ON GOLDEN MAN
Yeah, you know it, I stayed up and watched the whole freakin' Oscar telecast last night. And oh yeah, you really know it, I am compelled to write about it, because no one ever writes about the Oscars in their web log. A few thoughts:
- All the Hollywoodlians are now officially and completely under the collective thumb of their Conservative corporate masters again, if they ever weren't. You could almost tell from Tim Robbins' facial expression he was thinking, "Oh fuck George Bush and his illegal war, somebody go and get me a triple foam Starbucks latte, and make it snappy!"
- Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Billy Boyd, and Dominick Monaghan...REALLY ARE HOBBITS!
- Billy Crystal is slowly morphing into Buddy Young before our very eyes.
- Even a parody of Robin Williams' act isn't funny any more.
- Nice job of calling Academy President Frank Pierson "a weapon of mass sleep-induction" before Frank came out and paid tribute to Gregory Peck in front of Peck's family. Was that Bruce Vilanch's idea? Off with his comically hirsute excuse for a head!
- Clint Eastwood brought his mom. I'll just let that one sink in.
- Nobody ever thanked the sheep of New Zealand. And since LOTR was a long, torturous shoot populated mainly by very ugly men, I'm sure they played a vital role in the well-being of the cast and crew. Especially Elijah Wood, but I'm only speculating.
- To Catherine Zeta-Jones/Charlize Theron/Julia Roberts/Angelina Jolie/Nicole Kidman/Renee Zellweger/Naomi Watts/Samantha Morton/Susan Sarandon/Julianne Moore/Scarlett Johannson/Holly Hunter/Jennifer Garner/Diane Lane/Sandra Bullock/Marcia Gay Harden (special hormone-enhanced edition)/hell, even Oprah:
Nice rack!
As for Uma Thurman, the Latvian Folk Festival is over that a way. Reowr!
- Sorry, Steven Cojocaru just inhabited my brain for a few seconds there. And we all know how painful that can be.
- I think Lord Of The Rings was robbed in the Foreign Language Film category. That Elvish sounded pretty damned foreign to me. Well, the whole script did, frankly, but that's only because I've been laid.
- Is it over yet? Ha ha, gotta insert that lame hack joke about the Oscars going on forever. Actually they got it in well under four hours this year, mainly because of more efficient Oscar-handing-out techniques developed by the crack Academy R&D team which consisted of handing out Oscars to the same people over and over. Look for the same technique next year for "The Passion Of The Christ" (See Item #1).
- "There may come a day when the strength of men fails; when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship...but that is not this day...On this day...we meet at the Hollywood American Legion Hall in costume and get fucking blitzed!!! Well, you know, maybe drink some mulled cider or some non-alcoholic mead. Really, I can't stay too late. I gotta get back and help my Mom with the laundry."
Friday, February 27, 2004
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
A LITTLE TOO HIGH
Yes, folks, today Comcast came out and officially ferried me across the digital TV divide! I am now the proud watcher of High Definition Television. It went pretty well, aside from the fact they unnecessarily unhooked my DVD player, couldn't figure out what channel the High-Def signal was coming in on the receiver, which caused them to tell my wife it was broken and they would be back "later", forcing her to sit at home waiting for them when it was actually working fine, and left me the new multi-function cable box remote without any codes to program my other devices, but hey, you can do that when you're a monopoly that is threatening to buy pretty much every entertainment company in the known universe, and is hosting this web site, so I must now shut up. That sentence was too long anyway.
Anyway, the picture is great. I must say, you haven't lived until you've seen Oprah's acne scars!
Yes, folks, today Comcast came out and officially ferried me across the digital TV divide! I am now the proud watcher of High Definition Television. It went pretty well, aside from the fact they unnecessarily unhooked my DVD player, couldn't figure out what channel the High-Def signal was coming in on the receiver, which caused them to tell my wife it was broken and they would be back "later", forcing her to sit at home waiting for them when it was actually working fine, and left me the new multi-function cable box remote without any codes to program my other devices, but hey, you can do that when you're a monopoly that is threatening to buy pretty much every entertainment company in the known universe, and is hosting this web site, so I must now shut up. That sentence was too long anyway.
Anyway, the picture is great. I must say, you haven't lived until you've seen Oprah's acne scars!
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
HOT FOR TEACHER
In a coordinated effort between several agencies of the US Government, thousands of schoolteachers are being arrested and sent to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay after Secretary of Education Rod Paige referred to them as terrorists.
"We're taking this very seriously," said Attorney General John Ashcroft at a joint news conference today with Secretary of Homeland Defense Tom Ridge. "One of our fellow cabinet members has made a determination, and the Justice Department is moving swiftly and with all available resources to apprehend the enemy combatants and remove them from the theater of battle, er, classroom."
Reports are streaming in from all over the nation that US Marshals, DEA agents, Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms personnel, and even county Sherrifs and local law enforcement are being pressed into service to arrest and detain the educators. "Yeah, man, it was really cool," said 9th grader Sean Garrity of Lincoln High School in Wilmette, IL. "We were, like, sitting there doing our, like, practice standardized tests, and then these dudes with, like, yellow 'DEA' jackets come busting in and grab Mr. Harris. He's like, 'What the f***!', and the dudes go, 'Hit the floor and put your hands behind your head, you terrorist!' We were all, like, tripping out at first, and then after they took him away, we were like, yeah, party dude!"
Homeland Secretary Ridge has raised the national threat level from Yellow, or Elevated to Orange, or High, until the last of the teachers can be taken into custody, which could take weeks according to a spokeman. In the meantime, volunteers from the President's Council On Faith Based Initiatives will be filling in for the detainees, according to the Bush Administration. President Bush told a group of reporters, "It's time our children was taught to learn some values the right way, and these people is just the group to do it."
In a coordinated effort between several agencies of the US Government, thousands of schoolteachers are being arrested and sent to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay after Secretary of Education Rod Paige referred to them as terrorists.
"We're taking this very seriously," said Attorney General John Ashcroft at a joint news conference today with Secretary of Homeland Defense Tom Ridge. "One of our fellow cabinet members has made a determination, and the Justice Department is moving swiftly and with all available resources to apprehend the enemy combatants and remove them from the theater of battle, er, classroom."
Reports are streaming in from all over the nation that US Marshals, DEA agents, Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms personnel, and even county Sherrifs and local law enforcement are being pressed into service to arrest and detain the educators. "Yeah, man, it was really cool," said 9th grader Sean Garrity of Lincoln High School in Wilmette, IL. "We were, like, sitting there doing our, like, practice standardized tests, and then these dudes with, like, yellow 'DEA' jackets come busting in and grab Mr. Harris. He's like, 'What the f***!', and the dudes go, 'Hit the floor and put your hands behind your head, you terrorist!' We were all, like, tripping out at first, and then after they took him away, we were like, yeah, party dude!"
Homeland Secretary Ridge has raised the national threat level from Yellow, or Elevated to Orange, or High, until the last of the teachers can be taken into custody, which could take weeks according to a spokeman. In the meantime, volunteers from the President's Council On Faith Based Initiatives will be filling in for the detainees, according to the Bush Administration. President Bush told a group of reporters, "It's time our children was taught to learn some values the right way, and these people is just the group to do it."
Sunday, February 22, 2004
HE'S OUR MAN
Every village has to have its idiot, and Preston Lit is Philadelphia's. It's a pretty impressive honor to be the village idiot of the nation's fifth largest city, so let's see what Mr. Lit has done to deserve it.
- In 1996, he harrassed a male news reporter for the local NBC affiliate who he was in love with and thought was Jesus, and led police on a 120-mile high speed chase.
- Placed a fake bomb in a mailbox in 2002.
- Barked like a dog and turned over a table during court proceedings after that arrest.
- Missed his parole hearing last month, then dumped trash all over his yard.
- Placed a fake bomb in a mailbox in Northeast Philadelphia last week.
- Left several suspicious packages at the Philadelphia International Airport last week.
- Checked into a hotel room last night and sprayed grafitti all over the walls and left a package for Al-Qaeda.
The FBI and the Philadelphia Police Department, seemingly more amused than alarmed, have not yet apprehended Mr. Lit, and he remains on the loose, both literally and figuratively. So if you see any stark raving lunatics carrying paper bags and muttering religious-themed love sonnets to Steve Levy, please return him to Philadelphia. We need our idiot back. Oh, we have several other candidates ready to step in, but it just wouldn't be the same without Preston. Thanks.
Every village has to have its idiot, and Preston Lit is Philadelphia's. It's a pretty impressive honor to be the village idiot of the nation's fifth largest city, so let's see what Mr. Lit has done to deserve it.
- In 1996, he harrassed a male news reporter for the local NBC affiliate who he was in love with and thought was Jesus, and led police on a 120-mile high speed chase.
- Placed a fake bomb in a mailbox in 2002.
- Barked like a dog and turned over a table during court proceedings after that arrest.
- Missed his parole hearing last month, then dumped trash all over his yard.
- Placed a fake bomb in a mailbox in Northeast Philadelphia last week.
- Left several suspicious packages at the Philadelphia International Airport last week.
- Checked into a hotel room last night and sprayed grafitti all over the walls and left a package for Al-Qaeda.
The FBI and the Philadelphia Police Department, seemingly more amused than alarmed, have not yet apprehended Mr. Lit, and he remains on the loose, both literally and figuratively. So if you see any stark raving lunatics carrying paper bags and muttering religious-themed love sonnets to Steve Levy, please return him to Philadelphia. We need our idiot back. Oh, we have several other candidates ready to step in, but it just wouldn't be the same without Preston. Thanks.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
BABY YOU CAN BUY MY LUNCH
Today I'll be celebrating my third consecutive provided-for lunch. I'm not calling it a "free lunch", because we all know there is no such thing. For these lunches, for example, I've had to endure three days of training. But there are lunches where you don't have to actually buy the food at the grocery store, prepare it, pack it, carry it, stuff it in the refrigerator in the industrially-appointed kitchen area, then at Noon go stand in front of the microwave praying that you don't have to be forced to interact with your co-workers while it heats up, and then eat it by attacking a gooey, rubbery mess inside of a Ziploc container, and then go back to the kitchen area to clean the dishes, while once again hoping not to have to make small talk.
No, these lunches involve getting in a car and leaving the workplace, sitting down at a restaurant and being served a meal cooked by a professional, having a fine conversation with people in your particular field of endeavor who have traveled long distances to be there, eating the meal, watching as one of the intrepid travelers pays for it on a company card, and then leaving the restaurant with a fine mint, perhaps, arriving back at work several minutes if not hours past the usual lunch-ending time. These lunches are those type of lunches. I like those type of lunches. And today is my third straight day of having one. Hurray!
Today I'll be celebrating my third consecutive provided-for lunch. I'm not calling it a "free lunch", because we all know there is no such thing. For these lunches, for example, I've had to endure three days of training. But there are lunches where you don't have to actually buy the food at the grocery store, prepare it, pack it, carry it, stuff it in the refrigerator in the industrially-appointed kitchen area, then at Noon go stand in front of the microwave praying that you don't have to be forced to interact with your co-workers while it heats up, and then eat it by attacking a gooey, rubbery mess inside of a Ziploc container, and then go back to the kitchen area to clean the dishes, while once again hoping not to have to make small talk.
No, these lunches involve getting in a car and leaving the workplace, sitting down at a restaurant and being served a meal cooked by a professional, having a fine conversation with people in your particular field of endeavor who have traveled long distances to be there, eating the meal, watching as one of the intrepid travelers pays for it on a company card, and then leaving the restaurant with a fine mint, perhaps, arriving back at work several minutes if not hours past the usual lunch-ending time. These lunches are those type of lunches. I like those type of lunches. And today is my third straight day of having one. Hurray!
Monday, February 16, 2004
BRONX CHEER
Removing the last obstacle for the New York Yankees' pending acquisition of slugger Alex Rodriguez, Major League Baseball has OK'd the trade, and in a related move, declared the Bronx Bombers to be World Series Champions for 2004.
Baseball Commissioner Allen H. "Bud" Selig presented the championship trophy to an elated George Steinbrenner in a brief ceremony at his office in Tampa, where the Yankees were to start Spring Training this week. "This is great!" said Steinbrenner. "We earned it, let me tell you. I want to thank the Commissioner, my General Manager Brian Cashman, and of course, Alex Rodriguez, for making this possible. Oh, yeah, and all the fans who pay me to get the YES Network on their cable boxes. This one's for them!"
Rodriguez, known popularly as A-Rod, would have played third base for the Yankees this season had there been one. "I'm just glad the Commissioner saw the light and decided to just give us a ring," said Rodriguez. "This sure beats playing a long hot season in Texas!"
At a press conference following the trophy presentation, Selig told a group of reporters, "It seemed like the right thing to do given the circumstances. I'd hate to see a bunch of guys get injured, operated on, experience the bitter taste of failure, what have you, all trying to do the impossible. Sure, some of the other teams will take a financial hit, but it just goes to show you how bad we need revenue sharing in baseball."
The Major League Baseball Players Association was consulted before the trade and the handing of the title to the Yankees, and gave their blessing. "As long as our guys get paid, it's no skin off our nose," said Union Director and General Counsel Donald Fehr.
The Yankees announced a ticker tape parade through Manhattan to begin at 1:00 PM tomorow to celebrate their 27th World Championship. Boston Red Sox fans were distraught as usual. "The Curse strikes again," moaned long-time Sox booster Dan O'Shaugnessy of South Boston. "We almost got A-Rod. If only we had $254 million, this could have been our year."
Removing the last obstacle for the New York Yankees' pending acquisition of slugger Alex Rodriguez, Major League Baseball has OK'd the trade, and in a related move, declared the Bronx Bombers to be World Series Champions for 2004.
Baseball Commissioner Allen H. "Bud" Selig presented the championship trophy to an elated George Steinbrenner in a brief ceremony at his office in Tampa, where the Yankees were to start Spring Training this week. "This is great!" said Steinbrenner. "We earned it, let me tell you. I want to thank the Commissioner, my General Manager Brian Cashman, and of course, Alex Rodriguez, for making this possible. Oh, yeah, and all the fans who pay me to get the YES Network on their cable boxes. This one's for them!"
Rodriguez, known popularly as A-Rod, would have played third base for the Yankees this season had there been one. "I'm just glad the Commissioner saw the light and decided to just give us a ring," said Rodriguez. "This sure beats playing a long hot season in Texas!"
At a press conference following the trophy presentation, Selig told a group of reporters, "It seemed like the right thing to do given the circumstances. I'd hate to see a bunch of guys get injured, operated on, experience the bitter taste of failure, what have you, all trying to do the impossible. Sure, some of the other teams will take a financial hit, but it just goes to show you how bad we need revenue sharing in baseball."
The Major League Baseball Players Association was consulted before the trade and the handing of the title to the Yankees, and gave their blessing. "As long as our guys get paid, it's no skin off our nose," said Union Director and General Counsel Donald Fehr.
