BYE, JINGO?

As I do many Sundays, I parked in front of the television watching sports yesterday. There was a full bill of fare, including the men's college basketball tournament, the Players Championship golf tournament, and the first major championship of the Women's golf tour this season, the Kraft Nabisco Championship. The Kraft Nabisco Championship particularly intrigued me for two reasons, one being the presence of the 6-foot tall, 13-year-old Michelle Wie, who can outdrive all the adult women on the tour, and the expected battle between two-time defending champion Annika Sorenstam and the Frenchwoman Patricia Meunier-Lebouc. I watched the final pairing of Sorenstam and Meunier-Lebouc very closely, looking to see if any of the yokels in the crowd would give the Frenchwoman a hard time. This was, after all, Rancho Mirage, CA, near Palm Springs, also known as the place that elected Sonny Bono to Congress.

Much to my delight and surprise, everyone acted like perfect gentlemen and ladies, and when Meunier-Lebouc unexpectedly outdueled Sorenstam and brought a two-shot lead to the final hole, the gallery at the 18th, mostly consisting of corporate executives, old geezers, and various other People of Ungodly Wealth, i.e., Republicans, stood and cheered as the final group walked past. After Meunier-Lebouc finally tapped in the winning putt, once again the crowd exulted, and then urged the French champion to uphold the long tradition of jumping into the pond near the final green. After signing her scorecard, Patricia, along with her husband and her caddy, merrily obliged, and the throng once more cheered the soaking wet winner. It was a terrific scene and made for great television. For a brief moment, I was proud of the American sports spectator, who had put aside feelings of nationalism, the fighting in Iraq, and the diplomatic situation with our ally, France, and had given this French citizen her due as the winner of this prestigious championship with all the fervor they could muster.



But then, I realized, they mostly wanted to see if her nipples would show through her blouse.



And after that, I realized, so did I. They didn't. So I switched over to the NCAA basketball tournament to check out the cheerleaders.

YET EVEN MORE WAR-LARITY FROM TEXAS



Yes, this little Iraq conflict has its lighter moments, as my arch-conservative brother-in-law notes...



I thought you might enjoy this photograph of one of the US Air Force's latest high technology stealth fighter bomber aircraft. It's being prepared to depart for an "unnamed" air base in the Middle East. Of course it goes without saying that you should treat this picture as very confidential, and control any further unsecured distribution of it.

MAMMA MIA



Seen on a t-shirt at the gym today: "I am an Italian Princess"



All I can say is, now I know why Italy got rid of their monarchy.

EVEN MORE STUFF MY RIGHT-WING TEXAN BROTHER-IN-LAW SENDS ME



You know the drill.







This photo was debunked at snopes.com last October. Not that I care much for Daschle, but it's the principle of the thing.

MORE STUFF MY RIGHT-WING TEXAN BROTHER-IN-LAW SENDS ME



In this continuing feature, here is another e-mail from my brother-in-law, who is "keeping it real" deep-in-a-hearta.

MERCAPTAN OF INDUSTRY



My wife, seemingly along with the rest of a tired, weary nation, has finally succumbed to the Atkins Diet. Since I approach most things in my marriage much like the French approached World War II (quick surrender followed by a plucky underground resistance), I am also, for the time being, on the Atkins Diet. This particular regime entails the consumption of large amounts of protein and limited amounts of carbohydrates. To that end, we have been eating a significant amount of leafy and/or stalky green vegetables, such as asparagus. Asparagus has a unique property in that it can cause one's, how shall we say, urine, to, how shall we say, stink. Being an industrious sort, and armed with a high-speed link to a world of information, I discovered that the cause of the stinky pee is a chemical compound known as methyl mercaptan. This is the same compound that is mixed with natural gas so that if the gas starts to leak, a foul odor will be detected. Evidently, methyl mercaptan is a by-product of the digestion process, and accumulates in the bladder within minutes of eating the offending sprouts.



Furthermore, it seems that in a study done by someone whose donors have far more money than sense, only about 40% of all adults tested are capable of producing methyl mercaptan in their urine after eating asparagus, and an even smaller percentage can smell the methyl mercaptan they produce. Apparently, this "ability" is genetically determined.



Well, as you may have already gleaned, I'm a producer and a smeller. This is certainly one of the prouder moments of my life. Not only do I now have one recognizable talent, but two!

WI THE FI?



I just got back from Starbucks, where I was testing out my new Wi-Fi wireless modem for my Pocket PC. It works great, but for some reason, I can't update TCP from there.



The fact that this really disappoints me, not to mention that I even tried it to begin with, I believe amply certifies me as one of the biggest geeks in the universe.

STUFF MY RIGHT-WING TEXAN BROTHER-IN-LAW SENDS ME



My brother-in-law from Texas is a Texas A&M graduate who also works in the oil business. For some unfathomable reason, he e-mails me stuff. In what may just become a recurring item, because God knows I could use some ideas, here is a recent example:



Subject: Dixie Chicks In The News!











TCP, keeping watch on the pulse in the trenches of the man on the street in Middle America since, oh, this afternoon.

SADDAM HAS LEFT THE BUILDING?



In what must be record time, a conspiracy theorist has already spotted possibly deceased Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein pumping gas into his car in the Western United States. "Yup, it was Saddam, all right," claimed unemployed welder Clyde Drucker of Winnemucca, Nevada. "I was picking up a Slurpee at the 7-11, and there was Hussein, filling up his Chrysler Le Baron with hi-test. Damnedest thing I ever saw."



Hussein may have been killed by a precision U.S. bombing raid on Wednesday night, but Drucker is hearing none of it. "Oh, come on, are you kidding me? That's what the government would like you to believe. First it was Roswell, then Elvis, and now this. But I seen him, I'm telling you. He was wearing jeans, an 'Old Navy' t-shirt, and snakeskin boots. Now how could I make that up?" The FBI and CIA have refused comment. "See?" asked Drucker.

CHIEF WEAPONS INSPECTOR



Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President earlier this week that the military would use "shock and awe" in its campaign against Saddm Hussein's regime.



Bush replied, "Oh, we're gonna send in Injun's? Good thinkin', Rummy. They're expendamable."

MARCH MADNESS!



Ok, everybody, get your brackets and your entry fee back to me by tonight at 8 PM. I've filled in the first "casualty" already, for your convenience.

IT'S OK. RUMSFELD WILL TELL US ALL WE NEED TO KNOW ANYWAY



All I can say for our intrepid network journalists is: Ernie Pyle and Ed Murrow they ain't.

MEANWHILE AT NEVERLAND, MICHAEL JACKSON ASKS HIMSELF "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?"



Gotta love those crazy Northwest flight attendants.

TOP TEN WAYS TEXAS IS COMMEMORATING ITS 300TH EXECUTION



10. (Sorry. I screwed up and lost this audio file. Dammit.) Giant cake in the shape of "Old Sparky".



9. audblog audio post



8. audblog audio post



7. audblog audio post



6. audblog audio post



5. audblog audio post



4. audblog audio post



3. audblog audio post



2. audblog audio post



And the Number 1 way Texas is commemorating its 300th execution is:



1. audblog audio post



Well, that's it for audblog. If I ever get the urge to blow another nine bucks, please stop me.

