwittingly set it off by calling the wrong number on a cell phone, causing the entire Friends cast to be incinerated at 11,000°F along with the five boroughs of New York and parts of Essex County, NJ, except for Joey, of course, who now has to battle mutants in a post-apocalyptic hell of his own making in the spin-off produced, directed and written by Ridley Scott! Cool!

CHERISH YOUR MEMORIES

The U.S. Army, world leaders in invading foreign countries, toppling statues, and just plain blowing shit up, have moved on to our latest conquest: Photography! For example, if you're getting married soon, Uncle Sam wants you! We can provide your wedding party with the kind of sophisticated, tasteful, and fun photography that the U.S. Army is known for. Just look at some of our past work!




If you want to put that unique Army style into your special day, call 1-800-FOTO-FUN today!

IN AND AROUND THE LAKE

I'm back from Lake Chuck. Lake Charles, Louisiana is like New Orleans, but without the music, the history, the charm, or the devil-may-care ambience, and double the squalor. I stayed at a place called "Best Suites", which referred, one would hope, to its rank among the accommodations of Lake Charles, and not of the larger earth as a whole. One would hope.

The trip was unremarkable, save the slavish devotion to work-related activities amongst my colleagues. They really need to lighten up a bit. If your idea of a good time is listening to a lecture on steam traps at 8 PM while munching on pizza, you'd fit in nicely with this bunch. Of course, if you are such a person, I would have paid you to take my place.

My favorite moment of the week was the giant billboard on I-10 posted by one or another of the casinos honoring local citizens of note. In giant letters, the sign read "Dr. Harry Swindle". Yup, that's just the kind of physician you'd expect a casino to be associated with.

I'M OFF

To no one in particular let me just say that I'll be traveling to Lake Charles, Louisiana for the rest of the week, and I will most likely be unable to edify you with my cogent commentary on the human condition, unless you happen to be standing within earshot, of course. If that should happen to be the case, please buy me a drink.

APROPOS OF NOTHING THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Bisexuality means never having to say you're sorry.

- Anonymous

SUCKER MOM

So I was eating at Subway with my lovely bride this Sunday, and on the outside of the store, there is a poster showing the upper torso and face of an attractive middle-aged woman, leaning back, hands behind her head, with an extremely self-satisfied look, while two boys in the distance kick a soccer ball around. The tag line on the poster is, "Your Dinner Solution" (sadly, Subway has not put this poster on their web site).

From the look on her face, it appears that she is somebody's dinner solution.

APROPOS OF NOTHING THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Today's dogma was yesterday's heresy.

- Me

SIC SAD WORLD^TM*, VOLUME IV

You know the drill. This is from a New York Times article about two huge bridges being built in remote areas of Alaska at the behest of Alaska Republican Representative Don Young.

"I'd like to be a little oinker, myself," Mr. Young told a Republican lunch crowd here, taking mock offense at the suggestion that Ted Stevens, the Alaska Republican who is chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee, directs more pork to their state than he does. "If he's the chief porker, I'm upset."

* Not really trademarked. Kind of like how that White House memo titled "Bin Laden Determined To Strike Inside The United States" is not really about Bin Laden being determined to strike inside the United States. I think it's really about bowling.

IF IT HAPPENS, IT HAPPENS

Phil Mickelson has won the Masters.

That leaves me one closer to the top of the list of the greatest golfers never to win a major. It's only been a few hours and the pressure is getting unbearable. Get off my back, will ya!

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF WAR

Welcome to the Office of Strategic Communications! We're here to tell you what's really going on in Iraq. Don't believe what you read in the papers! Or hear on the radio. Or see on TV. Or what our own soldiers say. It's all a myth! Iraq is doing great. Just read some of our press releases!

"Beautification Plan For Baghdad Ready to Begin"

You now, as soon as we stop getting shot at. It's going to be great! We're talking topiary in the shape of George W. Bush (in his flight suit), painting over the anti-American graffiti with murals of Jesus, and our patented "Bomb Crater Floral Bonanza" program.

"The Reality is like Nothing You See on Television"

On American TV anyway. The real reality is much more real than that fake reality on CNN. We have reality up to our night vision goggles in the new Iraq, and we're just getting started. Here's a lineup of the great new reality shows we'll be dishing up on Iraqi TV:

- "The Baghdad Bachelor" Twenty-five ladies in burqas compete for the hand of a lucky Iraqi hunk. Little does he know, but one of them is "Touched By An Angel" star Roma Downey! Will he get lucky? Find out!