The Yankees announced a ticker tape parade through Manhattan to begin at 1:00 PM tomorow to celebrate their 27th World Championship. Boston Red Sox fans were distraught as usual. "The Curse strikes again," moaned long-time Sox booster Dan O'Shaugnessy of South Boston. "We almost got A-Rod. If only we had $254 million, this could have been our year."
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
NOW SHOWING ON THE BIOGRAPHY CHANNEL, "HUCKLEBERRY FINN"
The Sci-Fi Channel has a reality show. Isn't the "Fi" part short for "fiction"? Oh, right, it's a reality TV show.
The Sci-Fi Channel has a reality show. Isn't the "Fi" part short for "fiction"? Oh, right, it's a reality TV show.
Monday, February 09, 2004
Friday, February 06, 2004
YOUTH HOSTILE
Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett won his first court battle to play in the NFL prior to the league-mandated three years after his high school class graduated. U.S. District Judge Shira Scheindlin found the NFL's eligibility rule violates anti-trust laws.
After the ruling, the San Diego Chargers announced that with the first pick in the 2004 NFL Draft, they would be selecting Michelle Wie.
Teenagers in the NFL...does that mean that every player will have a cell phone on the field?
Pretty soon the players will be so young, NFL training camps will have Indian names, be located near lakes, and every year they'll hold an "Arts and Crafts Day".
Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett won his first court battle to play in the NFL prior to the league-mandated three years after his high school class graduated. U.S. District Judge Shira Scheindlin found the NFL's eligibility rule violates anti-trust laws.
After the ruling, the San Diego Chargers announced that with the first pick in the 2004 NFL Draft, they would be selecting Michelle Wie.
Teenagers in the NFL...does that mean that every player will have a cell phone on the field?
Pretty soon the players will be so young, NFL training camps will have Indian names, be located near lakes, and every year they'll hold an "Arts and Crafts Day".
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
SIC SAD WORLDTM*, VOLUME III
I apologize for posting more blogorrhea about Janet Jackson, but I couldn't help myself.
As you recall, SIC SAD WORLDTM is a feature where we take quotes from the web and post them "as found", or "sic", without further embellishment, because none is needed.
Today's installment is from Reuters:
Federal Communications Commission regulators launched an investigation amid calls for the government to take a tougher stance on regulating indecency on television.
"There's now going to be an FCC investigation into the nipple," (MTV Chief Executive Tom) Freston told reporters at a news conference.
I apologize for posting more blogorrhea about Janet Jackson, but I couldn't help myself.
As you recall, SIC SAD WORLDTM is a feature where we take quotes from the web and post them "as found", or "sic", without further embellishment, because none is needed.
Today's installment is from Reuters:
Federal Communications Commission regulators launched an investigation amid calls for the government to take a tougher stance on regulating indecency on television.
"There's now going to be an FCC investigation into the nipple," (MTV Chief Executive Tom) Freston told reporters at a news conference.
CLOSE ENOUGH FOR, WELL YOU GET THE IDEA
The 2004 Annual TCP Budget, as prepared by White House Budget Director Joshua B. Bolten (it's a little known fact that he moonlights as a web log budget director), is out. Here are the highlights:
EXPENSES
Internet Access..........................................................................$0.11
Domain Hosting..........................................................................$0.14
Talent.........................................................................................$0.00*
Total...........................................................................................$0.05
INCOME
Honoraria from think tanks..........................................................$587,000
MacArthur Genius Grants.............................................................$1,000,000
Nobel Prizes................................................................................$5,000,000
Spontaneous contributions by grateful readers..........................$23,675,753,000
Total.............................................................................................$900,000,000,000
Which should leave us about $899,999,999,999.95 in the black. I think somebody is headed to the boat show!
UPDATE: It looks like Josh might have forgotten to carry the 1 somewhere in there, or he may have possibly missed that supplemental request we'll be making after the November election to pay for a weekend in Vegas, because now he's saying there will be a projected deficit of $500,000,000,000. Oh well, easy come, easy go.
* I think he might actually be right about that one.
The 2004 Annual TCP Budget, as prepared by White House Budget Director Joshua B. Bolten (it's a little known fact that he moonlights as a web log budget director), is out. Here are the highlights:
EXPENSES
Internet Access..........................................................................$0.11
Domain Hosting..........................................................................$0.14
Talent.........................................................................................$0.00*
Total...........................................................................................$0.05
INCOME
Honoraria from think tanks..........................................................$587,000
MacArthur Genius Grants.............................................................$1,000,000
Nobel Prizes................................................................................$5,000,000
Spontaneous contributions by grateful readers..........................$23,675,753,000
Total.............................................................................................$900,000,000,000
Which should leave us about $899,999,999,999.95 in the black. I think somebody is headed to the boat show!
UPDATE: It looks like Josh might have forgotten to carry the 1 somewhere in there, or he may have possibly missed that supplemental request we'll be making after the November election to pay for a weekend in Vegas, because now he's saying there will be a projected deficit of $500,000,000,000. Oh well, easy come, easy go.
* I think he might actually be right about that one.
Monday, February 02, 2004
WEAPON OF MAMMARY DESTRUCTION
The U.S. Government mobilized today against a new, unexpected threat to national security: Janet Jackson's right breast.
"This time, we have conclusive photographic evidence," said Secretary of State Colin Powell before a special U.N. tribunal. "Clearly, Miss Jackson has been hiding active lactation munitions bunkers on her person, and thanks to Special Weapons Inspector Justin Timberlake from the N.S.Y.N.C., one of these chemical weapons stockpiles have been revealed. We must not shrink from whatever is ahead of us. I know that I certainly won't."
In a briefing with reporters at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld noted simply, "Goodness gracious, golly, and my stars."
French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin repudiated the Bush Administation's stance on the imminent threat in a press conference, saying, "What is the big deal? It's only a booby. We show that much in commercials."
A weapons inspections team is being hastily deployed to Houston to examine the newly uncovered evidence. A Pentagon spokesman said there were no shortage of volunteers for the mission.
The U.S. Government mobilized today against a new, unexpected threat to national security: Janet Jackson's right breast.
"This time, we have conclusive photographic evidence," said Secretary of State Colin Powell before a special U.N. tribunal. "Clearly, Miss Jackson has been hiding active lactation munitions bunkers on her person, and thanks to Special Weapons Inspector Justin Timberlake from the N.S.Y.N.C., one of these chemical weapons stockpiles have been revealed. We must not shrink from whatever is ahead of us. I know that I certainly won't."
In a briefing with reporters at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld noted simply, "Goodness gracious, golly, and my stars."
French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin repudiated the Bush Administation's stance on the imminent threat in a press conference, saying, "What is the big deal? It's only a booby. We show that much in commercials."
A weapons inspections team is being hastily deployed to Houston to examine the newly uncovered evidence. A Pentagon spokesman said there were no shortage of volunteers for the mission.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
BEEN GONE SO LONG
I haven't posted much lately because I was working on a task force last week, among whose most important conclusions was that I shouldn't have been assigned to the task force. The only problem with that is, I'm going to probably stay on the task force anyway, because nobody else has the time to work on it. Nothing new here.
Today is the day my beloved Patriots end their 14 game winning streak and spurn the sweet embrace of history for a dance with the greasy insurance salesman of obscurity, or something like that. They are going to lose the Super Bowl, is what I'm trying to say. I'm looking forward to the despair, the heartbreak, and the ample supply of potato chips and dip.
I should be back to my usual schedule of posting next week. Don't say you weren't warned.
I haven't posted much lately because I was working on a task force last week, among whose most important conclusions was that I shouldn't have been assigned to the task force. The only problem with that is, I'm going to probably stay on the task force anyway, because nobody else has the time to work on it. Nothing new here.
Today is the day my beloved Patriots end their 14 game winning streak and spurn the sweet embrace of history for a dance with the greasy insurance salesman of obscurity, or something like that. They are going to lose the Super Bowl, is what I'm trying to say. I'm looking forward to the despair, the heartbreak, and the ample supply of potato chips and dip.
I should be back to my usual schedule of posting next week. Don't say you weren't warned.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
UPCOMING VH-1 SHOWS
"I Was Depressed In The 30's"
"Gangs Reunited"
"100 Worst Audience Panders"
"I Did So Much Acid I Can't Remember The 60's"
"Behind The Leaked Internet Porn Video"
"SuperSecret Cable Network Formulas"
"Driven: John Hinckley"
"VH1 Bootcamp: Lingerie Models"
"I Love The 80's Strikes Back Again: Even More C and D List Celebrities Opine About Hair Bands"
"An Eminem Easter"
"I Was Depressed In The 30's"
"Gangs Reunited"
"100 Worst Audience Panders"
"I Did So Much Acid I Can't Remember The 60's"
"Behind The Leaked Internet Porn Video"
"SuperSecret Cable Network Formulas"
"Driven: John Hinckley"
"VH1 Bootcamp: Lingerie Models"
"I Love The 80's Strikes Back Again: Even More C and D List Celebrities Opine About Hair Bands"
"An Eminem Easter"
Monday, January 26, 2004
Friday, January 23, 2004
CHILDREN OF THE POPCORN
There's nothing in the news worth mentioning, other than Howard Dean's apparent attempt to imitate the sound of Rush Limbaugh realizing that he just ran out of OxyContin, and that's already been covered. What I want to talk about is my current obsession with a small piece of popcorn that's been stuck in my mouth for two days now.
You may know how this works. You eat a bunch of popcorn, and the little hard outer parts of the kernels, not the fluffy white stuff that popped, but the remnants of the kernal shell, break loose while you are chewing and find their way into all corners of your mouth. Normally, you can wash them down with some kind of frosty beverage, but often this fails, and they become lodged in your back teeth. A toothpick usually suffices to extricate the little bastards, but sometimes you have to resort to floss or an irrigater. Well, I've employed the toothpick, rooted around with the irrigater, and even tried an electric flosser thingy I bought. No dice. From what I can sense, there is one minute piece of kernel shell stuck not in my teeth, but somewhere further back, possibly on the roof of my throat. It may even be lodged in my eustachian tube, which is the canal connecting the throat to the inner ear and sinus cavity. I've provided a handy diagram for your edification:
Needless to say, this is driving me completely insane. As far as I can tell, there is no way I can reach inside there and root around without risking permanent damage to my ears and sinuses. I've seen circus geek types run chains up their noses, and out their mouths, but unfortunately, the window of opportunity for me to become a circus geek has long since passed. I'm now wondering what the half-life of a popcorn kernel is inside the human body. Is it days? Weeks? Years? Gulp (ow...damn!). Also, can I sue Orville Redenbacher posthumously? I hate that guy. How about his little geeky grandson, Gary? Here's another handy diagram of what I'd like to do to Orville if he were still alive:
Meanwhile, I'll just suffer in silence, and remind myself to be strong. Hey, maybe if I let out a guttural scream...
There's nothing in the news worth mentioning, other than Howard Dean's apparent attempt to imitate the sound of Rush Limbaugh realizing that he just ran out of OxyContin, and that's already been covered. What I want to talk about is my current obsession with a small piece of popcorn that's been stuck in my mouth for two days now.
You may know how this works. You eat a bunch of popcorn, and the little hard outer parts of the kernels, not the fluffy white stuff that popped, but the remnants of the kernal shell, break loose while you are chewing and find their way into all corners of your mouth. Normally, you can wash them down with some kind of frosty beverage, but often this fails, and they become lodged in your back teeth. A toothpick usually suffices to extricate the little bastards, but sometimes you have to resort to floss or an irrigater. Well, I've employed the toothpick, rooted around with the irrigater, and even tried an electric flosser thingy I bought. No dice. From what I can sense, there is one minute piece of kernel shell stuck not in my teeth, but somewhere further back, possibly on the roof of my throat. It may even be lodged in my eustachian tube, which is the canal connecting the throat to the inner ear and sinus cavity. I've provided a handy diagram for your edification:
Needless to say, this is driving me completely insane. As far as I can tell, there is no way I can reach inside there and root around without risking permanent damage to my ears and sinuses. I've seen circus geek types run chains up their noses, and out their mouths, but unfortunately, the window of opportunity for me to become a circus geek has long since passed. I'm now wondering what the half-life of a popcorn kernel is inside the human body. Is it days? Weeks? Years? Gulp (ow...damn!). Also, can I sue Orville Redenbacher posthumously? I hate that guy. How about his little geeky grandson, Gary? Here's another handy diagram of what I'd like to do to Orville if he were still alive:
Meanwhile, I'll just suffer in silence, and remind myself to be strong. Hey, maybe if I let out a guttural scream...
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
CAUCUS HORRIBILUS
It seems that the US Government, represented on the ground in Iraq by L. Paul Bremer, would prefer the Iraqis hold a caucus rather than a direct election. After watching the Iowa Caucuses on C-SPAN, here's TCP's vision of how that would go.
...shot of Iraqis milling around, some seated in rickety folding chairs, some standing in what looks like a bombed out school library. There is a long table at the front with an Iraqi man moving frantically around shuffling papers and talking to various women in hijabs and burqas. Finally, he fiddles with the microphone and then speaks. Nothing comes out, so he cups his hand over his mouth and shouts.
Okay everyone, let's get started. I'm Ali Haji Hafsanjani and I'll be the Caucus leader tonight. We're here to hold the Presidential Caucus for Baghad Region 7, precinct 23. If you haven't gotten signed in out in the hallway, please do so now. I apologize for all the debris and live shells laying around, but you know how it is. I guess we can get going. First I have to read the disclaimer from the Coalition Provisional Authority Ambassador, L. Paul Bremer (a chorus of boos and cat-calls starts up). Everybody, settle down. Ok, here it is: "Welcome, Iraqi citizens, to the official Presidential Caucus to establish the democratic leadership of Iraq. This is an historic day for Iraq and all of its citizens, and the Coalition Provisional Authority hopes you use this opportunity to elect a leader the world can be proud of. If you don't, well, I think you know what could happen (more boos). Have fun and enjoy the fruits of freedom and democracy, as well the generous assortment of bagels and knishes (Iraqis look at each other, puzzled) that the Coalition has provided for your refreshment."
All right, well, I guess we can start caucusing. I need a hands up for all the Ahmed Chalabi supporters. Ahmed Chalabi. Chalabi? Moving on, how about the Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani people? How about you guys move into the 3rd grade classroom, down the hall, past the mound of rubble, second door on the left, and count yourselves up (a bunch of people get up and start moving toward the door). Who's going to be your representative? You? Ok, thanks, just get me a count after you all get down there. Thanks.
Let's see, now. How about the Adnan Pachaci folks? The Pachaci folks need to meet in the 4th grade room, past the really huge pile of girders, third door on the right (more people get up and start to leave). Who will represent the Pachaci people? I just need a count for now. Ok, decide amongst yourselves and let me know the count.