ONLY TEN MORE TO GO!!!



Sorry about that last one. This one is only slightly better, but there is something there as opposed to me taunting you. There are a few seconds of silence at the beginning, so don't stop it until the end.



audblog audio post



You don't know hard it was to synch up the synthesized voice with the beep on the audblog recorder. I must have spent 10 minutes trying to get it even that good.

THE GREATEST AUDIO BLOG POST EVER



audblog audio post



Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back. Only 11 left!

SICK OF SIGMA



Sorry about not posting much this week. I've been assigned to a Six Sigma team. Despite the Greek-sounding name, it bears little resemblance to a fraternity, except for the vaguely satanic initiation rites. Actually, it's a systematic problem solving process popularized by Jack Welch, former CEO of GE, using many of the statistical methods of W. Edwards Demingzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry.



In other news, I still have 13 more audio blogs left. Make that 12.



audblog audio post

SAILING TAKES ME AWAY



Switzerland, a country with no coastline, won the America's Cup this past weekend.



To fully comprehend the momentousness of this unlikely accomplishment, imagine if, for example, the Jamaicans had actually won the Olympic bobsled competition. Or if the Americans had won the International Cricket World Cup. Or, to get really crazy, if, say, Yasir Arafat and Henry Kissinger each won, for instance, a Nobel Peace Prize!!!



Oh. I guess it wasn't such a big deal after all.

CAN YOU DO JACK NICHOLSON?



Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, alleged mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, has been captured in Pakistan. The FBI describes him as "a master of disguise". Here, take a look for yourself:







Wow. Let's see, he took off his shaikh headdress, put in some contacts, trimmed his beard, and put on a suit. Amazing! I can barely recognize him. No wonder the FBI had such a hard time finding him.



Now, here's Khaild's impression of a guy who's been beaten senseless for the last four or five hours:







Simply put, a tour de force in the art of masquerade. Bravo!

HIS MASTER'S VOICE



audblog audio post

ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD



Phillies......................1

Pirates......................0

Bottom 5th



Enough said.

REFINERY WEEKLY NEWS & NOTES



Production: Yes

Safety: Some

Environmental: Not so much

---

WEEKLY SAFETY SLOGAN CONTEST



The weekly safety slogan contest continues. Get your slogan in to The Safety Department by Friday to be eligible. Slogans that contain profanity, lewdness, sexual double entendres and rampant grammatical errors will continue to be rejected.

---

HEALTH AND FITNESS NEWS



As it turns out, exercise is good for you! If you can possibly drag yourself to the gym after a soul destroying day at work, we highly recommend it. If not, well, try, um, I don't know, walking more or something. Or buy one of those CROSSBOW HOME GYMs.

---

NEWS YOU CAN USE



Arbor Day is coming up. Plant a tree to help release some of that massive guilt that's been building up because you're a cog in the great petroleum machine.

---

BLOOD DRIVE



WE NEED BLOOD! We're so desperate, we've decided to toss out that silly sexual history questionnaire. We figure, it's better to get some blood and contract HIV than to lay there and die. It should be good for the pharmaceutical companies, anyway.

---

ETHICS LINE

1-800-YEAH-RIGHT



"Make Us Some Money, And Try Not To Get Yourself Blown Up"

YO! SOUTH PHILLY SALUTES YA



Philadelphia crime figure Sonny "Big Trousers" Caramundo expressed his appreciation today at the deal struck by Turkey with the United States to provide support for the imminent war with Iraq.



"That was really somethin'," said Caramundo, a noted shakedown artist with a region-wide reputation. "That was like that time I 'negotiated' with Billy 'Pipe Cleaner' for him to pay me a grand a week or he'd wake up with broken knees. But six billion bucks and $10 billion in loans! Wow, I'm just seriously impressed. I'm gonna have to up my asking price after this one."



After making the pact with the U.S., Turkish leader Tayyip Erdogan said, "We do not want to cast a shadow on our strategic friendship with the United States."



"Huh, that was almost exactly what I said to Louie 'Blue Nose' when I came around collectin' for the Christmas shakes. That Tayyip, he's a real pro," added Caramundo.

I THINK SHE'S TURNING JAPANESE, I REALLY THINK SO



Excuse me, but when did Valerie Bertinelli become Asian?







Just wondering...

NOW YOU KNOW WHY THOSE ACTRESSES TRY TO STAY SO SKINNY







No, this isn't real, just some fun I had with Microsoft Paint. Seems pretty plausible though, doesn't it?

THIS JUST IN...IT'S SNOWING



I've coined a new term for the ceaseless, breathless coverage of winter storms on the Philadelphia TV news shows: The Snowgasm.



Kathy Orr must have broken in 5 times during Tiger Woods' sleepwalk to another golf championship to tell us...what, exactly? "We have a live camera on Center City, and there's still this collection of white, fluffy wet objects falling from the sky! It's like, been doing this for hours! Don't go outside!! Don't drive your cars!!! One to two feet are expected and, uh, uhhh, UHHHH, UHHHHH!!!!!! OH YES! OH MY GOD YES!!!!"



This stuff is even worse during sweeps month, which it happens to be right now. They know we're all trapped in our houses, and we all have this morbid fascination with seeing news reporters suffer hypothermia standing out in the cold, so this is an absolute ratings bonanza. They can all practically count their overtime checks and bonuses. If the storm lasts much longer, I fully expect to see a sports guy and a Sunday female anchor in flagrante delicto in a snow bank on 4th and Chestnut. This just in! indeed.

IT'S OFFICIAL: I SUCK!



Well, the votes are in, and by a 2 to 1 margin, you hate me!







I'd like to thank my mother, for raising me to be such a putz, and the two people who voted for me, or rather against me.



And for the person who voted for me...what's your problem? Can't you recognize putrescence when you see it?

FOR HIS MANY FANS



It's...SIMON COWELL NUDE!











Yeah, I know, I've done this joke twice before. I'm busy, OK?

DON'T WORRY, BEE HAPPY



Hey, everybody! It's St. Modomnoc's Day! That's right. I'm sure you know the whole story, but I'll tell it anyway. St. Modomnoc was an Irish bishop and a disciple of St. David of Wales. Sometimes called Domnoc or Dominic, he was a member of the royal Irish family of O’Neil and ended his years as a hermit at Tibraghny in Kilkenny. When Modomnoc returned to Wales after studying with St. David, swarms of bees left Scotland to follow him, thus supposedly being introduced to Ireland.



So, get out there and buy some honey! Or, you know, visit a bee hive. Or whatever. Or you can follow the "swarm" tomorrow and succumb to the pressure of the greeting card, floral, and chocolate industry. And did you realize that St. Valentine's actual feast day is January 7th? What's up with that?

GIVE ME SOME MONEY



Oh, yeah, also, it's pledge week at not one, but two public radio stations here in Philly.



...



What do you think, network bandwidth is free? Pony up some dough, you ingrates! This is some high quality, well, not exactly comedy, but somewhat amusing observational, well, not quite humor, but, oh, whatever. PayPal will be fine.