- "Fear Factor: Iraq" Watch as contestants navigate mine fields, wear bikinis in a mosque, and eat prop turkey meat!

- "The Apprentice Lobbyist" Twelve contestants vie to be the Ahmed Chalabi's information funnel to the Pentagon. Look for Chalabi's signature phrase when one of the contestants is booted out: "I will kill you now!"

"Optimists Club Organizes Baghdad Chapter"

Sure, their main objective is for Baghdad to avoid being reduced to cinders in a bloody and protracted civil war, but it's a start! Look for the student essay contest entitled, "What A Free Iraq Means To Me". Essays will be judged by Deputy Secretary of State Paul Wolfowitz on grammar, spelling, and overall implausability.

So, as you can see, we're doing great things in Iraq. Why would we lie?

HALLELUJAH, INC.

Jennifer Lopez's mother has won $2.4 million at the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City. "It was God's will," said Mrs. Lopez.

In related news, God is now the Boyd Gaming Corporation, owner of the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City.

NYUCK NYUCK NYUCK

Al Franken kicked off the liberal Air America Radio today. Reuters thought so highly of the story, they put their best man on it:



(As a side note, they mentioned in the story that Al Gore called in. As fellow fans of Harry Shearer's "Le Show" could understand, I'm dying to get a hold of an mp3 or a Real audio link of that exchange. If you're one of the 7 people who read this and who happen to have such a thing, please e-mail it to me.)

IF A BLOG HAS NO ENTRIES AND NO ONE READS IT, IS IT STILL A BLOG?

I've either been busy or apathetic for most of the last five days, hence the empty space where posts should be. I am neither apologizing for nor rationalizing my lack of attention to this web log. There's plenty of other stuff to read, you know, and this shit sucks anyway.

But, now that I have a few moments, I thought I'd pass on to the people who are looking for information about how to make a crossbow, Karen Grassle nude, Bitty Schram nude, or a recent favorite, "republican dominic weather", what exactly I've been doing the last five days, and the fabulous things I have coming up.

- Friday, I figured out how to get my computer-based training to work, which was a mixed blessing. I'm learning how to be a Six Sigma Green Belt. Yes, I know, it sounds exciting, like something Uma Thurman might find handy in "Kill Bill 2". Actually, with Six Sigma, all Uma could do is maybe improve her ability to kill enormous numbers of people by a few percent, since she's already achieved what we Green Belts like to call "high process capability".

- Saturday, I can't remember. Some boring stuff my wife dragged me to.

- Sunday, ditto.

- Monday, more CBT. I'm also working on putting together some highly dubious numbers for a conference I'm attending in late April. It's giving me great respect for Bush's budget team. Highly dubious numbers are harder to arrive at than one would think.

- Tuesday, CBT again, and I'm trying to back up a PC that runs Windows NT but is not networked. I've also got a laptop, which runs XP, and a CD burner, which has a USB interface, but the CD burner won't plug into the PC I'm trying to back up because NT doesn't do USB, and the laptop needs to have administrator privileges, which I don't have, in order to set a connection with the NT PC. This is so typical of my life.

- Upcoming: well, I'm going to that conference in Louisiana in a few weeks, and I'm heading up to Northern NJ for a week in June for more Green Belt training. After that, we're vacationing in Salem, MA because my wife has a witch fixation. I wrangled some Red Sox tickets for the trip, because I have a perpetual loser fixation. Then we're going to see Prince at the Wachovia Center in August, because...well, he's playing there (were he hosting a Jehovah's Witness convention, we probably would not attend). Somewhere in there a few times we plan to go "down the shore", as they say around here because of inadequate grammar instruction. A full summer of really lame activities awaits! Now you know why I mostly write dumb political and pop culture jokes in here. And why nobody reads this.

GOOD WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT

Amhed Chalabi, leader of the anti-Saddam lobbying group known as the Iraqi National Congress and member of the Iraqi Governing Council, was profiled today in the NY Times.