Nizar Al-Khazraji? General Al-Khazraji? You folks go down to the Special Events room, downstairs, first left. Yeah, you got the good room, only just fire damage. You'll represent the General? OK, get me a count.
Now, how about the Muhsin Abd al-Hamid group? 6th grade classroom, up the stairs, around the corner, first right. No roof. Very easy to find. Who..OK, let me know how many you have.
Uncommitted? Why don't you guys just hang out over in that corner by the unexploded mortars.
I almost forgot. Lyndon Larouche? There's always a few, isn't there? Why don't you move over there for the time being. Thanks.
Cut to a few minutes later. Hafsnajani exits out into the street and yells at the top of his lungs, "We've got 47 for Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani, 32 for Adnan Pachaci, 19 for Nizar Al-Khazraji, 11 for Muhsin Abd al-Hamid, 6 uncommitted, and 3 for Larouche. Start caucusing!" He then runs away screaming as the gunfire and mortar attacks start...
It seems that the US Government, represented on the ground in Iraq by L. Paul Bremer, would prefer the Iraqis hold a caucus rather than a direct election. After watching the Iowa Caucuses on C-SPAN, here's TCP's vision of how that would go.
...shot of Iraqis milling around, some seated in rickety folding chairs, some standing in what looks like a bombed out school library. There is a long table at the front with an Iraqi man moving frantically around shuffling papers and talking to various women in hijabs and burqas. Finally, he fiddles with the microphone and then speaks. Nothing comes out, so he cups his hand over his mouth and shouts.
Okay everyone, let's get started. I'm Ali Haji Hafsanjani and I'll be the Caucus leader tonight. We're here to hold the Presidential Caucus for Baghad Region 7, precinct 23. If you haven't gotten signed in out in the hallway, please do so now. I apologize for all the debris and live shells laying around, but you know how it is. I guess we can get going. First I have to read the disclaimer from the Coalition Provisional Authority Ambassador, L. Paul Bremer (a chorus of boos and cat-calls starts up). Everybody, settle down. Ok, here it is: "Welcome, Iraqi citizens, to the official Presidential Caucus to establish the democratic leadership of Iraq. This is an historic day for Iraq and all of its citizens, and the Coalition Provisional Authority hopes you use this opportunity to elect a leader the world can be proud of. If you don't, well, I think you know what could happen (more boos). Have fun and enjoy the fruits of freedom and democracy, as well the generous assortment of bagels and knishes (Iraqis look at each other, puzzled) that the Coalition has provided for your refreshment."
All right, well, I guess we can start caucusing. I need a hands up for all the Ahmed Chalabi supporters. Ahmed Chalabi. Chalabi? Moving on, how about the Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani people? How about you guys move into the 3rd grade classroom, down the hall, past the mound of rubble, second door on the left, and count yourselves up (a bunch of people get up and start moving toward the door). Who's going to be your representative? You? Ok, thanks, just get me a count after you all get down there. Thanks.
Let's see, now. How about the Adnan Pachaci folks? The Pachaci folks need to meet in the 4th grade room, past the really huge pile of girders, third door on the right (more people get up and start to leave). Who will represent the Pachaci people? I just need a count for now. Ok, decide amongst yourselves and let me know the count.
Nizar Al-Khazraji? General Al-Khazraji? You folks go down to the Special Events room, downstairs, first left. Yeah, you got the good room, only just fire damage. You'll represent the General? OK, get me a count.
Now, how about the Muhsin Abd al-Hamid group? 6th grade classroom, up the stairs, around the corner, first right. No roof. Very easy to find. Who..OK, let me know how many you have.
Uncommitted? Why don't you guys just hang out over in that corner by the unexploded mortars.
I almost forgot. Lyndon Larouche? There's always a few, isn't there? Why don't you move over there for the time being. Thanks.
Cut to a few minutes later. Hafsnajani exits out into the street and yells at the top of his lungs, "We've got 47 for Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani, 32 for Adnan Pachaci, 19 for Nizar Al-Khazraji, 11 for Muhsin Abd al-Hamid, 6 uncommitted, and 3 for Larouche. Start caucusing!" He then runs away screaming as the gunfire and mortar attacks start...
Monday, January 19, 2004
PHILADELPHIA FREEDOM
I'm back. I've been back since Friday, but we've been through that before.
Why do people shout "echo!" when they find themselves in a location that will produce an echo? Is that just an American/English thing? Do they think if they shout something else, it won't work? Do the French shout "écho!" (complete with accent acute)? Knowing the French, they probably shout something with layers of linguistic nuance that only a French speaker could possibly comprehend. Damned Frogs.
And congratulations to the Carolina Panthers for winning Super Bowl XXXVIII! Well, they haven't won it yet, but they will. There's no way the Pats will win two Lombardi trophies in my lifetime. That would be too much for the worldwide equilibrium of fandom-luck-jinxitude to handle. The Yankees and Dolphins would have to win every year for a millennium to make up for the Pats winning two Super Bowls, and I can't allow that to happen. And I won't. WIN PATS WIN! GOOOOOO PATS!
Oh, yeah. Sorry, Eagles. My bad.
I'm back. I've been back since Friday, but we've been through that before.
Why do people shout "echo!" when they find themselves in a location that will produce an echo? Is that just an American/English thing? Do they think if they shout something else, it won't work? Do the French shout "écho!" (complete with accent acute)? Knowing the French, they probably shout something with layers of linguistic nuance that only a French speaker could possibly comprehend. Damned Frogs.
And congratulations to the Carolina Panthers for winning Super Bowl XXXVIII! Well, they haven't won it yet, but they will. There's no way the Pats will win two Lombardi trophies in my lifetime. That would be too much for the worldwide equilibrium of fandom-luck-jinxitude to handle. The Yankees and Dolphins would have to win every year for a millennium to make up for the Pats winning two Super Bowls, and I can't allow that to happen. And I won't. WIN PATS WIN! GOOOOOO PATS!
Oh, yeah. Sorry, Eagles. My bad.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
THE FEELING IS PARI-MUTUEL
Another day in Hallibur-town. I've moved from the bed to the chair tonight, just to liven things up a bit. The power generation class made "Gigli" look like "The Godfather", Parts I and II. Hey, that would have been cool to watch "The Godfather". I'd have even sat through Part III to avoid the lengthy discourse on gas turbines.
After class, I headed to the mall for dinner, naturally, because that's the kind of guy I am. I shop at restaurants, eat at malls. What can I say, I'm an iconoclast. Then I hit Sam Houston Race Park to place some wagers on the ambulatory dog food cans they call thoroughbreds. As usual, the Alpo-nauts got the last laugh by never coming in the way I predicted. They'll get theirs soon enough.
This will be my last post from the road. Knowing the TSA, it could be my last post, period. But I'm prepared. I have a rolled-up SkyMall, and I know how to use it.
Another day in Hallibur-town. I've moved from the bed to the chair tonight, just to liven things up a bit. The power generation class made "Gigli" look like "The Godfather", Parts I and II. Hey, that would have been cool to watch "The Godfather". I'd have even sat through Part III to avoid the lengthy discourse on gas turbines.
After class, I headed to the mall for dinner, naturally, because that's the kind of guy I am. I shop at restaurants, eat at malls. What can I say, I'm an iconoclast. Then I hit Sam Houston Race Park to place some wagers on the ambulatory dog food cans they call thoroughbreds. As usual, the Alpo-nauts got the last laugh by never coming in the way I predicted. They'll get theirs soon enough.
This will be my last post from the road. Knowing the TSA, it could be my last post, period. But I'm prepared. I have a rolled-up SkyMall, and I know how to use it.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
HERMETICALLY SEALED
I'm back in bed again. No, I didn't stay here all day, although it might have been just as enlightening. We learned that sometimes, steam can cost less than nothing, which was neat in a Stephen Hawking, 11-physical-dimension, parallel-universe sort of way. Had I been able to stay awake to really think about it, that is.
If I had really wanted to, I could have not left this building all day. I sleep here, the class is here, there are several restaurants here, the WebTV is here, there is a fitness room, and of course, there is ample motion picture entertainment available, some, I'm told, with actual plot and dialogue. I did make a foray outside into what passes for air around here, though, to the nearby Wal-Mart, because, well, I've got to stay close to my people! And I forgot to bring a t-shirt to work out in. Believe me, nobody needs to see me work out shirtless. Once again, everything for the sake of my people!
Tomorrow we learn about power generation. The anticipation is palpable.
I'm back in bed again. No, I didn't stay here all day, although it might have been just as enlightening. We learned that sometimes, steam can cost less than nothing, which was neat in a Stephen Hawking, 11-physical-dimension, parallel-universe sort of way. Had I been able to stay awake to really think about it, that is.
If I had really wanted to, I could have not left this building all day. I sleep here, the class is here, there are several restaurants here, the WebTV is here, there is a fitness room, and of course, there is ample motion picture entertainment available, some, I'm told, with actual plot and dialogue. I did make a foray outside into what passes for air around here, though, to the nearby Wal-Mart, because, well, I've got to stay close to my people! And I forgot to bring a t-shirt to work out in. Believe me, nobody needs to see me work out shirtless. Once again, everything for the sake of my people!
Tomorrow we learn about power generation. The anticipation is palpable.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
BLOG-FAST IN BED
I'm in Houston. I'm in bed. I'm adding an entry to my weblog. Isn't the modern world a thing of joy and wonderment? Nah, I guess not.
Anyway, I'm here. The hotel has a WebTV connection, and somebody is paying $10.99 a day for it. I hope it isn't me. Well, if I post this, it'll have to be me. So, it's me. Damn.
That's all for now. I have to rest up for my incredibly boring day tomorrow. Nighty night!
I'm in Houston. I'm in bed. I'm adding an entry to my weblog. Isn't the modern world a thing of joy and wonderment? Nah, I guess not.
Anyway, I'm here. The hotel has a WebTV connection, and somebody is paying $10.99 a day for it. I hope it isn't me. Well, if I post this, it'll have to be me. So, it's me. Damn.
That's all for now. I have to rest up for my incredibly boring day tomorrow. Nighty night!
Monday, January 12, 2004
THE EYES OF TEXAS WILL BE UPON ME...BUNCH OF PERVERTS
Once again, I'm heading off to Houston for a training class. That's where we oilheads go when we need to pump up the old lobes with more info, as we never say. I'll be gone until Friday night. I will attempt to commandeer a PC at some location or another and report on my trek to the Lone Gunman State as it is occurring.
Once again, I'm heading off to Houston for a training class. That's where we oilheads go when we need to pump up the old lobes with more info, as we never say. I'll be gone until Friday night. I will attempt to commandeer a PC at some location or another and report on my trek to the Lone Gunman State as it is occurring.
ONE GAME AWAY TIMES TWO
Despite my efforts, the Pats and Eagles remain on a collision course.
Of course, with this post, I just made it that much more difficult. Colts and Panthers fans, I'm doing my best. Don't blame me.
Despite my efforts, the Pats and Eagles remain on a collision course.
Of course, with this post, I just made it that much more difficult. Colts and Panthers fans, I'm doing my best. Don't blame me.
Friday, January 09, 2004
NOW WE KNOW
Remember back in week two of TCP when I asked, who runs up a six-figure water bill?
Well, it's a seven-figure bill, but here's the answer.
Remember back in week two of TCP when I asked, who runs up a six-figure water bill?
Well, it's a seven-figure bill, but here's the answer.
HAIR-BRAINED
So, how are we doing in the War on Terror? Is there one leading indicator that can tell us all we need to know? Yes, news fans, there is. I call it "The Banfield Hair Color Index".
If you recall, MSNBC anchor Ashleigh Banfield either stopped dyeing her blond or started dyeing her hair brown (the actual answer requires more research than TCP is capable of) after she was assigned to Afghanistan. Her rationale was that she didn't want to "offend" the locals with her theretofore brassy 'do. Here we see Ash's pre-9/11 coif:
And this is how she looked shortly after taking the Afghan job:
In August of 2002, back from the 'Stan, she added a few blond streaks, so things were looking up on the terrorism front:
But then in May of 2003, as the Iraqi conflict raged on, the streaks were gone, and a frightening reddish tone emerged, signalling a possible escalation in Al-Qaeda activity:
Finally, this most recent photo shows Ms. Banfield with a more somber sienna tint to her tresses, evincing a slight lessening of tensions, but certainly no return to the pre-9/11 halcyon days:
So, there you have it. Are we winning the War on Terror? All you need to do is watch the hair.
So, how are we doing in the War on Terror? Is there one leading indicator that can tell us all we need to know? Yes, news fans, there is. I call it "The Banfield Hair Color Index".
If you recall, MSNBC anchor Ashleigh Banfield either stopped dyeing her blond or started dyeing her hair brown (the actual answer requires more research than TCP is capable of) after she was assigned to Afghanistan. Her rationale was that she didn't want to "offend" the locals with her theretofore brassy 'do. Here we see Ash's pre-9/11 coif:
And this is how she looked shortly after taking the Afghan job:
In August of 2002, back from the 'Stan, she added a few blond streaks, so things were looking up on the terrorism front:
But then in May of 2003, as the Iraqi conflict raged on, the streaks were gone, and a frightening reddish tone emerged, signalling a possible escalation in Al-Qaeda activity:
Finally, this most recent photo shows Ms. Banfield with a more somber sienna tint to her tresses, evincing a slight lessening of tensions, but certainly no return to the pre-9/11 halcyon days:
So, there you have it. Are we winning the War on Terror? All you need to do is watch the hair.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
DISCOVERING MY WORLD
Kinda busy today. I'm developing my own Discovery Channel show called "American Monster Blogger Spaces". Every show, we take somebody's normal blog, and soup it up into a freaky, snarky, mindblowing information powerhouse. There's an authority figure who is always yelling at the guy who does all the work, and we're always running against impossible deadlines which we meet at the very last second, and there's always tension as to whether the people will like the finished product. But they always do! Except for the special episodes when they hate it. You should be seeing it next fall when they run out of episodes of all the other crap.
Kinda busy today. I'm developing my own Discovery Channel show called "American Monster Blogger Spaces". Every show, we take somebody's normal blog, and soup it up into a freaky, snarky, mindblowing information powerhouse. There's an authority figure who is always yelling at the guy who does all the work, and we're always running against impossible deadlines which we meet at the very last second, and there's always tension as to whether the people will like the finished product. But they always do! Except for the special episodes when they hate it. You should be seeing it next fall when they run out of episodes of all the other crap.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
HE'S IN!
Pete Rose, who has recently admitted to betting on baseball while managing the Cincinnati Reds after denying it for over 13 years, has been unanimously elected into the Lying Gamblers' Hall Of Fame, a spokesman announced.