QUICK ETHICAL QUESTION



Ok, which of these two kinds of people is slathered with more K-Y jelly on the express slide down to Hell?



a. Someone who would sell Space Shuttle Columbia debris on e-Bay



or



b. Someone who would buy Space Shuttle Columbia debris on e-Bay?



Please discuss and get back to me.

STILL TIED UP, BUT NOT LIKE THAT CHICK ON "JOE MILLIONAIRE"



I'm all better now after the illness I contracted during training class. Ok, it wasn't an illness, it was a cold, but it could have been an illness if it had applied itself. Right now, I'm waiting for some guy from Seattle to show up and install some software. While I'm waiting, I'm trying to check out a video from Tatu, a teen singing group in the UK which has been banned from "Top Of The Pops" for being "pedo-pop". You know, when I hear about censorship in any form, I simply need to investigate for myself to determine the important relevant issues, and this case is certainly no exception. In fact, this is whatever the opposite of an exception is.



Ok, I saw it. Imagine Britney Spears, circa "Hit Me Baby One Time" only not as old looking, with a female friend of the same age, making out in the rain in some sort of open air prison cell. Um, has R. Kelly seen this? I wouldn't let him watch it if I were the authorities. I mean, even I think this should be banned. Yeesh.

I WIN



Remember that time you were really, really sick? I feel worse.



Don't even bother. I'm sicker than you were. Get over it.

SEE YOU...WHENEVER



I've got absolutely nothing today, but I did want to let you know, my little Crossbow Home Gym searchers, that I will be out of commission for at least the rest of this week and possibly for some time after that. We're putting in a new software application, and I'll be at training this week and working on the installation next week and thereafter until we get done. That's right, I have ... work (lightning bolt, thunder clap, and sound of scary organ music) to do. Yuck. I may be able to lend you my pithy observations here and there over the next few weeks, but for the most part, you'll have to make do with...the entire rest of the Internet. I know it will be difficult, but together, somehow, we'll manage.

TO ALL MY WEIDERS



As I was castigated by one of my accidental readers yesterday, there is in fact such a thing as a "Crossbow Home Gym". The reason I mention the "Crossbow Home Gym", other than to attract more accidental readers, is to say that I'm pretty skeptical about the "Crossbow Home Gym". I used to own a Soloflex, which is the "Crossbow Home Gym" with rubber bands instead of tubes, and here's pretty much how that went down:



- I bought the Soloflex for more money than I'd ever seen in one place.

- The Soloflex arrived in three or four cardboard boxes which weighed slightly more than Jupiter.

- I found a nice spot in my apartment and put the Soloflex together, which burned about 3500 calories by itself.

- My landlord stopped by and told me to move the Soloflex, because it was on a carpet and he said it would get the carpet greasy. The Soloflex is made of steel and has no grease anywhere on it. My landlord was and surely still is a certifiable knucklehead.

- I moved the Soloflex to a less desirable location, burning another 3500 calories.

- I used the Soloflex 3 times a week for 12 weeks, just like it says in the directions. Well, maybe 2 times a week some weeks. Well, since I had to stick it in a spare bedroom with no access to a TV or stereo system, and oh yeah, I'm really, really LAZY, I kinda stopped using it altogether on some weeks. Ok, every week.

- I put the Soloflex back in the cardboard boxes (3500 more calories!).

- I sold the Soloflex for an amount of money I was eminently familiar with.



For all my troubles, I burned about 10,500 calories putting it together, moving it, and taking it apart, plus the few hundred I burned actually using it as intended. I'm thinking the "Crossbow Home Gym" would yield similar results, except I now own instead of rent, so the calories expended would drop by 3500.



And, of course, I'd miss all those warm, wonderful, kind, and thoughtful people down at my health club...

YOU'LL READ IT AND LIKE IT!



Let's see...



Nothing humorously interesting has happened to me in the last few weeks. I am not currently angry about anything. The news is a relentless drumbeat of depressing sameness. It's too cold to go watch movies or otherwise leave the house. Television has settled into a fragmented patchwork of lame reality shows, bad sitcoms, derivative cop shows, and endless cable re-runs. My football teams have been eliminated from contention. Baseball is weeks away. I am deep in the middle of my Seasonal Affective Disorder. The book I am reading is leaden and lifeless. Work is...work.



Nope. You ain't gettin' no blog entry today!



Except for that cop-out above, of course. Boy, I must be the only blogger campaigning for negative Blizg votes.

D.I.Y.



Write your own joke:



The Bush Administration wants to administer literacy tests to pre-school children who take part in the federal Head Start program.



Here's one: The tests will be rolled out as soon as they find one that the President can pass.



Submit yours today!

TOP TEN '"AL SHARPTON FOR PRESIDENT" CAMPAIGN SLOGANS



10. "Nuttier Than Alan Keyes, With Half The Integrity"

9. "OK, White America, If It Makes You Feel Any Better, Tawana Lied. Can We Move On Now?"

8. "Elect Me, And Nicole's Real Killer Will Be Found"

7. "More Controversial Than Jesse Jackson, With Half The Vocabulary"

6. "If Elected, I'll Make Don King An Ambassador, So At Least We'll Get Rid Of Him"

5. "I Will Help The Downtrodden, Like Michael Jackson"

4. "I'm Smarter Than Bush, And I Even Look Better In A Cowboy Hat"

3. "I'm Not Hillary"

2. "If I'm Still Too Fat, No Problem, Just Throw Me In Jail Again"



And the Number 1 "Al Sharpton For President" campaign slogan is:



1. "At Least You're Paying Attention To Me"

WOULD I LIE?



Sorry, no entry today. I was kind of busy at work, as revolting as that sounds. However, if you look through my past entries, you will discover:



a. The key to Revelations

b. The Kentucky Fried Chicken secret recipe

c. The missing 18-1/2 minutes of the Nixon Watergate tapes, and the identity of Deep Throat

d. The end of split ends forever!



So get digging!

DAVID MANNING: "LOVED IT, UH, THEM, WHATEVER!"



In an unprecedented move, the films "National Security" and "Kangaroo Jack" agreed to merge, forming the film "National Jack".



Columbia Pictures and Warner Brothers, which released the two films, agreed to the merger yesterday after analyzing data from advanced screenings. "We've established that the two films have essentially the same story, the same characters, and the same theme, and are equally as lousy, and that it would be foolish to show the films separately in twice as many theaters as they can support," said a spokesman.



According to the merger agreement drawn up by the two parties, the merger will be accomplished by editing .466 frames of "National Security" in with every frame of "Kangaroo Jack". "Kangaroo Jack" Producer Jerry Bruckheimer added, "I was actually thinking of moving the whole thing to Los Angeles and hiring Martin Lawrence to play the Kangaroo, so this move is really the best of all possible worlds."



The two companies have announced that synergies from combining the two films could run into the tens of millions.

DO NOT READ THIS



Ever wnder what it's    lke to have a migraine? Well, it's kinda like

this. You have                   this blind spot on your fierld of vision and you

pretty much                           can't form proper senternces and you

talk gibber                                   ish and you feel like you're gonna

die reallt                                       soon and you just

as soon                                         would rather go

to bed and                                   your head is ponding

and you are                             dizzy and trust me

it basically kinda                   sucks and I would't

reccommend it to any         one, frankly.