It's a two-pager, but somewhere on the second page, the Times conveys this rather startling fact:

"Nevertheless, the Department of Defense continues to pay his organization $340,000 a month to gather intelligence in Iraq. "

Let's see...Chalabi feeds the Pentagon a bunch of lies, and gets, um, doing the math here...carry the one...two and half shitloads of money. Hey, I can do that! Finally, my ticket to the good life. Hey, Rummy, try this on for size:

- Osama Bin Laden was staying in my basement. He took off and said he was heading to San Antonio for the Final Four, though, so you just missed him.

- Um, there's like a bunch of guys with heavy guns and rockets and bombs and stuff, like, in Najaf, or Umm Qasr, or Ramalamadingdong, or some place. And they look pissed.

- That guy you caught in the spider hole was a double. Saddam is hanging out with Martha Stewart in the Hamptons, planning an extremely tasteful yet vicious revolt.

So, Pentagon brass, what do you say? I'm thinking a quarter of a mil for all three pieces of intelligence, or $100,000 sold separately. And I'll take one those Comanche helicopters off your hands, while we're at it. I need to cut my commute time.

POETIC (DRIVERS) LICENSE

I think that I shall never see
A service area as lovely as thee.

(I took a run up the NJ Turnpike for work yesterday, and ate a Double Whopper there.)

RELEASE THE HOUNDS

Former terrorist czar Richard Clarke went on "60 Minutes" last night to claim that President Bush has done "a terrible job" fighting terrorism. In response, the White House trotted out National Security Adviser Condi Rice this morning on "Good Morning America", "Today", and "The Early Show" and possibly "Romper Room" for all we know to refute the charges. Among other things, she noted that Clarke, who at the time was the leading anti-terrorist expert at the White House, "wasn't involved in most of the meetings of the administration." Touché, Dick!

Anyway, Condi's whirlwind tour of the Diane & Charlie/Katie & Matt/Some Guy & A Random Blonde Chick triumvirate is only the beginning of the balls-out assault by the Bush Administration and its well-funded character evisceration apparatus. Here's a preview of some of the charges the Bushies will be leveling at Mr. Clarke:

- Performed a gay marriage ceremony between Richard Gere and a guinea pig.

- Was seen laughing hysterically at "The Passion Of The Christ".

- Trades abortion videos on Kazaa.

- Named illegimate son with Jane Fonda after Osama Bin Laden.

- Once burned a flag by striking a match on a broken chunk of the Alabama Ten Commandments monument.

- Had anal sex with a welfare mother while simultaneoulsy smoking crack and shooting up heroin at a Kim Jong Il Fan Club meeting on national broadcast television.

- Is actually the former host of American Bandstand without hair dye:



Oooh. That last one might stick.

TOP TEN THINGS THE CITY OF PHILADELPHIA WILL MISS NOW THAT "THE REAL WORLD" HAS LEFT

10. More appearances by the giant inflatable rat. He's so cute!

9. Some black guy getting tossed out of the house on his ass.

8. Seven young, highly motivated uh, advertising...or possibly fashion...or something...interns.

7. Lucrative revenue stream from hot tub cleaning and supplies.

6. Lucrative revenue stream from bail bondsmen and process servers.

5. Roommates' constant complaints about the smell.

4. Gripping video of Caleb from Arkansas eating his first cheese steak.

3. Some serious sex with roommates' visiting girlfriends/boyfriends.

2. Guest star Jack Osborne pissing on the Liberty Bell.

And the number one thing the City of Philadelphia will miss now that "The Real World" has left is:

1. "Total Request Live" from Independence Hall!

THE WEARIN' O' THE PUKE

It's St. Patrick's Day. I wonder, do full-time alcoholics get defensive on St. Patrick's Day? I mean, do they sit around saying, "Where the hell are you people the rest of the year? Welcome to my world! Have fun with that hangover tomorrow, you lousy solid citizens!" Or are they pretty much the only ones who are getting drunk today just like every other day?

OH GOD

According to the NY Times, Hollywood executives are rethinking faith films in light of the success of Mel Gibson's "The Passion Of The Christ".

Some movies in the pipeline include:

"David" by Jerry Bruckheimer Productions. Goliath gives him all he can handle, until David kicks some Philistine ass! Starring Colin Farrell.

"Sodom and Gomorrah", by Paul Verhoeven. They don't call it "sodomy" for nothing! Starring Sharon Stone, Elizabeth Berkley, and Mr. T.