"He received 100% of the vote," said spokesman Ace Deucey (not his real name). "We've been trying to get him in for years, but we were never quite sure he was lying about betting on baseball. We were pretty sure he was a prodigious gambler, and we figured he lied about lots of other stuff, but to bet on his own sport and then lie about it, well, that's Hall Of Fame caliber lying and gambling."
The Lying Gamblers Hall Of Fame, which on its web site lists its location as Las Vegas when it is actually in Reno, numbers among its luminaries the 1919 Chicago Black Sox, Michael Jordan, and last year's inductee, Bill Bennett.
Pete Rose, who has recently admitted to betting on baseball while managing the Cincinnati Reds after denying it for over 13 years, has been unanimously elected into the Lying Gamblers' Hall Of Fame, a spokesman announced.
"He received 100% of the vote," said spokesman Ace Deucey (not his real name). "We've been trying to get him in for years, but we were never quite sure he was lying about betting on baseball. We were pretty sure he was a prodigious gambler, and we figured he lied about lots of other stuff, but to bet on his own sport and then lie about it, well, that's Hall Of Fame caliber lying and gambling."
The Lying Gamblers Hall Of Fame, which on its web site lists its location as Las Vegas when it is actually in Reno, numbers among its luminaries the 1919 Chicago Black Sox, Michael Jordan, and last year's inductee, Bill Bennett.
Monday, January 05, 2004
FOR A GOOD TIME CALL
Ladies and Gentlemen of the great state of California, I present your Governor!
Ay, caramba.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the great state of California, I present your Governor!
Ay, caramba.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
GOLD, FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH NOT REQUIRED. WELL, GOLD WOULD BE NICE
Wish me Happy Birthday, you freaks!
And I refuse to waste more precious blogspace on Britney "I Like Jacking With Civil Servants" Spears. Oh, I just did. Well, let's be realistic, blogspace really isn't all that precious. Certainly not in these parts.
Wish me Happy Birthday, you freaks!
And I refuse to waste more precious blogspace on Britney "I Like Jacking With Civil Servants" Spears. Oh, I just did. Well, let's be realistic, blogspace really isn't all that precious. Certainly not in these parts.
Friday, January 02, 2004
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT
We're back in the Delaware Valley of The Shadow of Death. We actually got back on Monday, but since no one actually reads this, I didn't think it was relevant to mention it on here at that time.
Wanna see our vacation photos? Well, you can't, because you're not related to me. And why would you want to anyway? Are you obsessed with me or something, like that guy from "One-Hour Photo"? If you think you're going to photograph me having sex with my mistress, well, that's where I draw the line. First, I'd have to pay somebody to be my mistress, and, frankly, the whole thing just doesn't seem worth the effort. Anyway, here's a morsel to keep you sated.
We had a great turkey lined up until the Bumpus hounds ate it, but everything turned out OK at the Chinese Restaurant. And I got my official Daisy Red Ryder BB-gun with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time!
We're back in the Delaware Valley of The Shadow of Death. We actually got back on Monday, but since no one actually reads this, I didn't think it was relevant to mention it on here at that time.
Wanna see our vacation photos? Well, you can't, because you're not related to me. And why would you want to anyway? Are you obsessed with me or something, like that guy from "One-Hour Photo"? If you think you're going to photograph me having sex with my mistress, well, that's where I draw the line. First, I'd have to pay somebody to be my mistress, and, frankly, the whole thing just doesn't seem worth the effort. Anyway, here's a morsel to keep you sated.
We had a great turkey lined up until the Bumpus hounds ate it, but everything turned out OK at the Chinese Restaurant. And I got my official Daisy Red Ryder BB-gun with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time!
Sunday, December 28, 2003
JUST TAKE THE TRAM TO THE BUS TO THE MONORAIL AND THEN TAKE A BOAT TO THE 2-HOUR LINE FOR THE FUN!
More from The Land of Keeping Your Hands Inside The Vehicle At All Times. We made our obligatory trip to the Diz yesterday. This year, we visited Disney's Animal Kingdom. We saw many ferocious, exotic, and dangerous beasts, and then we finally got to the front of the line. The actual lions, cheetahs, giraffes, hippos and rhinos seemed pretty nonchalant about the whole thing, like many native Orlandoans.
We also visited the Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow. Apparently, in the future, we'll all be living in a community where they show propaganda films of various countries which were shot in the early 80's. I still want to know how Norway got let into the Epcot League of Nations. What has Norway ever done for us? The biathlon is hardly worth building a theme park attraction about. I also want to know how France is still in. I thought Disney, in conjunction with the Defense Department (and let's face it, they're pretty much the same thing), had outlawed France.
We're flying back tomorrow. Stop all that chatter!
More from The Land of Keeping Your Hands Inside The Vehicle At All Times. We made our obligatory trip to the Diz yesterday. This year, we visited Disney's Animal Kingdom. We saw many ferocious, exotic, and dangerous beasts, and then we finally got to the front of the line. The actual lions, cheetahs, giraffes, hippos and rhinos seemed pretty nonchalant about the whole thing, like many native Orlandoans.
We also visited the Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow. Apparently, in the future, we'll all be living in a community where they show propaganda films of various countries which were shot in the early 80's. I still want to know how Norway got let into the Epcot League of Nations. What has Norway ever done for us? The biathlon is hardly worth building a theme park attraction about. I also want to know how France is still in. I thought Disney, in conjunction with the Defense Department (and let's face it, they're pretty much the same thing), had outlawed France.
We're flying back tomorrow. Stop all that chatter!
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
NO HEROISM REQUIRED, SO FAR
We're here. I'm writing this logged in as my sister's second husband's son from a previous marriage. Oh, what a tangled web they weave when first they practice to conceive. I didn't have to use the SkyMall as a deadly weapon, but I do have my eye on a Guillotine Cigar Cutter as a little birthday present to myself after the trip.
More later, especially if my mother and brother-in-law's constant viewing of the Fox News Channel makes me go berserk.
We're here. I'm writing this logged in as my sister's second husband's son from a previous marriage. Oh, what a tangled web they weave when first they practice to conceive. I didn't have to use the SkyMall as a deadly weapon, but I do have my eye on a Guillotine Cigar Cutter as a little birthday present to myself after the trip.
More later, especially if my mother and brother-in-law's constant viewing of the Fox News Channel makes me go berserk.
Monday, December 22, 2003
IT'S NOT EXACTLY "LET'S ROLL", BUT I'M HAPPY WITH IT
My wife and I will be boarding a plane at BWI tomorrow bound for Orlando. I'd like to take this opportunity to interject a phrase into the lexicon that I intend to use if terrorists take over the aircraft and a bunch of passengers decide to take it back:
"I don't think you can kill a man with a rolled up SkyMall."
And for God's sake, somebody fill out the damned forms.
My wife and I will be boarding a plane at BWI tomorrow bound for Orlando. I'd like to take this opportunity to interject a phrase into the lexicon that I intend to use if terrorists take over the aircraft and a bunch of passengers decide to take it back:
"I don't think you can kill a man with a rolled up SkyMall."
And for God's sake, somebody fill out the damned forms.
Sunday, December 21, 2003
Thursday, December 18, 2003
AND MARY AND JOSEPH TRAVELED TO THE HOUSE OF THE MOUSE, AND THERE WAS NO ROOM AT THE SUPER-8
Well, I filled out the yearly company ethics compliance form, so I'm ready to pack it in for the year. I almost stumbled on that Import and Export Control Law question, but it turns out that guys from Cyprus searching for photos of Bitty Schram nude and accidentally reading my sniper jokes doesn't count.
The wife and I are headed to Orlando for Christmas, where I can now get into Disney World and Universal for free due to family connections. I'm practically one of the Bushes when I'm down there now. Now if I can only get an inside track into this place, I'll be all set. I'd sure love to get my hands on a Joseph of Arimathea bobblehead doll!
Well, I filled out the yearly company ethics compliance form, so I'm ready to pack it in for the year. I almost stumbled on that Import and Export Control Law question, but it turns out that guys from Cyprus searching for photos of Bitty Schram nude and accidentally reading my sniper jokes doesn't count.
The wife and I are headed to Orlando for Christmas, where I can now get into Disney World and Universal for free due to family connections. I'm practically one of the Bushes when I'm down there now. Now if I can only get an inside track into this place, I'll be all set. I'd sure love to get my hands on a Joseph of Arimathea bobblehead doll!
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
YOU FORGOT WHAT'S HIS NAME
Here's my impression of every interview ever conducted about the Blues on NPR:
INTERVIEWER: ...W.C. Handy...Robert Johnson...Leadbelly...Mississippi John Hurt...Billie Holliday...Bo Diddley.
INTERVIEWEE: ...Blind Willie Johnson...Buddy Guy...John Lee Hooker...Muddy Waters...B.B. King...Howlin' Wolf...Etta James...
etc.
There are words where the ellipses are, but they are completely interchangeable from one interview to the next.
Here's my impression of every interview ever conducted about the Blues on NPR:
INTERVIEWER: ...W.C. Handy...Robert Johnson...Leadbelly...Mississippi John Hurt...Billie Holliday...Bo Diddley.
INTERVIEWEE: ...Blind Willie Johnson...Buddy Guy...John Lee Hooker...Muddy Waters...B.B. King...Howlin' Wolf...Etta James...
etc.
There are words where the ellipses are, but they are completely interchangeable from one interview to the next.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT
I'll be using this post to test either the awesome power of my jinxability, or my complete ineffectualness (yes, that is a word).
The two NFL teams I follow, the New England Patriots, who have been my team since I was 9 years old, and the Philadelphia Eagles, who I root for principally because rooting against them may be hazardous to my health where I live, are a combined 19-0 since October 12th, when the Eagles lost to the Cowboys. I haven't mentioned the two winning streaks here in this space, or done much more than merely contemplate this fact, for fear of somehow affecting the outcome of the games. This is irrational of course, but somehow palpably logical nonetheless, based on empirical evidence dating from my childhood (see New England Patriots team history, 1976-2000 for supporting documentation). My capacity for negatively influencing sports teams extends to baseball, where the New York Mets had a lengthy run of fetidness throughout my adolescent years. The Mets eventually had the great fortune to meet the Boston Red Sox in the World Series in 1986, successfully using this team's vast ill-fated nature as a shield against my relatively puny one. No baseball team that I follow has since managed to overcome my deletirious impact, although the teams in question, the Chicago White Sox, Houston Astros, and Philadelphia Phillies, have some serious karma issues of their own. Getting back to the Patriots, they also surmounted my bad mojo, winning their only Super Bowl title in 2002. I still haven't figured that one out. I think I was just having a bad day.
In any case, this year the Pats and Eagles are each on a roll, and nothing I do seems to be able to stop it. Hence this post. I mean, why even have a weblog if you can't demonstrate your natural gifts? So, to that end, WOOOO-HOOOOO!!! Go Pats! Go Eagles! Win the rest of your regular season games, win two playoff games, and you guys are headed to Super Bowl XXXVIII! You can do it! Super Bowl bound! See you in Houston! WOOOO-
HOOOOO!!!
There. To the eventual Super Bowl champs: You owe me.
I'll be using this post to test either the awesome power of my jinxability, or my complete ineffectualness (yes, that is a word).
The two NFL teams I follow, the New England Patriots, who have been my team since I was 9 years old, and the Philadelphia Eagles, who I root for principally because rooting against them may be hazardous to my health where I live, are a combined 19-0 since October 12th, when the Eagles lost to the Cowboys. I haven't mentioned the two winning streaks here in this space, or done much more than merely contemplate this fact, for fear of somehow affecting the outcome of the games. This is irrational of course, but somehow palpably logical nonetheless, based on empirical evidence dating from my childhood (see New England Patriots team history, 1976-2000 for supporting documentation). My capacity for negatively influencing sports teams extends to baseball, where the New York Mets had a lengthy run of fetidness throughout my adolescent years. The Mets eventually had the great fortune to meet the Boston Red Sox in the World Series in 1986, successfully using this team's vast ill-fated nature as a shield against my relatively puny one. No baseball team that I follow has since managed to overcome my deletirious impact, although the teams in question, the Chicago White Sox, Houston Astros, and Philadelphia Phillies, have some serious karma issues of their own. Getting back to the Patriots, they also surmounted my bad mojo, winning their only Super Bowl title in 2002. I still haven't figured that one out. I think I was just having a bad day.
In any case, this year the Pats and Eagles are each on a roll, and nothing I do seems to be able to stop it. Hence this post. I mean, why even have a weblog if you can't demonstrate your natural gifts? So, to that end, WOOOO-HOOOOO!!! Go Pats! Go Eagles! Win the rest of your regular season games, win two playoff games, and you guys are headed to Super Bowl XXXVIII! You can do it! Super Bowl bound! See you in Houston! WOOOO-
HOOOOO!!!
There. To the eventual Super Bowl champs: You owe me.
Monday, December 15, 2003
BACK AND TO THE LEFT...BACK AND TO THE LEFT
There's been another shooting death at Dealey Plaza.
Surviving members of the Warren Commission have already blamed Lee Harvey Oswald for the killing. Oliver Stone is working on a film that fingers LBJ, the Military-Industrial Complex, Pro-Castro Cubans, Anti-Castro Cubans, the Mafia, and aliens from the planet B46-J. Robert Caro is writing a 3,500 page multi-volume work where he never actually mentions it.
There's been another shooting death at Dealey Plaza.
Surviving members of the Warren Commission have already blamed Lee Harvey Oswald for the killing. Oliver Stone is working on a film that fingers LBJ, the Military-Industrial Complex, Pro-Castro Cubans, Anti-Castro Cubans, the Mafia, and aliens from the planet B46-J. Robert Caro is writing a 3,500 page multi-volume work where he never actually mentions it.
Friday, December 12, 2003
YOU SPOKE FRENCH!
Canada, that nice country with all the moose, appointed a new Prime Minister, Paul Martin, today. At his first press conference, Mr. Martin spoke his second language, French, better than Bush can speak, uh, whatever the hell it is he speaks.
That's it. I guess we know the answer to yesterday's poll now.
Canada, that nice country with all the moose, appointed a new Prime Minister, Paul Martin, today. At his first press conference, Mr. Martin spoke his second language, French, better than Bush can speak, uh, whatever the hell it is he speaks.
That's it. I guess we know the answer to yesterday's poll now.
Thursday, December 11, 2003
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
TOP TEN REASONS MEL GIBSON SHOULD USE TO CONVINCE THEATERS TO SHOW "THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST" THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON
10. Filmgoers can use it as a chance to brush up on their Aramaic.
9. Marketing tie-ins with 84 Lumber.
8. 37% reduction of Jew-blaming in the final cut.