CBT ME



Things I like about computer-based training:



- Very easy to turn it off and read "The Onion" instead.

- Hard to obsess over the instructor's bald spot.

- No uncomfortable conversation about the Iraqi situation with the hotel shuttle driver.

- Temptation to eat 27 Krispy Kreme Chocolate Iced donuts in one morning is nearly non-existent.

- Zero chance of being cavity searched by security personnel.



Things I don't like about computer-based training:



- No tent cards. I don't really like tent cards, I just like saying "tent cards".

- No complimentary bars of soap, bottles of shampoo, towels, bedspreads, clock radios, TV's (boy, are they hard to pack, and I always forget to take the remote), etc.

- No "return from business trip" sex.

- Missing of Free Continental Breakfast.

- Zero chance of being cavity searched by security personnel. I have my moods.

AT LEAST IT'LL BE WARM IN FRONT OF THE TV



At 12 Noon, I will be logging on to buy Eagles NFC Championship Game tickets. I figure I ought to see some of the most obscure and bewildering messages for why I can't access the Ticketmaster server. I will post them here in this space later today after my quest is thwarted by various ticket brokers who have hired hackers to stage what are sure to become dueling Denial Of Service attacks.



UPDATE: It was pretty anti-climactic. All I got were blank screens, and the little blue progress thingy on the bottom of the browser, until about 12:12, when there was a message that tickets were no longer available. C'est la guerre.

MILLIONS VOLUNTEER TO CONDUCT STRIP SEARCH



The crack journalists at Reuters have committed countless funds and man-hours to the question that has been plaguing the world for months. Their tentative answer: No.



White House spokesman Ari Fleischer released a statement today saying the President has no comment on the conclusions, but that the Clinton Administration should be blamed for "coddling" on this issue, and for "putting us in the position we are today." "We could know better, and we should know better, and if anyone could have obtained the information, it was Bill Clinton," said Fleischer.



I have also conducted my own exhaustive web search for evidence, which took up most of the morning, examining hundreds of examples of forensic photography, and to this point, I have to agree with Reuters. But if you think I'm giving up that easily, that's where you are mistaken. The search will continue until all possible leads have been followed. In fact, this investigation should promise to make Hans Blix' little operation look like a Girl Scout scavenger hunt.

NOT IN THE MOOD TODAY



Sorry, folks. No lame attempt at humor today. A work acquaintance of mine died yesterday on the US Airways Express plane that crashed in Charlotte. He was the guy I wrote this about.



So, say a prayer for his wife and two little kids, if you're into that sort of thing.



Mike, you will be missed.

CONGRATULATIONS!



Anna Nicole Smith topped Mr. Blackwell's 43rd annual Worst Dressed List for 2002.



In related news, Mr. Blackwell topped the list for Most Irrelevant Self-Important Washed-Up Has-Been/Never-Was for the 43rd straight year.

AL-KITTY



It turns out the recent FBI terrorism warning about five foreigners entering the country illegally was a hoax.



However, the FBI has issued a new terrorism warning based on information gained from another informant about two other foreigners who have entered the country several years ago. They've released a photo of the suspects.



The FBI says the suspects are experts in using biological agents and psychological warfare methods, and should be considered dangerous.

TIM MILLIONAIRE



Sorry, I've been gone a few days. I went out to LA for a modeling shoot. I thought it went pretty well. I just got the photos e-mailed to me.



I was a little cold here. That's why my arms are crossed, and um, it isn't so big.



I felt pretty comfortable in this one. Jeez, I must have been thinking about Karen Grassle NUDE! there.



This was me doing my sundial imitation.



I'm hoping for my own TV show out of this, if not on FOX then maybe on that PrideVision channel up in Canada.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...HIM



Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'll be spending it at a birthday party...for somebody else.



If this state of affairs doesn't describe my existence to this point, I don't know what does.

VH-HUH?



My wife and I spent New Year's Eve watching "Top 100 One Hit Wonders" on VH-1. It started at 9 PM, and went until 2 AM. It wasn't exactly Times Square, but I did learn a lot of useless trivia. Since most of you were inebriated at the time of the show's airing, I will relate the highlights to you.



- The lead singer of Bow Wow Wow ("I Want Candy") is Burmese.

- There was no such person named "C.W. McCall" of "Convoy" fame. The name was made up for a series of commercials from which the song arose.

- Michael Sembello wrote "Maniac" for a horror movie soundtrack. The producers of "Flashdance" called, said they loved the song, and asked him to change the words.

- Lipps, Inc. ("Funkytown") was really a white guy.

- Andrea True from the Andrea True Connection ("More, More, More") was a porn star.

- "867-5309" was the phone number of people in over 100 area codes.

- Minnie Riperton ("Loving You"), who died of breast cancer in 1979, is the mother of Maya Rudolph from the cast of "Saturday Night Live"

- Paul Shaffer was a co-writer on "It's Raining Men". Yes, that Paul Shaffer.

- Martha Wash of The Weather Girls ("It's Raining Men") also sings on C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)", but was considered too overweight to appear in the video.

- The Tom Tom Club ("Genius Of Love") included Chris Frantz and Tina Weymouth from Talking Heads. I should have known this, but I didn't.

- Nick Gilder ("Hot Child In The City") is a full-on freak. That's really an opinion, but I'm sure it is shared by a majority of viewers.

- The Verve sampled the Rolling Stones to make "Bittersweet Symphony", got into big trouble, and broke up. Another one I missed.

- Debbie Boone ("You Light Up My Life") was briefly married to Rob Halford of Judas Priest, before Halford came out of the closet.

- David Letterman starred on the Starland Vocal Band's ("Afternoon Delight") short-lived variety show.

- EMF ("Unbelievable") stands for Epsom Mad Funkers.

- Wild Cherry ("Play That Funky Music") named themselves after the Ludens Cough Drops of the same name.

- Dexy's Midnight Runners ("Come On Eileen") named themselves after the amphetamine Dexedrine.

- "The Macarena" is still the stupidest thing ever invented. Yes, another opinion, but once again well substantiated.

- Being a one-hit wonder is dangerous to your health. At least 10 of the band members on the list died before their 40th birthday.



I made up one of the above "facts". It's fairly easy to spot and confirm. But please feel free to spread it like wildfire so that it becomes true for all intents and purposes.

TOP TEN POSSIBLE FUTURE BENEFITS OF RAELIAN CLONING



10. Raelians will be able to kick Scientologists' asses.

9. Cult of Celine Dion will no longer be so prominent.

8. French waiters to be replaced by clones if they continue to be snotty.

7. Cloning of Jerry Lewis means hundreds more muscular dystrophy telethons.

6. French Olympic pairs ice skating judges to be cloned; extra supply will lower market price.

5. Jean-Claude Van Damme clones to patrol major cities - no, wait, he's Belgian. Oh, well, whatever, same difference.

4. Thousands of clones to infiltrate Iraqi regime, begin surrendering to U.S. immediately.

3. Montreal Expos sign team of Ted Williams' clones, win World Series.

2. More organs available for transplant when Raelians inevitably commit mass suicide.



And the number 1 benefit of Raelian cloning is:



1. Gerard Depardieux!

POST NO POSTS



I was checking in to see if I had posted anything.