"Genesis: The Trilogy", from the Wachowski Brothers. Keanu Reeves is Adam, leader of a new race in a new world. But is it real? After watching all three films, you may still not know. Also starring Carrie-Ann Moss as Eve.

"Jonah", by The Farrelly Brothers. Living inside a whale is even more disgusting (and hilarious) than it sounds! With Jim Carrey and David Spade as the voice of the whale.

"Teen Jesus", from the makers of the "American Pie" series. Jesus tries to get into a good carpentry school with the help of the irrepressible Judas and a cast of wacky teen apostles! Topher Grace is the Messiah, and Jack Black is his wisecracking betrayor-to-be.

NEVER MIND

I'm not doing the stupid lame Sopranos bit this week or ever again. I've got absolutely nothing, and there's no point in trying to force it. I rarely watch TV aside from HBO any more, and it's very hard to make fun of something you don't watch. That was the whole point of this bit, in case you didn't get it. The Sopranos is actually a good show, and nearly everything else on TV is crap. So, I created this scenario of what the Sopranos would be if it was on any other channel, which basically amounts to that it would also be crap. It's kind of an obvious point, and I no longer feel compelled to make it.

Other than that, I have nothing to say. Here's a joke from last year at about this time that still holds up pretty well.

HOW TOUCHING...



Create your own Bush/Cheney poster here! (Use the "city" field to create your own message.)

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "THE SOPRANOS" HAD HBO MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK

I can't believe I'm doing this pathetic bit again. Oh well, here we go for season 5. I gotta write something in this thing.

This week's network is NBC.

SCENE: Carmella sends A.J. on an errand, and a bear appears in the back yard.

EXTRA SCENE: "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" drops in to give A.J. a makeover, but after watching him repeatedly scream, "Mommy", they decide their work is done.

SCENE: Carmine has a stroke and nearly chokes on his egg salad.

EXTRA SCENE: The "Fear Factor" final challenge is to give Carmine mouth-to-mouth, and then eat the egg salad.

SCENE: Feech La Manna asks Tony if he can "get back in the game".

EXTRA SCENE: To everyone's surprise, the game is "The Apprentice". Donald Trump immediately appoints Feech to Project Manager of Versacorp over the protests of Nick, whose lifeless body is later found in a dumpster on 7th Avenue.

SCENE: Paulie Walnuts shoots a waiter who is having an epilectic seizure after the waiter complained about not getting a tip and Christopher beaned him with a rock.

EXTRA SCENE: The "ER" gang medi-vacs in and stabilizes the waiter, but only after smolderingly sexy Dr. Luka Kovac finally decides which hot County General chick to bang steady.

SCENE: Dr. Melfi rejects Tony's advances after Tony confronts her in her office.

EXTRA SCENE: Phoebe sets up Tony with Rachel, Ross gets jealous, and hilarity (and high-caliber weaponry) ensues. So much for a Ross spin-off!

MAKING THE GRADE

The NCAA released documents today listing some of the test questions from Georgia assistant men's basketball coach Jim Harrick, Jr.'s class, Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball. Among the questions were, "How many points is a 3-pointer worth?"

Now some may say these questions were a bit on the easy side, but TCP would beg to differ. I mean, at least these questions involved some math. The crack research staff here at the Project sifted through some of the hundreds of documents that the NCAA discarded during this investigation, and we were able to locate some questions that Harrick decided not to use because even he thought they were too easy for the average college basketball player. Here are a few:

#34. You're on a recruiting trip, and the upperclassman assigned to you has passed out, leaving you alone with two hotties who are trying to get you to play strip poker. Do you:

a. Notify the nearest Resident Advisor of your predicament, and call the NCAA ethics hotline when you get home.
b. Attempt to wake up your Upperclassman, and politely tell the hotties to leave.
c. Never try to draw to an inside straight, especially if one or both of the hotties is only wearing her underwear.

#42. One of your teammates has apparently shot and killed another one of your teammates, and your coach is trying to get you to tell the investigating committee that the teammate who was killed was a drug dealer in order to cover up the fact that he, you, and several other of your teammates have been receiving illegal payments. You should:

a. Notify the NCAA ethics hotline immediately.
b. Refuse to spread the falsehoods and promptly alert the authorities.
c. Transfer to another school, claiming hardship so you don't have to skip a year, and blab everything to ESPN.