7. James Caviezel looks hot in a loincloth.
6. Vatican-approved, unlike Lethal Weapon 1, 2, and 3 (The Pope liked the Chris Rock character in 4).
5. Two words: Mary Magdelene!
4. Nerds in line for "Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King" dressed as Gollum will fit right in.
3. Last Supper scene will help increase sales of Twizzler Combo Packs.
2. Pontius Pilate to be played by Britney Spears in select theaters.
And the No. 1 reason Mel Gibson should use to convince theaters to show "The Passion Of The Christ" this Christmas season is:
1. Our society has completely lost touch with the true meaning of Christmas and has reduced the holiday to a consumer driven frenzy of - ah fuck it, I'm Mel Gibson, dammit, doesn't that mean anything any more?
10. Filmgoers can use it as a chance to brush up on their Aramaic.
9. Marketing tie-ins with 84 Lumber.
8. 37% reduction of Jew-blaming in the final cut.
7. James Caviezel looks hot in a loincloth.
6. Vatican-approved, unlike Lethal Weapon 1, 2, and 3 (The Pope liked the Chris Rock character in 4).
5. Two words: Mary Magdelene!
4. Nerds in line for "Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King" dressed as Gollum will fit right in.
3. Last Supper scene will help increase sales of Twizzler Combo Packs.
2. Pontius Pilate to be played by Britney Spears in select theaters.
And the No. 1 reason Mel Gibson should use to convince theaters to show "The Passion Of The Christ" this Christmas season is:
1. Our society has completely lost touch with the true meaning of Christmas and has reduced the holiday to a consumer driven frenzy of - ah fuck it, I'm Mel Gibson, dammit, doesn't that mean anything any more?
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
MY DEAR
In a stunning development today, the Bowl Championship Series has announced that its computers have reversed their earlier decision and named Lagos State University of Nigeria to play Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl for the national collegiate football championship.
"Well, we received this e-mail from Mr. Obuju Ngeye, son of the former Nigerian foreign minister, saying that we could receive 10% of a $50 million dollar fortune that the Nigerian government had frozen in a Swiss bank account," said BCS spokeman James Caldwell. "Naturally, we were very interested, so we clicked on an attachment in the e-mail, and the next thing we knew, Lagos State was the No. 1 BCS team."
Officials at the BCS say that there isn't much recourse available to them at this point, since BCS by-laws stipulate that the computer results are final. "It doesn't look right, but hey, what can you do?" asked BCS coordinator Mike Tranghese. "I just hope Lagos has a pretty good pass defense, or it could be a long night."
Mr. Ngeye could not be reached for comment, but someone by the name of Kahdri did promise to respond to the story "soon" after we gave him our checking account number.
In a stunning development today, the Bowl Championship Series has announced that its computers have reversed their earlier decision and named Lagos State University of Nigeria to play Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl for the national collegiate football championship.
"Well, we received this e-mail from Mr. Obuju Ngeye, son of the former Nigerian foreign minister, saying that we could receive 10% of a $50 million dollar fortune that the Nigerian government had frozen in a Swiss bank account," said BCS spokeman James Caldwell. "Naturally, we were very interested, so we clicked on an attachment in the e-mail, and the next thing we knew, Lagos State was the No. 1 BCS team."
Officials at the BCS say that there isn't much recourse available to them at this point, since BCS by-laws stipulate that the computer results are final. "It doesn't look right, but hey, what can you do?" asked BCS coordinator Mike Tranghese. "I just hope Lagos has a pretty good pass defense, or it could be a long night."
Mr. Ngeye could not be reached for comment, but someone by the name of Kahdri did promise to respond to the story "soon" after we gave him our checking account number.
Monday, December 08, 2003
AN ODE TO ORCHARD PARK
I didn't post anything yesterday because I was riveted to the the local CBS affiliate's telecast of the spellbinding NFL matchup between the New York Jets and the Buffalo Bills, two teams who were only two games under .500 entering the contest, on the lush, beautiful FieldTurf of Ralph Wilson Stadium. My heart leapt as brave Jets kicker Doug Brien lofted two arching parabolas into the evening western New York sky and through the towering uprights for the Jets final total of six points. I did metaphorical cartwheels as stalwart Bills Wide Receiver Josh Reed balletically snared a six yard Drew Bledsoe pass for the winning score with only 13 minutes left in the first half.
The only thing marring the broadcast were those pesky updates in the corner of the screen, detailing the petty, lesser exploits of winning teams that only petty, lesser cities were watching live. Why do we need to know what is happening in the unreachable strata of playoff teams when we can enjoy the courageous battle between two also-rans unfolding before us? The answer, as with the minds of local affiliate programmers, will remain inscrutable to the last.
I didn't post anything yesterday because I was riveted to the the local CBS affiliate's telecast of the spellbinding NFL matchup between the New York Jets and the Buffalo Bills, two teams who were only two games under .500 entering the contest, on the lush, beautiful FieldTurf of Ralph Wilson Stadium. My heart leapt as brave Jets kicker Doug Brien lofted two arching parabolas into the evening western New York sky and through the towering uprights for the Jets final total of six points. I did metaphorical cartwheels as stalwart Bills Wide Receiver Josh Reed balletically snared a six yard Drew Bledsoe pass for the winning score with only 13 minutes left in the first half.
The only thing marring the broadcast were those pesky updates in the corner of the screen, detailing the petty, lesser exploits of winning teams that only petty, lesser cities were watching live. Why do we need to know what is happening in the unreachable strata of playoff teams when we can enjoy the courageous battle between two also-rans unfolding before us? The answer, as with the minds of local affiliate programmers, will remain inscrutable to the last.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
THE OTHER END OF THE BELL CURVE
In the mail today came the quarterly alumni newsletter from my dear old Alma Mater. This periodical seems to exist to say two and only two things: 1) Everyone else who graduated in your class is doing better than you, and 2) Send us some money.
I suppose there isn't much anyone can do about thing #2. They're always going to need some scratch. Thing #1, though, seems easily remedied. Just once, they could print something along these lines, to make us moderately successful semi-achievers feel better:
William Jablonksi, '89 ChemE. Bill was demoted from assistant operations superintendent at HugeCo when his supervisor caught him playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on his office PC for 8 hours straight. After much soul searching, Bill decided to quit and start his own web development company. Several months passed as Bill half-heartedly tried and ultimately failed to recruit other unhappy HugeCo employees to join his new firm. The year came to a close with Bill doing his under-developed magic show for local children's parties and submitting vitriolic entries to the HugeCo stock message board on Yahoo. Bill is now planning a hiking trip through Europe with what's left of his 401K plan, to culminate in a pathetic sex and hashish-filled binge in Amsterdam. On the personal side, Bill is a confirmed commitment-phobe with a half dozen ex-girlfriends who no longer speak to him.
In the mail today came the quarterly alumni newsletter from my dear old Alma Mater. This periodical seems to exist to say two and only two things: 1) Everyone else who graduated in your class is doing better than you, and 2) Send us some money.
I suppose there isn't much anyone can do about thing #2. They're always going to need some scratch. Thing #1, though, seems easily remedied. Just once, they could print something along these lines, to make us moderately successful semi-achievers feel better:
William Jablonksi, '89 ChemE. Bill was demoted from assistant operations superintendent at HugeCo when his supervisor caught him playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on his office PC for 8 hours straight. After much soul searching, Bill decided to quit and start his own web development company. Several months passed as Bill half-heartedly tried and ultimately failed to recruit other unhappy HugeCo employees to join his new firm. The year came to a close with Bill doing his under-developed magic show for local children's parties and submitting vitriolic entries to the HugeCo stock message board on Yahoo. Bill is now planning a hiking trip through Europe with what's left of his 401K plan, to culminate in a pathetic sex and hashish-filled binge in Amsterdam. On the personal side, Bill is a confirmed commitment-phobe with a half dozen ex-girlfriends who no longer speak to him.
SIC SAD WORLDTM*, VOLUME II
A while back we here at TCP introduced a feature we call "SIC SAD WORLDTM", wherein we highlight passages, usually quotations, from the media that need no further embellishment, and can be taken "as written", or "sic" in Latin.
Today, we present the second item in the SIC SAD WORLDTM catalog. This comes from a story by Reuters about a statue of Padre Pio in Rome that is allegedly weeping blood.
A national consumer protection group warned against a possible hoax, saying devotees of Padre Pio had been swindled in the past. "Let's be careful before shouting 'miracle'," the Codacons consumer group said in a statement.
* No, it's not really trademarked. What are you going to do, seize my 1991 Beretta? It's all yours.
A while back we here at TCP introduced a feature we call "SIC SAD WORLDTM", wherein we highlight passages, usually quotations, from the media that need no further embellishment, and can be taken "as written", or "sic" in Latin.
Today, we present the second item in the SIC SAD WORLDTM catalog. This comes from a story by Reuters about a statue of Padre Pio in Rome that is allegedly weeping blood.
A national consumer protection group warned against a possible hoax, saying devotees of Padre Pio had been swindled in the past. "Let's be careful before shouting 'miracle'," the Codacons consumer group said in a statement.
* No, it's not really trademarked. What are you going to do, seize my 1991 Beretta? It's all yours.
RSS, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH STD
I finally figured out what RSS is, thanks to Salon.com's Scott Rosenberg. My RSS feed is at http://crossbowproject.org/index.rdf, and there is a link below. Aggregate me, baby!
Yes, I do have a college degree, I'm just a little slow on the uptake sometimes. So, who's this Paris Hilton?
I finally figured out what RSS is, thanks to Salon.com's Scott Rosenberg. My RSS feed is at http://crossbowproject.org/index.rdf, and there is a link below. Aggregate me, baby!
Yes, I do have a college degree, I'm just a little slow on the uptake sometimes. So, who's this Paris Hilton?
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
BELGIAN WAFFLE
The sports chattering classes are up in arms over Belgian tennis player Kim Clijster's decision to forego the 2004 Olympics in Athens because the Belgian national team will wear Adidas and Clijsters has an apparel contract with Fila.
There's an easy and obvious way for Clijsters to transcend this problem: Play Naked! She may have a slight problem, you know, up top running down shots at any kind of speed, but, frankly, who would even care if she wins? The ratings would be through the roof. In fact, judging from the overwhelming desire of people to see certain female golfers nude, they may have to build an entire new Internet just to handle the traffic to view the videos and photos from the match. It would spark a global boom in web server, router, and cable modem sales and administration, and the resulting good will might convince other female and even male athletes to compete au naturel. Pretty soon, all sports will be played in the buff, followed by all films and TV shows being acted unattired. Eventually, all pop culture will be conducted sans clothing, and then all public institutions, including Congress, will go starkers. And then we'll finally get to see this guy naked.
On second thought, Kim, never mind.
The sports chattering classes are up in arms over Belgian tennis player Kim Clijster's decision to forego the 2004 Olympics in Athens because the Belgian national team will wear Adidas and Clijsters has an apparel contract with Fila.
There's an easy and obvious way for Clijsters to transcend this problem: Play Naked! She may have a slight problem, you know, up top running down shots at any kind of speed, but, frankly, who would even care if she wins? The ratings would be through the roof. In fact, judging from the overwhelming desire of people to see certain female golfers nude, they may have to build an entire new Internet just to handle the traffic to view the videos and photos from the match. It would spark a global boom in web server, router, and cable modem sales and administration, and the resulting good will might convince other female and even male athletes to compete au naturel. Pretty soon, all sports will be played in the buff, followed by all films and TV shows being acted unattired. Eventually, all pop culture will be conducted sans clothing, and then all public institutions, including Congress, will go starkers. And then we'll finally get to see this guy naked.
On second thought, Kim, never mind.
Monday, December 01, 2003
AD HOMINEM
OK, Lexus, I give up. You know what? I'm going to take your suggestion and surprise my wife with a $50,000 vehicle this Christmas by hiding the keys in a snowman, or a toy train, or some other iconic Christmassy symbol. Yup, that's what I'm going to do, because I'm MADE of money. Between my pissant job and this blog, I'm ROLLING in it. Which is why I watch NFL Football on Sundays. I'm living so far in the lap of luxury, it's positively breathtaking, and my viewing habits reflect that. So, I'm going to go right on down to my nearest Lexus dealer and tell the cheerful salesperson to wrap a bow on it and deliver it to my palatial estate so my wife can beam with joy at her new luxury SUV. Now please, get off my ass you motherfucking dickweeds.
OK, Lexus, I give up. You know what? I'm going to take your suggestion and surprise my wife with a $50,000 vehicle this Christmas by hiding the keys in a snowman, or a toy train, or some other iconic Christmassy symbol. Yup, that's what I'm going to do, because I'm MADE of money. Between my pissant job and this blog, I'm ROLLING in it. Which is why I watch NFL Football on Sundays. I'm living so far in the lap of luxury, it's positively breathtaking, and my viewing habits reflect that. So, I'm going to go right on down to my nearest Lexus dealer and tell the cheerful salesperson to wrap a bow on it and deliver it to my palatial estate so my wife can beam with joy at her new luxury SUV. Now please, get off my ass you motherfucking dickweeds.
Sunday, November 30, 2003
SORRY, GUYS
Over the weekend, top female golfer Annika Sorenstam played in the annual Skins Game against Fred Couples, Mark O'Meara and Phil Mickelson. She finshed second in money winnings to Couples.
Unfortunately for many accidental viewers of TCP, she did not appear in her underwear or in the nude, and she did not expose her nipples. Except, of course, for some secret, hot Hot HOT photos obtained by TCP, which I will be not be sharing with you complete fucking morons.
Over the weekend, top female golfer Annika Sorenstam played in the annual Skins Game against Fred Couples, Mark O'Meara and Phil Mickelson. She finshed second in money winnings to Couples.
Unfortunately for many accidental viewers of TCP, she did not appear in her underwear or in the nude, and she did not expose her nipples. Except, of course, for some secret, hot Hot HOT photos obtained by TCP, which I will be not be sharing with you complete fucking morons.
Friday, November 28, 2003
THE SHADOW NOSE
President Bush made a surprise trip to Baghdad to join the troops for Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. A light security detail was used, only selected reporters were notified, and Air Force One used a phony call sign.
Friends of the President say they haven't seen this kind of stealth and secretiveness from Bush since he stopped buying his own cocaine.
President Bush made a surprise trip to Baghdad to join the troops for Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. A light security detail was used, only selected reporters were notified, and Air Force One used a phony call sign.
Friends of the President say they haven't seen this kind of stealth and secretiveness from Bush since he stopped buying his own cocaine.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Monday, November 24, 2003
SHORT LIST
In the spirit of transom.org, I've come up with a short list. Try to guess the category.
- I'm on vacation.
- I'm tired.
- I have no inspiration.
- Nobody ever reads this fucking thing.
- I'm a loser.
- Well, not so much a loser as a social outcast.
- Ok, a loser.
- Oh, yeah, my wife is baking cookies, and you can't have any. Nyah, Nyah, Nyah!
Click here for the answer.
In the spirit of transom.org, I've come up with a short list. Try to guess the category.
- I'm on vacation.
- I'm tired.
- I have no inspiration.