Nope, guess not.



I'm submitting this post to that Ev guy as the worst post in the history of blogging. Wish me luck.

ADVERTISE RESPONSIBLY



Today on TCP, we'll take a look at the Smirnoff Ice ad called "Laundry", perhaps putting more thought into it than the advertising agency ever did. The ad begins with two 20-ish guys doing their laundry, seemingly late at night, at a hip, edgy, urban laundromat presumably near where lots of 20-ish hip, edgy people live, and they are drinking Smirnoff Ice. The song "Kick You Out" by the band "Caesar's Palace" is playing very loudly in the background. This is your basic retro/punk/electronica type music the kids today love so much. (By the way, naming your band "Caesar's Palace" is pretty stupid, since it ensures that no one will ever find you on Google. See, there's this little casino with the same name, you may have heard of it.)







Let's pause. First of all, these guys look like they might do their laundry maybe once every six months. They make The Young Ones look like characters from a Whit Stillman film. And they are drinking while doing their laundry. This can't be a good thing. Smirnoff Ice is not even vodka, it's a "malt beverage", meaning it's about one step away from Colt .45. At the very least, they'll mix the whites and colored so their underwear turns all pink. I wouldn't even want to contemplate the worst-case scenario.



Next, into the laundromat walk three hot 20-ish women with varying degrees of midriff showing.







Now, what are the chances that just when these two guys are making their bi-annual trek to the laundromat in the middle of the night that three hot, flesh-baring babes are going to walk in? Not very good, but I guess this is why they've elected to capture the moment on film. Mister Guy-without-beard looks at the chicks, Mr. Guy-with-beard looks at his Smirnoff Ice, and then they decide to start dumping laundry soap into the unused washing machines.







Naturally, they do this because they've seen the Brady Bunch episode where Bobby does his own laundry. You know what happens next.







This sets off a wild party where the babes suddenly go nuts and start dancing as if they are seasoned professionals, if you know what I mean.



.



Now we really have to pause here and contemplate what has happened. Ok, I get that laundry soap causes sudsing, but enough to completely engulf an entire laundromat? How much soap did they bring with them? They only do their laundry twice a year, as we've already established, so it can't be that much. Where did they manage to get all this laundry soap? Well, I guess we'll just have to accept it.



So, let's assume they physically could cause this to happen somehow. This being an urban laundromat, chances are it is owned by an immigrant, who came to this country looking for a better life, worked hard, saved his/her money, and finally, after decades of struggle, bought him/herself a laundromat. In about 5 seconds, Mr. Beard and Mr. No Beard have utterly and completely destroyed this poor man's/woman's dreams, just so they could party with some hot chicks, who look like they could have been had at far less of a price. The owner was probably not insured, so he or she will have to pick up the costs of cleanup, repair of the flooring, probably some electrical work, and more than likely the replacement of several industrial washing machines and dryers.



Finally, in the piece-de-resistance of the spot, one of the hot babes emerges from the ocean of suds and starts sidling up to Mr. No Beard. At this point, for no reason that I can fathom, she looks off into space and bites her lower lip with her entire row of front teeth.







It's as if the director said, "Those last few takes were pretty good, you looked sexy enough, but since we're targeting 15-19 year old boys here, who let's face it, drink lots of malt beverage, and we're trying to make you girls looks like you've had large portions of your cerebella removed so that you'll accept just about any excuse to have an orgy, could you give us a little something extra?"



We finish up the spot with the tag line.







Yes, that's correct, Intelligent Nightlife, which has now come to mean destroying a laundromat. And another thing: how can you drink Smirnoff Ice when you're standing in suds up to your shoulders? Don't the suds get in the bottle? That can't be good for it. Or maybe that's a serving suggestion.

MAN NOT WORKING



Today is my last workday for 2002. My supervisor came around about 6 weeks ago and told us to use up our vacation this year and not carry over anything into 2003. I scheduled three Fridays off in December, and everything after the 19th. Since this web log is primarily a vehicle for me to fill the yawning chasm that is often my workday, you probably won't be seeing many entries until January 2nd, unless I get a sudden inspiration of mild humorousness. To tide you over until then, here's a list of some of the things I will be doing for the next two weeks, courtesy of Thesaurus.com:



- Reclining in a somnolent state beyond the accustomed hour

- Perusing selected newsgroups for binary content of a delightful mien

- Slumbering in the post-meridian interval

- Procuring expeditiously prepared local cuisine from the comfort of my conveyance

- Engaging in ritual siestas

- Contemplating flickering images from a cathode ray tube

- Retiring in a punctual fashion



Happy days where you don't have to work, and stuff!

WATCH OUT, ANDY SULLIVAN



After several days of not mentioning the Crossbow Home Gym, Bowflex, Bitty Schram nude, Karen Grassle nude, or naked pictures of Simon Cowell, here are my page view stats:







Two people! I'm attributing this to the Christmas holidays coming up, the sagging ecomony, and Strom Thurmond's 100th birthday, among other things, and not, of course, to my complete lack of ideas.



Hey, I got a new watch! It has 6 different alarm settings, a stop watch, and can store up to 50 phone numbers! I'm still reading the manual to see if it can tell time. (Yes, I know I stole that joke from "Spy Kids 2". Leave me alone.)

TO INFINITY, AND BEYOND!



Pretend President George W. Bush has ordered that the national missile defense system be put into operation. In a statement, Bush said his goal was to "protect our citizens against what is perhaps the greatest danger of all -- catastrophic harm that may result from hostile states or terrorist groups armed with weapons of mass destruction and the means to deliver them." The decision came despite last week's failure of an anti-missile test over the Pacific Ocean.



In related news, the President has also ordered the following systems be put into operation:



- The Ronald W. Reagan Memorial Perpetual Motion Machine. "All of our energy worries will be solved, as soon as our crack scientists in the Pentagon overcome the 2nd law of thermodynamics," said an excited Bush.



- The Henry Hyde Memorial Cold Fusion Reactor. "Well, you know, in case the Perpetual Motion Machine doesn't cut it," the President related.



- The Bob Barr Memorial Escher Building. "It'll be great for fitness buffs. You can walk up stairs all day and never go anywhere," added Mr. Bush.



(Yes, I was able to post my usual dreck after all. The safety meeting didn't last as long as I thought. Just remember, you can't get half-formed, ill-considered jokes as good as these anywhere else, so keep coming back!)

SCARRED BY THE HELL



Well, miscellaneous Google searchers who clicked on the wrong link, I have a meeting, then a Christmas lunch, and then some emergency last-minute safety training this afternoon, so I won't have time to come up with my usual dreck. But here's a link to my on-line high school yearbook, so you can see what drove me to this life of cynical despair. I'm not going to tell you where to find me. You'll have to wade through all the bad haircuts yourself. Surfing tip: the 70's and 80's Italian afro guys (or as I like to call them, the 'Fro-meos) are good for some serious laughs.