#67. Your school has been cited for numerous recruiting violations, some involving you. Your coach has given you the option to play out the season, or forfeit the remaining games. You should:

a. Suck it up and play. You caused some of these problems, and you should bear some of the responsibility. The fans expect and deserve for you to play.
b. Play the games, but as soon as possible come clean to the NCAA over all possible recruiting violations you've been involved in.
c. Spring Break, Cancun style! Kick it, baby!

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL...ESPECIALLY AMONG CELEBRITY PORN ADDICTS

Jeez, if Bitty Schram or Karen Grassle ever do a nude pictorial, no one will ever stumble on this site.

But, until then, I just got about 10 or twenty more hits!

BE REALLY PREPARED

The White House announced yesterday that they would be bringing the Boy and Girl Scouts back to Iraq.

Of course, the merit badge system will be slightly different than the U.S. Here is a brief list of U.S. Merit badges (courtesy of USScouts.org) and their Iraqi equivalent:

U.S.	IRAQ
Archaeology	Looting
Atomic Energy	Procuring Yellowcake
Aviation	Box Cutter Concealment
Communications	Al-Jazeera Downlink
Energy	Oil Company Kickbacks
Genealogy	Avenging Ancient Wrongs
Landscape Architecture	Landmine Deployment
Law	Creative Punishment
Plumbing	N/A
Public Speaking	Incitement
Rifle Shooting	Shoulder Fired Missile Launching
Truck Transportation	Truck Detonation

DATABASE POTATO



Well, I'm pretty sure I exist, so it must be that going to the gym only a few times a week isn't cutting it...

ON GOLDEN MAN

Yeah, you know it, I stayed up and watched the whole freakin' Oscar telecast last night. And oh yeah, you really know it, I am compelled to write about it, because no one ever writes about the Oscars in their web log. A few thoughts:

- All the Hollywoodlians are now officially and completely under the collective thumb of their Conservative corporate masters again, if they ever weren't. You could almost tell from Tim Robbins' facial expression he was thinking, "Oh fuck George Bush and his illegal war, somebody go and get me a triple foam Starbucks latte, and make it snappy!"

- Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Billy Boyd, and Dominick Monaghan...REALLY ARE HOBBITS!

- Billy Crystal is slowly morphing into Buddy Young before our very eyes.

- Even a parody of Robin Williams' act isn't funny any more.

- Nice job of calling Academy President Frank Pierson "a weapon of mass sleep-induction" before Frank came out and paid tribute to Gregory Peck in front of Peck's family. Was that Bruce Vilanch's idea? Off with his comically hirsute excuse for a head!

- Clint Eastwood brought his mom. I'll just let that one sink in.

- Nobody ever thanked the sheep of New Zealand. And since LOTR was a long, torturous shoot populated mainly by very ugly men, I'm sure they played a vital role in the well-being of the cast and crew. Especially Elijah Wood, but I'm only speculating.

- To Catherine Zeta-Jones/Charlize Theron/Julia Roberts/Angelina Jolie/Nicole Kidman/Renee Zellweger/Naomi Watts/Samantha Morton/Susan Sarandon/Julianne Moore/Scarlett Johannson/Holly Hunter/Jennifer Garner/Diane Lane/Sandra Bullock/Marcia Gay Harden (special hormone-enhanced edition)/hell, even Oprah:

Nice rack!

As for Uma Thurman, the Latvian Folk Festival is over that a way. Reowr!

- Sorry, Steven Cojocaru just inhabited my brain for a few seconds there. And we all know how painful that can be.

- I think Lord Of The Rings was robbed in the Foreign Language Film category. That Elvish sounded pretty damned foreign to me. Well, the whole script did, frankly, but that's only because I've been laid.

- Is it over yet? Ha ha, gotta insert that lame hack joke about the Oscars going on forever. Actually they got it in well under four hours this year, mainly because of more efficient Oscar-handing-out techniques developed by the crack Academy R&D team which consisted of handing out Oscars to the same people over and over. Look for the same technique next year for "The Passion Of The Christ" (See Item #1).

- "There may come a day when the strength of men fails; when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship...but that is not this day...On this day...we meet at the Hollywood American Legion Hall in costume and get fucking blitzed!!! Well, you know, maybe drink some mulled cider or some non-alcoholic mead. Really, I can't stay too late. I gotta get back and help my Mom with the laundry."