- Nobody ever reads this fucking thing.
- I'm a loser.
- Well, not so much a loser as a social outcast.
- Ok, a loser.
- Oh, yeah, my wife is baking cookies, and you can't have any. Nyah, Nyah, Nyah!
Click here for the answer.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
THE MAN IN THE GRAY PRADA SUIT
As you no doubt have heard, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced to the press that he wore Prada at his inauguration.
In lesser-reported Kennedy clan fashion news, at his grandnephew's kegger, Sen. Ted Kennedy wore, at least toward the end, a vomit-stained Nike T-shirt and no pants.
As you no doubt have heard, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced to the press that he wore Prada at his inauguration.
In lesser-reported Kennedy clan fashion news, at his grandnephew's kegger, Sen. Ted Kennedy wore, at least toward the end, a vomit-stained Nike T-shirt and no pants.
Friday, November 21, 2003
THE SUN DID NOT SHINE
Let's see...Cat In The Hat Burger King Kids Meal toys, Cat In The Hat special Mastercard "priceless" commercial, Cat In The Hat ride at Universal, Cat In The Hat video game, Cat In The Hat cereal, at least four different Cat In The Hat sweepstakes, even a Cat In The Hat stamp from the US Postal Service.
This movie must really suck.
Yup.
Let's see...Cat In The Hat Burger King Kids Meal toys, Cat In The Hat special Mastercard "priceless" commercial, Cat In The Hat ride at Universal, Cat In The Hat video game, Cat In The Hat cereal, at least four different Cat In The Hat sweepstakes, even a Cat In The Hat stamp from the US Postal Service.
This movie must really suck.
Yup.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
FABULOUS
The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court has decreed that a ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional.
Excuse me, I'm going to go make a million dollars opening a bridal shop in Provincetown.
Great news for job seekers! The Boston Archdiocese should have plenty of openings soon.
Now maybe that crazy sex machine Barney Frank will finally settle down.
The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court has decreed that a ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional.
Excuse me, I'm going to go make a million dollars opening a bridal shop in Provincetown.
Great news for job seekers! The Boston Archdiocese should have plenty of openings soon.
Now maybe that crazy sex machine Barney Frank will finally settle down.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
SWEEPING THE CLOUDS AWAY
Now that the season finale of "K Street" has aired on HBO, TCP is ready to release a screenplay it has obtained from one of the early ideas that Steven Soderbergh and George Clooney were kicking around before they even decided to make a show about Washington lobbyists.
I'd have to say they made the right creative decision.
Now that the season finale of "K Street" has aired on HBO, TCP is ready to release a screenplay it has obtained from one of the early ideas that Steven Soderbergh and George Clooney were kicking around before they even decided to make a show about Washington lobbyists.
I'd have to say they made the right creative decision.
Monday, November 17, 2003
SCHWARZENEGGER INAUGURATED; MILLIONS REALIZE RECALL NOT A PUBLICITY STUNT
After Austrian former bodybuilder and movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger was inaugurated as the Governor of California today, millions of stunned Californians finally came to the realization that the recall election was not in fact a massive publicity stunt tied to the release of the Terminator III - Rise Of The Machines DVD.
"Well, look at the timing," said retired seamstress Wanda Martinez. "I mean, the DVD came out a few days ago, so I just figured this was a big PR campaign. You mean he's really our Governor? O Dios mio!"
"Thank goodness this DVD mess will all be over and we can go back to good old Gray Davis tomorrow," remarked Joseph Watson, a public utility worker, before he was told. Later, after the news spread throughout the state that the action hero would in fact continue to serve out Davis' four year term, Watson shrieked, "Jesus H. Christ! We're all fucked!"
Election officials all over the state answered frantic phone calls from startled voters after it became clear that Schwarzenegger was actually the new state Chief Executive. "It ran mostly along the lines of, 'I thought the whole thing was a huge marketing gimmick', and "what have we done?'," said Contra Costa County Clerk Leo Ongais. "A few people called to see if we were selling the DVD here at the Clerk's office."
The Terminator III - Rise Of The Machines DVD comes with commentary by the director and actors, including Schwarzenegger, an HBO Behind The Scenes documentary, trailers, and a storyboard gallery, but unfortunately, no plan for reversing the projected $60 billion California state deficit. "I mean it, we are seriously fucked," added Watson.
After Austrian former bodybuilder and movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger was inaugurated as the Governor of California today, millions of stunned Californians finally came to the realization that the recall election was not in fact a massive publicity stunt tied to the release of the Terminator III - Rise Of The Machines DVD.
"Well, look at the timing," said retired seamstress Wanda Martinez. "I mean, the DVD came out a few days ago, so I just figured this was a big PR campaign. You mean he's really our Governor? O Dios mio!"
"Thank goodness this DVD mess will all be over and we can go back to good old Gray Davis tomorrow," remarked Joseph Watson, a public utility worker, before he was told. Later, after the news spread throughout the state that the action hero would in fact continue to serve out Davis' four year term, Watson shrieked, "Jesus H. Christ! We're all fucked!"
Election officials all over the state answered frantic phone calls from startled voters after it became clear that Schwarzenegger was actually the new state Chief Executive. "It ran mostly along the lines of, 'I thought the whole thing was a huge marketing gimmick', and "what have we done?'," said Contra Costa County Clerk Leo Ongais. "A few people called to see if we were selling the DVD here at the Clerk's office."
The Terminator III - Rise Of The Machines DVD comes with commentary by the director and actors, including Schwarzenegger, an HBO Behind The Scenes documentary, trailers, and a storyboard gallery, but unfortunately, no plan for reversing the projected $60 billion California state deficit. "I mean it, we are seriously fucked," added Watson.
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Saturday, November 15, 2003
HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER, A PHOTO ESSAY
"So, what exactly the hell was he doing from May 23rd to November 5th?" I'm sure my imaginary readers are asking themselves. Well, I had these digital photos from this Summer laying around, and I present them to you, my readers, hypothetical though you are, in no particular order and with no explanation. You are encouraged to construct your own narrative, and leave it in my Moral Imperatives.
"So, what exactly the hell was he doing from May 23rd to November 5th?" I'm sure my imaginary readers are asking themselves. Well, I had these digital photos from this Summer laying around, and I present them to you, my readers, hypothetical though you are, in no particular order and with no explanation. You are encouraged to construct your own narrative, and leave it in my Moral Imperatives.
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THAT'S THE "A" TICKET
You've laughed with the Country Bear Jamboree...
You've thrilled to Pirates Of The Caribbean...
You're lining up to be scared out of your wits by The Haunted Mansion...
Now, coming this Christmas to a theater near you, the latest Walt Disney World Theme Park Movie...
It's MAGNETIC!
You've laughed with the Country Bear Jamboree...
You've thrilled to Pirates Of The Caribbean...
You're lining up to be scared out of your wits by The Haunted Mansion...
Now, coming this Christmas to a theater near you, the latest Walt Disney World Theme Park Movie...
It's MAGNETIC!
Friday, November 14, 2003
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
KEEP YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND, AND KEEP REACHING FOR THE STARS...
What's the deal with Rickie Lee Jones? I was listening to her new song on the local public radio music station, WXPN, and all I can say is, long gone are the days of her sweet warbling on "Chuck E.'s In Love". Now, she sounds like if she were on American Idol, Simon Cowell would leap over the table and smother her with a Hefty Cinch-Sak to keep her from singing, permanently.
Speaking of popular music, a topic about which, admittedly, I have as much authority to comment as say, Walter Cronkite, I've had just about enough of "Five For Fighting". It's just one guy. What exactly is wrong with using, for example, your name? Why must you act as though you are some sort of ensemble? I mean, Ben Folds Five is only three guys, but at least Ben Folds is one of the three guys. Get over yourself.
One more tidbit: if I hear 19-year-old millionaire Avril Lavigne declaim one more time about how "that's how life is" in her lyrics, she'll learn very quickly that life is much less pleasant than the one to which she has become accustomed.
What's the deal with Rickie Lee Jones? I was listening to her new song on the local public radio music station, WXPN, and all I can say is, long gone are the days of her sweet warbling on "Chuck E.'s In Love". Now, she sounds like if she were on American Idol, Simon Cowell would leap over the table and smother her with a Hefty Cinch-Sak to keep her from singing, permanently.
Speaking of popular music, a topic about which, admittedly, I have as much authority to comment as say, Walter Cronkite, I've had just about enough of "Five For Fighting". It's just one guy. What exactly is wrong with using, for example, your name? Why must you act as though you are some sort of ensemble? I mean, Ben Folds Five is only three guys, but at least Ben Folds is one of the three guys. Get over yourself.
One more tidbit: if I hear 19-year-old millionaire Avril Lavigne declaim one more time about how "that's how life is" in her lyrics, she'll learn very quickly that life is much less pleasant than the one to which she has become accustomed.
Monday, November 10, 2003
Sunday, November 09, 2003
REALLY, IT WORKS
Of the many hardships one endures while watching NFL football, my least favorite is the spate of promos for network shows that run during commercial breaks. One of these promos on CBS is for "Cold Case", a (shockingly enough) police procedural show about, well, you can figure it out. After viewing this promo at least seventy-three times, I have two words (one hyphenated) for the show's star, Kathryn Morris.
Leave-in Conditioner.
Of the many hardships one endures while watching NFL football, my least favorite is the spate of promos for network shows that run during commercial breaks. One of these promos on CBS is for "Cold Case", a (shockingly enough) police procedural show about, well, you can figure it out. After viewing this promo at least seventy-three times, I have two words (one hyphenated) for the show's star, Kathryn Morris.
Leave-in Conditioner.
TCP'S SIC SAD WORLDTM, VOLUME I
Some things you read in the newspaper can't possibly be improved upon, and you just have to leave them "as written", or "sic" in Latin. To commemorate these self-ironic communications (just to completely belabor the point, I invented a three-letter acronym), TCP brings you SIC SAD WORLDTM*.
In today's Philly Inquirer there is a report on wasteful spending of taxpayer funds by state legislators. The last part of the article includes our first ever SIC SAD WORLDTM item:
One of the more mysterious spending items found in the stacks of legislative invoices is the contract between (Rep. Vince) Fumo and Frank D. Wallace, the former Philadelphia police inspector turned private investigator.
Why does the minority head of an appropriations committee need a $50,000-a-year private eye?
"Sometimes," said (Fumo spokeman Gary) Tuma, "we get tips from people about wasteful spending."
*SIC SAD WORLD is not really trademarked. I stole it from Daria. Sue me. Please. Anything for some traffic.
Some things you read in the newspaper can't possibly be improved upon, and you just have to leave them "as written", or "sic" in Latin. To commemorate these self-ironic communications (just to completely belabor the point, I invented a three-letter acronym), TCP brings you SIC SAD WORLDTM*.
In today's Philly Inquirer there is a report on wasteful spending of taxpayer funds by state legislators. The last part of the article includes our first ever SIC SAD WORLDTM item:
One of the more mysterious spending items found in the stacks of legislative invoices is the contract between (Rep. Vince) Fumo and Frank D. Wallace, the former Philadelphia police inspector turned private investigator.
Why does the minority head of an appropriations committee need a $50,000-a-year private eye?
"Sometimes," said (Fumo spokeman Gary) Tuma, "we get tips from people about wasteful spending."
*SIC SAD WORLD is not really trademarked. I stole it from Daria. Sue me. Please. Anything for some traffic.
YADA YADA YADA
Finally, crossbowproject.org works. Yes, I am Master Of My Domain, in a non-masturbatorial way. Whatever.
Finally, crossbowproject.org works. Yes, I am Master Of My Domain, in a non-masturbatorial way. Whatever.
Saturday, November 08, 2003
THAT'S QUITE A HAUL
My wife and I were out driving on I-495, or what I like to call, "The Window To The Delaware River", when we came across a U-Haul truck. As you may know, U-Haul likes to advertise their many locations on the sides of their trucks. This particular truck, in Delaware at the time, was advertising for...Hawaii.
I tried that trip once. The first few feet after you make the turn at San Diego are the toughest.
My wife and I were out driving on I-495, or what I like to call, "The Window To The Delaware River", when we came across a U-Haul truck. As you may know, U-Haul likes to advertise their many locations on the sides of their trucks. This particular truck, in Delaware at the time, was advertising for...Hawaii.
I tried that trip once. The first few feet after you make the turn at San Diego are the toughest.
NINE, EIGHT CENTRAL
The Pentagon today announced that more details have been obtained regarding the kidnapping of Private Jessica Lynch. According to Iraqi sources, Pvt. Lynch was held suspended from the ceiling, scarred with red hot pokers, beaten with a tire iron, scalded with boiling water, shocked with electrodes, and in the most heinous act, forced to listen to the early tracks from the new Clay Aiken album. Asked to comment, Miss Lynch said that she was unconscious the entire time, but it sounds like something that might have happened. She added that she is upset that the Army is continuing to exploit her capture, but would we like to see the new Mazda RX-8 she bought with her book advance?
Meanwhile, the Pentagon also announced that a few more US soldiers had been killed in the Iraqi insurgency, but that none of them were photogenic enough to warrant further attention. And besides, they were dead.
The Pentagon today announced that more details have been obtained regarding the kidnapping of Private Jessica Lynch. According to Iraqi sources, Pvt. Lynch was held suspended from the ceiling, scarred with red hot pokers, beaten with a tire iron, scalded with boiling water, shocked with electrodes, and in the most heinous act, forced to listen to the early tracks from the new Clay Aiken album. Asked to comment, Miss Lynch said that she was unconscious the entire time, but it sounds like something that might have happened. She added that she is upset that the Army is continuing to exploit her capture, but would we like to see the new Mazda RX-8 she bought with her book advance?
Meanwhile, the Pentagon also announced that a few more US soldiers had been killed in the Iraqi insurgency, but that none of them were photogenic enough to warrant further attention. And besides, they were dead.
Friday, November 07, 2003
WIL WHEATON UP A HALF ON HEAVY TRADING
It's official: I'm worthless. Well, I'm worth a grand, but that's the official arbitrary zero point. Time to do something about it, I guess, so I've hired Dennis Kozlowski as a consultant.
TCP WOWS THE STREET!
TCP announced today that it has beaten Blogshares idea expectations in the last quarter by, uh, 5,000%! TCP will be issuing an axiom dividend of $3 per share for the 3rd quarter. We have several brilliant hypotheses in the pipeline, and we will be embarking on an aggressive path of notion acquisition over the coming months. Large shareholders (this could be you!) will be eligible for exciting adventures to exotic resort islands to discuss TCP's wide range of investment vehicles and to PAR-TAY! You haven't lived until you see our ice statue of Annika Sorenstam NUDE dispensing Stolichnaya out of, well, you'll just have to see for yourself! Write to Kozlowski Enterprises, c/o The U.S. District Court, District of New York, for a full prospectus.