TOP TEN PROBLEMS TRENT LOTT WAS REFERRING TO WHEN HE SAID A STROM THURMOND PRESIDENCY WOULD HAVE AVOIDED "ALL THESE PROBLEMS":



10. No Strom Thurmond Airport

9. Rampant literacy

8. Christina Aguilera

7. "The 700 Club" not being on in prime time on every major network

6. No cock fighting on the White House lawn

5. Free speech

4. Indoor plumbing

3. High dues at the "Hair Club for Men"

2. "The George Lopez Show". Well, he has a good point there.

And the number one problem Trent Lott was referring to when he said a Strom Thurmond presidency would have avoided "all these problems" is:

1. Umm...duh!

DEAR MR. MANKOFF



I was reading "The Naked Cartoonist", by Robert Mankoff, cartoon editor of the New Yorker, and I got some inspriration. Since I can't draw, I don't have a drawing tablet, and I only have Microsoft Paint, this was the best I could do.







Back to obscurity.

REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE!



Ok, the Bitty Schram pic was poor, but this Karen Grassle one (yes Google searchers, it's Karen Grassle NUDE!) is certified genuine.







And I'm off tomorrow, so today is my Friday!

EPLOIDS: THE NEW FLOOZ



With today's tasty lunch, which includes a snack of Sour Cream and Onion Lay's Potato Chips, I will have enough ePloids to obtain the Notebook and Gel Pen, which all the smart chemical engineers will be carrying in 2003. It's been a long time coming, and I think it's time for a celebration.



Unfortunately, I have a chronic gastro-intestinal disorder, so we'll have to postpone that. Can't wait for that Notebook and Gel Pen!!!

BITTY SCHRAM NUDE!



Due to overwhelming demand, I've done an exhaustive Internet search, scanning newsgroups, fan sites, and various sites of ill repute (where I've grudgingly come to accept that "absolutely free" = $5.95 per month). Unfortunately, the following image was the best I could come up with. It appears to be taken during an early modeling session for some sort of beach-related product:







Just remember: There's no crying in blogging!

OF COURSE IT'S GENUINE!



Today on TCP, we're interviewing Selma FitzHughes, the Insect Psychic. So, Selma, you can talk to insects, huh?



SELMA: Yes, Tim, it's been a gift I've had since I was a young child. Actually, I don't talk to them, I have a telepathic relationship.



TCP: Sure. Ok, my sister-in-law brought in an ant farm that her son is tending. What are they trying to tell you?



SELMA: Well, they are saying..."Oh, how we hate this constant marching back and forth inside this glass case for the benefit of that brat. And we don't even have a queen! How could they make an ant farm without a queen? What is this, a gay bar?" Something to that effect.



TCP: Wow, that's impressive. Now, each ant is saying that?



SELMA: Well, it's more like a psychic consensus.



TCP: Ok, there's a spider up there in the corner of the room. What is it saying?



SELMA: It's telling me, "I love being up here, looking down on Tim as he blows off the entire day on his computer. I've weaved him a special web, but he never notices. I think I'll pig out on aphids today."



TCP: That's truly amazing. But aren't spiders actually arachnids and not insects, per se?



SELMA: I can communicate telepathically with a variety of tiny species, up to and including horseshoe crabs.



TCP: Great. Ok, let's go for a drive.



SELMA: Sure.



TCP: We're out on the highway now.



SELMA: Oh my God! Look out! It's a wasp, NOOOO!!! (SPLAT!) He's just stunned, I think we better...watch out! AAAHHHH!!! You just maimed a monarch butterfly!! OOOOHH, that was a gnat! I think he's broken his wing! And there's a whole swarm of OHHHH MY GOD! You've killed at least 20 mosquitoes! Get me out of this car! Get me out!



TCP: Well, folks, as the guys in the white coats tend to Selma, let me just remind everyone, you too have the power to talk to insects, because, quite frankly, how can anyone prove you can't?

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the last (thank you God) in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is MTV.



SCENE: Irina calls Carmela to tell her that Tony has been having sex with her one-legged cousin, Svetlana.



EXTRA SCENE: Irina hangs up and calls Sharon Osbourne to tell her that Ozzy has been having sex with Svetlana's artificial leg.



SCENE: Tony sleeps at the shore house he is trying to buy after Carmela throws him out.



EXTRA SCENE: "Cribs" pops in to profile Tony's shore house. The highlight of the episode is when Tony repeatedly introduces one of the crew members to the bottom of the toilet bowl in his own unique way.



SCENE: Tony, Chris, Carmine, and Johnny Sack meet in the park to discuss a compromise on the HUD scam.



EXTRA SCENE: Johnny Knoxville and the boys from "Jackass" show up to tell the mobsters that they have the whole thing on tape, and then run like hell.



SCENE: Tony's guys on his yacht "The Stugotz" blast Dean Martin music at the lawyer who owns the shore house Tony no longer wants to buy because the lawyer won't return the deposit.



EXTRA SCENE: "Shore Thing Summer Sopranos Style" continues with a Frank Sinatra look-a-like contest, guest appearances by Ann-Margret and Joey Bishop, and a special TRL with Luciano Pavarotti in a Speedo.



This is it for the 4th season of "The Sopranos". This lame bit will be back next season, if this weblog makes it that long before dying of apathy and self-loathing. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everybody!

BUH BYE



It's snowing like the end times here in the Delaware Valley, so the refinery manager has declared that all non-essential personnel can go home for the day.



God, I love being non-essential!

LIKE SANDS THROUGH THE HOURGLASS



I'm taking tomorrow off, so today is my Friday! In New Zealand, it's Friday already, so there, yesterday would have been my Friday. Meaning my Wednesday here would have been my Friday there, had I traveled to New Zealand. Taking it a step further, tomorrow, Friday, which is my Saturday, it would have already been my Sunday there, which is my Saturday here, but in reality, it's Friday for everyone else, except in New Zealand, where it's Saturday. And Saturday here, which is my Sunday, is already Sunday there. Sunday, which is also my Sunday and everybody else's Sunday, is Monday there, so if I had traveled to New Zealand on Sunday, it would be like I never had a day off to begin with, even though I took Friday off, which was my Saturday. And of course, if I returned home on Monday there, it would still be Sunday here, so I would have to go to work the next day, meaning I would have 2 consecutive Mondays. But I'm taking next Friday off also, so next Monday is actually my next Tuesday.



It's a good thing I'm not going to New Zealand.

SHAMELESS PROMOTION



I'm going to be gone to an off-site meeting all day (and I am completely bereft of anything to say whatsoever), so I figured I'd use this entry to attract more traffic.



CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM

CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM

CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM

BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX

BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX

BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX



And for those using the Google image search:











Oh, and here are links to the real sites.

Crossbow

Bowflex



And please, buy one of these and use it if you currently go to my gym. Because if you go to my gym now, I most assuredly hate your guts and my life would be so much better if you stopped coming.



But seriously, steroids are the way to go if you want to look like those guys in the pictures.

ISN'T THAT SPECIAL?



I finally broke down and purchased the DVD of "Real Genius". I watched it last night, hence the cosmetic changes to the site. The DVD comes with the following "special features": English, German, and Spanish subtitles, scene selection, and trailers for the movies "Hook" and "Jumanji"(?). No director commentary, no outtakes, no deleted scenes, no "Making of" short, absolutely nothing that a fan who is buying this DVD might actually want. Thanks, Columbia Tri-Star Home Video! Way to market that baby! Of course, I and many others bought it without all that stuff, so they probably saved a fortune.



Favorite forgotten line: (Jerry Hathaway) "The colon. What does it look like?"

WHERE'S THE MAFIA WHEN YOU NEED IT?



Excuse me, there's something I have to do.



I HATE THAT FUCKING COMMERCIAL WHERE THE IDIOT SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS IN ST. MARK'S SQUARE THAT HE LOVES HIS WIFE AND THEN HE GIVES HER A DIAMOND! I FUCKING HATE IT!



I sincerely hope everyone responsible for this ad got a gondola pole stuck up their ass before they left Venice.

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is ESPN.



SCENE: A truck carrying a giant inflatable rat drives up and the Union President announces that the Esplanade job has been shut down.



EXTRA SCENE: The inflatable rat appears in a SportsCenter commercial with Al Davis. Al sues ESPN for $1 billion.



SCENE: Paulie Walnuts introduces himself to New York Boss Carmine, who has no idea who he is.



EXTRA SCENE: NFL Films is on hand to document Paulie's combination of fear, shock and embarrassment from six different angles and replay it in slow motion for decades to come, complete with Ron Jaworski's in-depth analysis.



SCENE: Meadow and Carmela dispute whether "Billy Budd" is a piece of gay fiction.



EXTRA SCENE: Stuart Scott does a post-fight interview. Carmela tells him if he calls her "dawg" one more time, she's going to rip his lungs out and bake them into a mostaccioli.



SCENE: Paulie breaks in to his mother's friend's house to steal the money under her mattress. He proceeds to suffocate her with a pillow when she walks in on him.



EXTRA SCENE: Paulie finishes first in the "Old Lady Snuff" during the "World's Strongest Mobster" competition.



NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: MTV

INSPIRED CHOICE



President-by-Supreme-Court-Fiat George W. Bush has tapped Henry Kissinger to lead a commission to investigate the government's failure to prevent the 9/11 attacks.



If you want a guy who knows about planning secret massive attacks on civilians, I couldn't think of a better man for the job!

WHYY OH WHY?



The local public radio station, WHYY, has a live audio stream on the Internet. Here is what usually happens when you try to access it during a weekday:







Now, I realize Philadelphia is not New York, and we're not Los Angeles, and we don't have a thriving city full of glitz and glamour, but we can't even listen to public radio on the Internet whenever we want? That's right, Philadelphia has to ration PUBLIC RADIO. How sad, sorry, and pathetic is that?

TO WASTE YOUR MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING

I was just at the gym, listening to my iPod, which I had set to shuffle songs. Two of the the first three songs were by k. d. lang. I spent the rest of my workout wondering if my iPod was trying to tell me that my new haircut makes me look like a butch lesbian.



I think I would do well as a butch lesbian. I love going down, and I would have only a slightly larger than average female organ.

IT'S GOOD WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT



Another revelation from "Live From New York", the hefty tome about the history of Saturday Night Live: most of the writers and performers are neurotic and have low self-esteem, and Lorne Michaels is often telling them that they could be funnier. Hey, that describes me perfectly! Where do I sign? Oh yeah, there's that small issue of being at least somewhat funny in the first place. Oh well. Back to boiling oil.

IF YOU BUILD IT...



My wife and I were walking through Olde City in Philadelphia yesterday when we saw a sign at a construction site for the Masada Construction Company. Wow, what happens when they finish a building? They must have a high turnover in that organization. And they probably get a lot of competition from the Jonestown Builders and the Heaven's Gate Construction Group.

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is The Food Network.



SCENE: Bobby Baccala buries a cake at his wife's grave.



EXTRA SCENE: Pastry chef Jaques Torres from "Passion For Dessert" exhumes the cake and serves it to unsuspecting French tourists, who declare it "nutty with a delightful hint of escargot".



SCENE: Uncle Junior is declared fit to stand trial by the judge assigned to his case.



EXTRA SCENE: Next on the docket is Martha Stewart of "From Martha's Kitchen". Martha is in court for a pre-trial motion to dismiss her insider trading case. Uncle Junior doesn't help when he loudly asks her "What have you heard lately? That ImClone tip saved my ass!" as they meet in the aisle.



SCENE: Janice helps Bobby Baccala accelerate his grieving process by finally eating his late wife's last ziti.



EXTRA SCENE: Emeril Lagasse suggests they BAM! kick it up a notch by stuffing themselves full on the ziti and throwing up on her grave.



SCENE: A.J., Devon, and Bobby Baccala's son and daughter conduct a seance.



EXTRA SCENE: The spirit of "The Two Fat Ladies" late star Jennifer Paterson is accidentally summoned, and she proceeds to eat the stash of Tastykakes Butterscotch Krimpets that A.J. keeps in his bottom desk drawer.



NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: ESPN

SHAQ IS THAT TALL GUY, RIGHT?



Welcome to TCP's NBA and NHL preview for those who don't watch the NBA or the NHL. The seasons have already started? Well, that should make it easier.



NBA



Eastern Conference

Atlantic Division

Um, the Celtics play here, and I'm pretty sure the Sixers too. And that Jason Kidd guy who beats his wife, he's on the Nets now. I'll predict the Nets. Wife-beaters are pretty tough.



Eastern Conference

The Other Divison

I have no clue. I think the Bulls are in this division. Who cares?



Western Conference

Some Midwestern type name

San Antonio? How did they get a team? I've been there. It's got a nice riverwalk, and the Alamo, and this big ugly dome. That tall Chinese guy in Houston is in this division too. I'm picking the tall Chinese guy.



Western Conference

Pacific Division

The Lakers. They win every year. Why should the other teams even bother? Shaq kind of just stands there and dunks the ball over everybody, and if that doesn't work, that other guy who speaks Italian shoots threes. And Phil Jackson is over there chanting and meditating. It psyches everyone out. Oh, and the Clippers still suck.



Playoffs: Lakers in six. Whatever.



NHL



Some freaky conference name based on some old dead guy. Oh, they got rid of that? When? 10 years ago? I'll be damned!

Eastern Type Division

I know the New York metro area has three teams, the Rangers, the Devils, and the, um, Lizzie Grubman Victims. None of them will win this division, but they will all make the playoffs.



Whatever the Conference name is

Other Eastern Type Division Name

Toronto? Montreal? Ottawa? Medicine Hat? Cleveland? Why doesn't Cleveland have a hockey team? It's pretty cold there. I'll pick Buffalo. But they will get knocked out in the first round of the playoffs when the goalie starts to suck for no apparent reason.



Whatever the Other Conference name is

Midwestern-y Division Name

Oh, there are three divisions in each conference now. Ok, um, I'll go with Atlanta. They always have great pitching.



Whatever the Other Conference name is, this time for real

Midwestern-y Division Name

Wait, Nashville has a hockey team and Cleveland doesn't? That is just wrong. I'm picking Cleveland here, as a protest.



Whatever the Other Conference name is

Not really Midwestern but not really Western Division Name

I think Edmonton is out here. They have that big mall, so I'll pick them. They will also be knocked out of the playoffs in the first round, because they choked.