It's official: I'm worthless. Well, I'm worth a grand, but that's the official arbitrary zero point. Time to do something about it, I guess, so I've hired Dennis Kozlowski as a consultant.
TCP WOWS THE STREET!
TCP announced today that it has beaten Blogshares idea expectations in the last quarter by, uh, 5,000%! TCP will be issuing an axiom dividend of $3 per share for the 3rd quarter. We have several brilliant hypotheses in the pipeline, and we will be embarking on an aggressive path of notion acquisition over the coming months. Large shareholders (this could be you!) will be eligible for exciting adventures to exotic resort islands to discuss TCP's wide range of investment vehicles and to PAR-TAY! You haven't lived until you see our ice statue of Annika Sorenstam NUDE dispensing Stolichnaya out of, well, you'll just have to see for yourself! Write to Kozlowski Enterprises, c/o The U.S. District Court, District of New York, for a full prospectus.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
TCP'S SECOND ANNUAL NBA AND NHL PREVIEW FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WATCH THE NBA AND NHL
Yeah, I know, second day back, and I'm already recycling stuff. But this year's is different, I'm telling you.
NBA
The NBA is now drafting almost exclusively foreign players and players under 18, due to complicated extradition procedures and lighter sentences for minors. NBA players thus far have served more jail time under the Bush Administration than Al Qaeda. Amidst all the pre-trial hearings, motions for dismissal, and parole reviews, some actual basketball may be played. Here's what to look for:
EASTERN CONFERENCE
LeBron James will be playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers, who secured the rights to his embryo back in 1985 in a very strange lottery ceremony. ESPN will have a camera on LeBron 24 hours a day, 7 days a week throughout the basketball season, and will be offering his liaisons with groupies during road trips on Pay-Per-View. The Cavaliers will definitely not make the playoffs.
Allen Iverson of the Philadelphia 76ers, freed from the tyrannical presence of Larry Brown, will no longer attend practices, shootarounds, team meetings, or any other team function, and will not do anything on a basketball court except dribble the ball and shoot three-pointers during actual games, to which he will be chauffer-driven and brought on to the court in a gilded litter.
The New Jersey Nets will win the Eastern Conference, because somebody has to, but they will be the first team to win an NBA Conference with more than 5 players wearing electronic ankle bracelet monitors. But not the last.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be fined "all the money in the world times six jillion dollars" by Commissioner David Stern when he ritually murders a referee at half court after a particularly bad call. Cuban will offer to clean the Porta-Sans at a Phish concert using only his tongue instead. Stern will accept. The Mavericks will lose in the conference finals after they start blocking each others shots.
Kobe Bryant of the L.A. Lakers will be found not guilty of sexual assault at his trial in Colorado after he buys each of the jurors, the judge, the prosecutor, and the alleged victim a $4 million ring. The Lakers will lose in the playoffs after Karl Malone succumbs to Alzheimer's disease.
The Portland Trail Blazers...oh never mind.
The San Antonio Spurs will win the NBA title using their radical approach of putting the ball in the net while trying to stop their opponents from doing so without any involvement with the criminal justice system.
NHL
The National Hockey League is in its final season before labor strife threatens to tear the league apart. The challenge for the NHL this year is, "Will anybody notice us when we are gone?" The smart money says "No." The Stanley Cup will still have to be won, dragged across the continent, vomited on and of course urinated in, though, so here's what to expect.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
The Buffalo Sabres and Ottawa Senators will run out of money for player salaries. The players will continue to play, mainly because most other employers' dental insurance plans will not accept them.
Mario Lemieux, Owner/Player for the Pittsburgh Penguins, will trade himself to whatever team the Penguins are playing that night, and then purposely fire goals into his new team's net. He will then trade himself back to the Penguins and repeat the process. The Penguins will win all 82 regular season games, sweep the Eastern Conference playoffs and be 3 games to none ahead in the Stanley Cup finals before Commissioner Gary Bauer decides it's "bad for hockey."
Scott Stevens of the New Jersey Devils will literally knock someone into next week when one of his punishing checks opens up a tear in the space-time continuum. Stevens will be assessed a 10-minute major penalty, which he will have already served two years ago.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
There's absolutely nothing funny or interesting about the Western Conference of the NHL. Really. I'm not running out ideas, it's just true.
STANLEY CUP WINNER: Um, Anaheim? They won it last year, right? I don't recall.
Yeah, I know, second day back, and I'm already recycling stuff. But this year's is different, I'm telling you.
NBA
The NBA is now drafting almost exclusively foreign players and players under 18, due to complicated extradition procedures and lighter sentences for minors. NBA players thus far have served more jail time under the Bush Administration than Al Qaeda. Amidst all the pre-trial hearings, motions for dismissal, and parole reviews, some actual basketball may be played. Here's what to look for:
EASTERN CONFERENCE
LeBron James will be playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers, who secured the rights to his embryo back in 1985 in a very strange lottery ceremony. ESPN will have a camera on LeBron 24 hours a day, 7 days a week throughout the basketball season, and will be offering his liaisons with groupies during road trips on Pay-Per-View. The Cavaliers will definitely not make the playoffs.
Allen Iverson of the Philadelphia 76ers, freed from the tyrannical presence of Larry Brown, will no longer attend practices, shootarounds, team meetings, or any other team function, and will not do anything on a basketball court except dribble the ball and shoot three-pointers during actual games, to which he will be chauffer-driven and brought on to the court in a gilded litter.
The New Jersey Nets will win the Eastern Conference, because somebody has to, but they will be the first team to win an NBA Conference with more than 5 players wearing electronic ankle bracelet monitors. But not the last.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be fined "all the money in the world times six jillion dollars" by Commissioner David Stern when he ritually murders a referee at half court after a particularly bad call. Cuban will offer to clean the Porta-Sans at a Phish concert using only his tongue instead. Stern will accept. The Mavericks will lose in the conference finals after they start blocking each others shots.
Kobe Bryant of the L.A. Lakers will be found not guilty of sexual assault at his trial in Colorado after he buys each of the jurors, the judge, the prosecutor, and the alleged victim a $4 million ring. The Lakers will lose in the playoffs after Karl Malone succumbs to Alzheimer's disease.
The Portland Trail Blazers...oh never mind.
The San Antonio Spurs will win the NBA title using their radical approach of putting the ball in the net while trying to stop their opponents from doing so without any involvement with the criminal justice system.
NHL
The National Hockey League is in its final season before labor strife threatens to tear the league apart. The challenge for the NHL this year is, "Will anybody notice us when we are gone?" The smart money says "No." The Stanley Cup will still have to be won, dragged across the continent, vomited on and of course urinated in, though, so here's what to expect.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
The Buffalo Sabres and Ottawa Senators will run out of money for player salaries. The players will continue to play, mainly because most other employers' dental insurance plans will not accept them.
Mario Lemieux, Owner/Player for the Pittsburgh Penguins, will trade himself to whatever team the Penguins are playing that night, and then purposely fire goals into his new team's net. He will then trade himself back to the Penguins and repeat the process. The Penguins will win all 82 regular season games, sweep the Eastern Conference playoffs and be 3 games to none ahead in the Stanley Cup finals before Commissioner Gary Bauer decides it's "bad for hockey."
Scott Stevens of the New Jersey Devils will literally knock someone into next week when one of his punishing checks opens up a tear in the space-time continuum. Stevens will be assessed a 10-minute major penalty, which he will have already served two years ago.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
There's absolutely nothing funny or interesting about the Western Conference of the NHL. Really. I'm not running out ideas, it's just true.
STANLEY CUP WINNER: Um, Anaheim? They won it last year, right? I don't recall.
THIS PLACE IS NO FUN AT ALL
It was Safety Day today. This is the day each year we have to go fight fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Again this year, I was required, I believe by OSHA regulations, to wear actual clothing under my rubber hip boots and bunker gear, so that was a bummer. Maybe next year.
It was Safety Day today. This is the day each year we have to go fight fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Again this year, I was required, I believe by OSHA regulations, to wear actual clothing under my rubber hip boots and bunker gear, so that was a bummer. Maybe next year.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
TSK TSK
Seriously, people, you should all be ashamed.
I mean, four or five months is plenty of time to not update your web site. Jeez!
Seriously, people, you should all be ashamed.
I mean, four or five months is plenty of time to not update your web site. Jeez!
POLITICS WITH A HUMAN TOUCH...SEVERAL, IN FACT
I've been thinking about attending one of these Dean or Clark meet-ups, but they look pretty lame. I have a feeling these folks would be a lot more fun.
I've been thinking about attending one of these Dean or Clark meet-ups, but they look pretty lame. I have a feeling these folks would be a lot more fun.
(MY ACHIN') BACK
No, I couldn't stay away. I'm sick like that.
So, what's new in my life, you ask? Absolutely nothing. Aside from the supposedly inoperable cancer I licked using Deepak Chopra's complete oeuvre, the writings of Dr. Wayne Dyer, several forms of homeopathic medicine, and lots and lots of good old fashioned prayer! And the heaviest slate of chemotherapy and radiation my HMO could afford. NO! Not really. I'm healthy as Ivanka Trump's poodle. Well, I have a back thing, otherwise known as a herniated disk, but I won't bore you with the details, aside from the fact that it's between L-4 and L-5, and it hurts to make sweet love to my woman.
Don't expect the often near daily, or at least semi-weekly, entries that were common with my last go at bloggerness. If it's one thing I'm not, it's a blogaholic. I'll put an entry in when I've exhausted every other conceivable method of spending my time, and I have something to write that either makes me laugh or pisses me off. Or I have a link to something strange and/or silly. You know, like 1.2 million other bloggers. I'm nothing if not unoriginal.
How do I know Ivanka Trump even has a poodle? What, do I hang with her at the Tower? This and many other secrets will be revealed in upcoming entries.
No, I couldn't stay away. I'm sick like that.
So, what's new in my life, you ask? Absolutely nothing. Aside from the supposedly inoperable cancer I licked using Deepak Chopra's complete oeuvre, the writings of Dr. Wayne Dyer, several forms of homeopathic medicine, and lots and lots of good old fashioned prayer! And the heaviest slate of chemotherapy and radiation my HMO could afford. NO! Not really. I'm healthy as Ivanka Trump's poodle. Well, I have a back thing, otherwise known as a herniated disk, but I won't bore you with the details, aside from the fact that it's between L-4 and L-5, and it hurts to make sweet love to my woman.
Don't expect the often near daily, or at least semi-weekly, entries that were common with my last go at bloggerness. If it's one thing I'm not, it's a blogaholic. I'll put an entry in when I've exhausted every other conceivable method of spending my time, and I have something to write that either makes me laugh or pisses me off. Or I have a link to something strange and/or silly. You know, like 1.2 million other bloggers. I'm nothing if not unoriginal.
How do I know Ivanka Trump even has a poodle? What, do I hang with her at the Tower? This and many other secrets will be revealed in upcoming entries.
Friday, May 30, 2003
Friday, May 23, 2003
NOTHING EVER LASTS FOREVER...
Well, nude celebrity photo searchers, The Crossbow Project has far outlived its useful purpose, whatever that was, and will be cyber-expunged come next Tuesday. I've long ago run out of anything resembling creativity, and the thought of posting any more of this warmed-over imbecility makes me cringe with disgust. I'll continue to check out the sites of the few people who read this on any sort of semi-regular basis, and many others who don't, since they possess far more aptitude for this medium than I do, but my blogging days have ended. I appreciate any and all support I've received, and I'll leave you with this appropriate soundtrack to my farewell.
Well, nude celebrity photo searchers, The Crossbow Project has far outlived its useful purpose, whatever that was, and will be cyber-expunged come next Tuesday. I've long ago run out of anything resembling creativity, and the thought of posting any more of this warmed-over imbecility makes me cringe with disgust. I'll continue to check out the sites of the few people who read this on any sort of semi-regular basis, and many others who don't, since they possess far more aptitude for this medium than I do, but my blogging days have ended. I appreciate any and all support I've received, and I'll leave you with this appropriate soundtrack to my farewell.
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
ANNIKA SORENSTAM NUDE!
No, idiots, I don't have photos of Annika Sorenstam nude. What are you, retarded? No, even a retarded, I mean specially able, person would know that Annika Sorenstam has never posed for nude photographs. So you must be so completely addicted to porn that every synapse in your addled little mind thinks that anyone whose name appears in a newspaper or who is on TV must, in some sort of fame initiation rite, have a portfolio of nude photos taken. Well, let me tell ya, kids, it just isn't true. It especially isn't true with female professional golfers, and it really, really especially isn't true with Annika Sorenstam.
Now, Annika did appear in Sports Illustrated in the February 24, 2003 issue in her underwear, but that's as close as you're gonna get. I know how difficult it must be for your porn-clouded mind to be able to find a copy of this magazine, so I'm going to help you out. It says "Sports Illustrated" in big letters on the cover, and there is a picture of a bunch of guys in Anaheim Angels uniforms playing baseball. Also, Annika is not in her underwear right on the cover. You have to turn the pages. I forget which page it's on, but try somewhere near the middle. If you are coming down off the porn high, and you have a few extra brain cells to devote to the task, you can try the table of contents and look for a story about "Annika Sorenstam". It will tell you which page number the story is on. Then you can use the little numbers on the bottom of each page to find the pictures of Annika in her underwear.
I happen to actually have in my possession a copy of this Sports Illustrated issue. It can be yours for only $5,000, but you have to somehow manage to send me an e-mail and then send me a money order for the full amount, which I doubt very strongly you'll be able to do, since you are probably already in debt up to your ears from subscribing to a few hundred hard-core porn sites with your credit card. But it's available if you want it. You freaks.
No, idiots, I don't have photos of Annika Sorenstam nude. What are you, retarded? No, even a retarded, I mean specially able, person would know that Annika Sorenstam has never posed for nude photographs. So you must be so completely addicted to porn that every synapse in your addled little mind thinks that anyone whose name appears in a newspaper or who is on TV must, in some sort of fame initiation rite, have a portfolio of nude photos taken. Well, let me tell ya, kids, it just isn't true. It especially isn't true with female professional golfers, and it really, really especially isn't true with Annika Sorenstam.
Now, Annika did appear in Sports Illustrated in the February 24, 2003 issue in her underwear, but that's as close as you're gonna get. I know how difficult it must be for your porn-clouded mind to be able to find a copy of this magazine, so I'm going to help you out. It says "Sports Illustrated" in big letters on the cover, and there is a picture of a bunch of guys in Anaheim Angels uniforms playing baseball. Also, Annika is not in her underwear right on the cover. You have to turn the pages. I forget which page it's on, but try somewhere near the middle. If you are coming down off the porn high, and you have a few extra brain cells to devote to the task, you can try the table of contents and look for a story about "Annika Sorenstam". It will tell you which page number the story is on. Then you can use the little numbers on the bottom of each page to find the pictures of Annika in her underwear.
I happen to actually have in my possession a copy of this Sports Illustrated issue. It can be yours for only $5,000, but you have to somehow manage to send me an e-mail and then send me a money order for the full amount, which I doubt very strongly you'll be able to do, since you are probably already in debt up to your ears from subscribing to a few hundred hard-core porn sites with your credit card. But it's available if you want it. You freaks.
ANNIKA SORENSTAM NUDE!
No, idiots, I don't have photos of Annika Sorenstam nude. What are you, retarded? No, even a retarded, I mean specially able, person would know that Annika Sorenstam has never posed for nude photographs. So you must be so completely addicted to porn that every synapse in your addled little mind thinks that anyone whose name appears in a newspaper or who is on TV must, in some sort of fame initiation rite, have a portfolio of nude photos taken. Well, let me tell ya, kids, it just isn't true. It especially isn't true with female professional golfers, and it really, really especially isn't true with Annika Sorenstam.
Now, Annika did appear in Sports Illustrated in the February 24, 2003 issue in her underwear, but that's as close as you're gonna get. I know how difficult it must be for your porn-clouded mind to be able to find a copy of this magazine, so I'm going to help you out. It says "Sports Illustrated" in big letters on the cover, and there is a picture of a bunch of guys in Anaheim Angels uniforms playing baseball. Also, Annika is not in her underwear right on the cover. You have to turn the pages. I forget which page it's on, but try somewhere near the middle. If you are coming down off the porn high, and you have a few extra brain cells to devote to the task, you can try the table of contents and look for a story about "Annika Sorenstam". It will tell you which page number the story is on. Then you can use the little numbers on the bottom of each page to find the pictures of Annika in her underwear.
I happen to actually have in my possession a copy of this Sports Illustrated issue. It can be yours for only $5,000, but you have to somehow manage to send me an e-mail and then send me a money order for the full amount, which I doubt very strongly you'll be able to do, since you are probably already in debt up to your ears from subscribing to a few hundred hard-core porn sites with your credit card. But it's available if you want it. You freaks.
No, idiots, I don't have photos of Annika Sorenstam nude. What are you, retarded? No, even a retarded, I mean specially able, person would know that Annika Sorenstam has never posed for nude photographs. So you must be so completely addicted to porn that every synapse in your addled little mind thinks that anyone whose name appears in a newspaper or who is on TV must, in some sort of fame initiation rite, have a portfolio of nude photos taken. Well, let me tell ya, kids, it just isn't true. It especially isn't true with female professional golfers, and it really, really especially isn't true with Annika Sorenstam.
Now, Annika did appear in Sports Illustrated in the February 24, 2003 issue in her underwear, but that's as close as you're gonna get. I know how difficult it must be for your porn-clouded mind to be able to find a copy of this magazine, so I'm going to help you out. It says "Sports Illustrated" in big letters on the cover, and there is a picture of a bunch of guys in Anaheim Angels uniforms playing baseball. Also, Annika is not in her underwear right on the cover. You have to turn the pages. I forget which page it's on, but try somewhere near the middle. If you are coming down off the porn high, and you have a few extra brain cells to devote to the task, you can try the table of contents and look for a story about "Annika Sorenstam". It will tell you which page number the story is on. Then you can use the little numbers on the bottom of each page to find the pictures of Annika in her underwear.
I happen to actually have in my possession a copy of this Sports Illustrated issue. It can be yours for only $5,000, but you have to somehow manage to send me an e-mail and then send me a money order for the full amount, which I doubt very strongly you'll be able to do, since you are probably already in debt up to your ears from subscribing to a few hundred hard-core porn sites with your credit card. But it's available if you want it. You freaks.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
BILLIONS AND BILLIONS SERVED
We're back from Rochester. Let me just say, Physics students are not necessarily of our species. I can vouch for my niece, who is really an Astronomy student, but as for the rest of them, it's anybody's guess.
The photo above is of the Rush Rhees Library on the campus of the University of Rochester, also known by UR students as "the Nipple of Knowledge", where the commencement was held on Sunday. My niece received her Bachelor of Arts Degree in Astronomy with a minor in Film Studies, which nearly guarantees her a spot in the burgeoning food and beverage service industry, at least for a while. If you have a need for a young lady who can produce an engaging television documentary on the Properties of Local Hydrodynamic and Magnetohydrodynamic Turbulence in Differentially Rotating Systems, please use the above e-mail link, and I'll pass the information on to her.
If you happened to be on or near Interstate 476 at about 10-11:30 PM Sunday night, that was me doing Mach 3.6. Sorry for the sonic booms.
We're back from Rochester. Let me just say, Physics students are not necessarily of our species. I can vouch for my niece, who is really an Astronomy student, but as for the rest of them, it's anybody's guess.
The photo above is of the Rush Rhees Library on the campus of the University of Rochester, also known by UR students as "the Nipple of Knowledge", where the commencement was held on Sunday. My niece received her Bachelor of Arts Degree in Astronomy with a minor in Film Studies, which nearly guarantees her a spot in the burgeoning food and beverage service industry, at least for a while. If you have a need for a young lady who can produce an engaging television documentary on the Properties of Local Hydrodynamic and Magnetohydrodynamic Turbulence in Differentially Rotating Systems, please use the above e-mail link, and I'll pass the information on to her.
If you happened to be on or near Interstate 476 at about 10-11:30 PM Sunday night, that was me doing Mach 3.6. Sorry for the sonic booms.
BILLIONS AND BILLIONS SERVED
We're back from Rochester. Let me just say, Physics students are not necessarily of our species. I can vouch for my niece, who is really an Astronomy student, but as for the rest of them, it's anybody's guess.
The photo above is of the Rush Rhees Library on the campus of the University of Rochester, also known by UR students as "the Nipple of Knowledge", where the commencement was held on Sunday. My niece received her Bachelor of Arts Degree in Astronomy with a minor in Film Studies, which nearly guarantees her a spot in the burgeoning food and beverage service industry, at least for a while. If you have a need for a young lady who can produce an engaging television documentary on the Properties of Local Hydrodynamic and Magnetohydrodynamic Turbulence in Differentially Rotating Systems, please use the above e-mail link, and I'll pass the information on to her.
If you happened to be on or near Interstate 476 at about 10-11:30 PM Sunday night, that was me doing Mach 3.6. Sorry for the sonic booms.
We're back from Rochester. Let me just say, Physics students are not necessarily of our species. I can vouch for my niece, who is really an Astronomy student, but as for the rest of them, it's anybody's guess.
The photo above is of the Rush Rhees Library on the campus of the University of Rochester, also known by UR students as "the Nipple of Knowledge", where the commencement was held on Sunday. My niece received her Bachelor of Arts Degree in Astronomy with a minor in Film Studies, which nearly guarantees her a spot in the burgeoning food and beverage service industry, at least for a while. If you have a need for a young lady who can produce an engaging television documentary on the Properties of Local Hydrodynamic and Magnetohydrodynamic Turbulence in Differentially Rotating Systems, please use the above e-mail link, and I'll pass the information on to her.
If you happened to be on or near Interstate 476 at about 10-11:30 PM Sunday night, that was me doing Mach 3.6. Sorry for the sonic booms.
Friday, May 16, 2003
PULL MY FINGER LAKES
The missus and I are traveling to Rochester, NY this weekend to attend my niece's college graduation. One of my brothers and two of my sisters will be there, and I can't decide whether to make cheeky references to Jack Benny's chauffeur or Jane Eyre's employer-turned-lover to show how witty and sophisticated I am.
Ah fuck it. I'll just tell a few fart jokes. That usually works.
The missus and I are traveling to Rochester, NY this weekend to attend my niece's college graduation. One of my brothers and two of my sisters will be there, and I can't decide whether to make cheeky references to Jack Benny's chauffeur or Jane Eyre's employer-turned-lover to show how witty and sophisticated I am.
Ah fuck it. I'll just tell a few fart jokes. That usually works.
PULL MY FINGER LAKES
The missus and I are traveling to Rochester, NY this weekend to attend my niece's college graduation. One of my brothers and two of my sisters will be there, and I can't decide whether to make cheeky references to Jack Benny's chauffeur or Jane Eyre's employer-turned-lover to show how witty and sophisticated I am.
Ah fuck it. I'll just tell a few fart jokes. That usually works.
The missus and I are traveling to Rochester, NY this weekend to attend my niece's college graduation. One of my brothers and two of my sisters will be there, and I can't decide whether to make cheeky references to Jack Benny's chauffeur or Jane Eyre's employer-turned-lover to show how witty and sophisticated I am.
Ah fuck it. I'll just tell a few fart jokes. That usually works.
Thursday, May 15, 2003
TUBE STEAK BOOGIE
Below is the text of an ad (as far as I can remember it) that runs at least three times per game on every Phillies radio broadcast:
MAN: Come on, throw it in there!
(crowd cheering, Announcer voice-over for Hatfield Phillies Franks)
MAN: Put some mustard on it, will ya?
(more cheering, more Announcer voice-over)
MAN: What a dog!
WOMAN: Knock it off, Fred! The neighbors will call the police...again.
PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP! Three times per game times 162 games, that's 486 times total. You figure I listen to parts of 50 games on the radio every year, so that's 150 times this year I might end up hearing this putrescent ode to processed pork with distinct overtones of domestic violence. I'll pay good money if you can make it stop. I'm not joking. E-mail me today.
Below is the text of an ad (as far as I can remember it) that runs at least three times per game on every Phillies radio broadcast:
MAN: Come on, throw it in there!
(crowd cheering, Announcer voice-over for Hatfield Phillies Franks)
MAN: Put some mustard on it, will ya?
(more cheering, more Announcer voice-over)
MAN: What a dog!
WOMAN: Knock it off, Fred! The neighbors will call the police...again.
PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP! Three times per game times 162 games, that's 486 times total. You figure I listen to parts of 50 games on the radio every year, so that's 150 times this year I might end up hearing this putrescent ode to processed pork with distinct overtones of domestic violence. I'll pay good money if you can make it stop. I'm not joking. E-mail me today.
TUBE STEAK BOOGIE
Below is the text of an ad (as far as I can remember it) that runs at least three times per game on every Phillies radio broadcast:
MAN: Come on, throw it in there!
(crowd cheering, Announcer voice-over for Hatfield Phillies Franks)
MAN: Put some mustard on it, will ya?
(more cheering, more Announcer voice-over)
MAN: What a dog!
WOMAN: Knock it off, Fred! The neighbors will call the police...again.
PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP! Three times per game times 162 games, that's 486 times total. You figure I listen to parts of 50 games on the radio every year, so that's 150 times this year I might end up hearing this putrescent ode to processed pork with distinct overtones of domestic violence. I'll pay good money if you can make it stop. I'm not joking. E-mail me today.
Below is the text of an ad (as far as I can remember it) that runs at least three times per game on every Phillies radio broadcast:
MAN: Come on, throw it in there!
(crowd cheering, Announcer voice-over for Hatfield Phillies Franks)
MAN: Put some mustard on it, will ya?
(more cheering, more Announcer voice-over)
MAN: What a dog!
WOMAN: Knock it off, Fred! The neighbors will call the police...again.
PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP! Three times per game times 162 games, that's 486 times total. You figure I listen to parts of 50 games on the radio every year, so that's 150 times this year I might end up hearing this putrescent ode to processed pork with distinct overtones of domestic violence. I'll pay good money if you can make it stop. I'm not joking. E-mail me today.
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO MAKE UP
I knew the New York Times editorial integrity was slipping a bit, but today's issue is ridiculous.
Howell Raines, have you no shame?
I knew the New York Times editorial integrity was slipping a bit, but today's issue is ridiculous.
Howell Raines, have you no shame?
ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO MAKE UP
I knew the New York Times editorial integrity was slipping a bit, but today's issue is ridiculous.
Howell Raines, have you no shame?
I knew the New York Times editorial integrity was slipping a bit, but today's issue is ridiculous.
Howell Raines, have you no shame?
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
SCAM SPAM
From my inbox:
My Dear,
My name is Musa Ahrey the son of Dakoba Ahrey, I am still a student of University of Lagos, Please I want you to help me in doing one thing for me. My late father deposited the sum of U$20Million with a local bank here in Nigeria (GLOBAL BANK NIG PLC), my late father wanted to send the money to his friend in USA unlucky for him he died and right now I don't know my father's friend address. All I want you to do for me is to send your account where the money will be transferred as the owner of the money. My dear I have decided to share the money as follows 50% for me 40% to my business partner while 10% will be for you as my eyes over there.
Isn't that just a touching story? Poor kid. As it happens, my bank account is, uh, at the dry cleaners. So, come on TCP readership, let's help Musa out! Send me your bank account number, with the routing transit number, and I'll contact Musa and have him deposit the 20 Million smackers in there today. Pretty soon, you'll be pulling out of the Jaguar dealership with some new wheels after you get your share of the loot.
And that "My Dear" thing has absolutely nothing to do with that week I spent in Lagos when I was in college. Musa is just a friend, I swear.
From my inbox:
My Dear,
My name is Musa Ahrey the son of Dakoba Ahrey, I am still a student of University of Lagos, Please I want you to help me in doing one thing for me. My late father deposited the sum of U$20Million with a local bank here in Nigeria (GLOBAL BANK NIG PLC), my late father wanted to send the money to his friend in USA unlucky for him he died and right now I don't know my father's friend address. All I want you to do for me is to send your account where the money will be transferred as the owner of the money. My dear I have decided to share the money as follows 50% for me 40% to my business partner while 10% will be for you as my eyes over there.
Isn't that just a touching story? Poor kid. As it happens, my bank account is, uh, at the dry cleaners. So, come on TCP readership, let's help Musa out! Send me your bank account number, with the routing transit number, and I'll contact Musa and have him deposit the 20 Million smackers in there today. Pretty soon, you'll be pulling out of the Jaguar dealership with some new wheels after you get your share of the loot.
And that "My Dear" thing has absolutely nothing to do with that week I spent in Lagos when I was in college. Musa is just a friend, I swear.
DIRTY BLOG
When I heard about this, I thought I'd follow suit.
THIS IS A DRILL! THIS IS ONLY A DRILL!
If this had been an actual blog entry, it might have been somewhat funny, and you might have been directed to link to it. Please ignore it as you normally would, and continue searching for information on the CROSSBOW HOME GYM or the BOWFLEX HOME GYM or KAREN GRASSLE NUDE or whatever.
Thank you for your cooperation, from the Department of Blogland Security.
When I heard about this, I thought I'd follow suit.
If this had been an actual blog entry, it might have been somewhat funny, and you might have been directed to link to it. Please ignore it as you normally would, and continue searching for information on the CROSSBOW HOME GYM or the BOWFLEX HOME GYM or KAREN GRASSLE NUDE or whatever.
Thank you for your cooperation, from the Department of Blogland Security.
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