Whatever the Other Conference name is

Pacific-y Division Name

The L.A. Kings. No, the San Jose Sharks. No, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Phoenix? That's it, I'm picking Cleveland here too. This is ridiculous.



Playoffs: Lots of games. I mean, more games than J Lo ever played with P. Diddy. More games than the regular season, and every one is played until there is a winner, to the point where Gary Thorne and John Davidson are rumored to be lovers. Each round, half the teams will have goalies who choke and lose, and the other half will have goalies that get "hot" and win. And then there will be the finals and no one will watch because the Lakers are on and it's SUMMER for Christ's sake. For what it's worth, I'm taking Cleveland to beat Cleveland in 7 games.

WHO'D HAVE GUESSED?



I just started reading the "Live From New York" book about the history of Saturday Night Live. Turns out, they did a lot of drugs, had sex with each other, and worked really long hours. And Lorne Michaels is either a genius or a little prick, depending on who is still kissing his ass. More details as they become available.

DAY OFF! DAY-AY-AY OFF!



I spent the first day of my four day weekend watching "Y Tu Mama Tambien", the first movie in history to make three-way sex depressing. Actually it was a great film, but have some kleenex handy, especially the guys.

YOU SO CRAZY!



I spent the day upgrading our Micro I/A stations to version 6.2.2. It was every bit as exciting as it sounds.

GUTEN TAG, HERR DOCTOR



Just got back from the dentist. It went OK, but I still have a vague desire to sign up for grad school at Columbia, run a few miles, and hang out with my secret agent brother.

YOU MEAN I HAVE TO ADD ENTRIES, TOO?



For all of you uncounted several looking for the Crossbow Home Gym (which as far as I can tell doesn't even exist - I think you guys want the Bowflex Home Gym), I have been revamping TCP. I upgraded to BlogSpot Plus, which features a bunch of problems with the standard Blogger templates, the inability to automatically add comments and sitemeter code, and various other anomalies, all for $50 a year! So I spent an hour yesterday and another hour today doing all that stuff by hand that I used to be able to do automatically, and now I have the wondrous site you see before you.



Good luck with that Crossbow Home Gym. Frankly, I would recommend steroids. They're cheaper, easier, and they actually exist.

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is HGTV.



SCENE: Christopher shoots up some smack and then sits on Adriana's dog, killing it.



EXTRA SCENE: "Designing for the Sexes" helps Christopher and Adriana mediate their home decorating dispute. After looking at several options, Christopher finally decides to hang the architect out the window from his ankles while demanding a 90% discount as Adriana bawls hysterically in the bedroom.



SCENE: Tony and Johnny Sack meet under a bridge to discuss the HUD scam.



EXTRA SCENE: Susie Cuehlo from "Surprise Gardener" pops in to liven up the mob meeting landscape. This is the final episode of "Surprise Gardener", if you know what I mean.



SCENE: Paulie Walnuts rescues Tony's painting of Pie-O-My from being burned and hangs it on his wall, then has it retouched so that Tony looks like a general.



EXTRA SCENE: Joan Steffend of "Decorating Cents", where Joan remakes a room every show for "under $500", buys the painting from Paulie for $50 after the eyes continue to creep him out. Paulie later reconsiders the transaction, and for the next six months of shows, Joan has to include $100 vigorish for Paulie in the $500 total.



SCENE: Carmela drops off some kitchen decorating ideas to Furio.



EXTRA SCENE: Furio hires Joan Kohn from "Kitchen Design" to implement the ideas. Carmela comes over to check it out with A.J. in tow. Carmela and Furio exchange meaningful glances while A.J. whines in the background. "Kitchen Design" is cancelled because it's become so incredibly lame.



SCENE: Tony seduces Svetlana, the one-legged Russian woman.



EXTRA SCENE: While Tony and Svetlana are having sex, Norm Abram from the "New Yankee Workshop" accidentally uses Svetlana's artificial leg to make a flower stand.



NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: The Food Network

CHECK IT OUT NOW



I'd just like to say, it's about time I started getting my due as one of the Funk Brothers.

TIN SOLDIERS AND QAEDA'S COMIN'



In this episode of "Whistling Past the Graveyard", we look at the recent FBI warning that Al Qaeda is planning some "spectacular" terrorist attacks on such things as, um, OIL REFINERIES. For those of you who may not be aware, I work at an ... OIL REFINERY. To allay my anxiety, I've come up with a few ways to recognize Al Qaeda members should they be lurking about.



- Vendor with a Dunkin Donuts box in the shape of a hand-held grenade launcher.



- Dinghy filled with Middle Eastern guys pulls up to the ship dock looking to have their gas tank "topped off".



- 18-wheeled Ryder rental truck making emergency delivery of ammonia fertilizer and fuel oil.



- American Airlines flight 2785, close enough that I can read the in-flight magazine.



- The new IT guy from Saudi Arabia, Ibrahim .

I'LL BE MISSING YOU



To the 20 or so people who accidentally view my site: I'll be at a training class all week, and won't have access to the Internet. I know, you're crushed. I'll be back next Monday with more lame humor. What can I say, I'm the Orny Adams of blogging.

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is MSNBC.



SCENE: Ralphie's son get shot accidentally with an arrow.



EXTRA SCENE: HBO/MSNBC Investigates does an hour on bow and arrow safety, repeated for the next two years, which nobody watches.



SCENE: Ralphie snubs Paulie at the Bada Bing.



EXTRA SCENE: Ralphie and Paulie appear on Hardball to resolve their dispute, but are drowned out by Chris Matthews, waxing rhapsodic about his Irish Catholic upbringing, to the point where Ralphie and Paulie both shoot him.



SCENE: Ralphie's horse is killed in an electrical fire.



EXTRA SCENE: HBO/MSNBC Investigates does an hour on electrical safety which is repeated for 3 years, which absolutely nobody ever watches. (I have a lot of balls making fun of MSNBC's ratings considering I usually get 4 accidental hits a day from people looking for information on the Crossbow Home Gym.)



SCENE: Tony kills Ralphie, and Christopher rips the toupee off Ralphie's head while preparing the body for being "disappeared".



EXTRA SCENE: Ashleigh Banfield appears to give the toupee a treatment with L'Oreal Candlelit Golden Brown to help Ralphie stay inconspicuous in the afterlife.



NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: HGTV

SO I RANT, I RANT SO FAR AWAAAAY



I know the rant has got to be the most cliched type of post in the blogger world, but I can't stand it anymore:



What the flying fuck does "breezy" mean? The public radio station in Philadelphia, WHYY, gets its weather forecasts from the Franklin Institute. Nearly every goddamned day, they describe the weather as being "breezy". "Sunny, breezy, highs in the 50's...Milder, breezy, 30% chance of rain...turning breezy later, mostly cloudy, lows in the 30's". EVERY GODDAMNED DAY! Is breezy the same as windy? If it is, why not say "windy"? If it's not windy, then it must be less than windy. How much less? Where does windy become breezy? 5 mph? 10 mph? Is it the capriciousness of the wind as opposed to the speed? And if it is, why in the hell are they trying to describe the capriciousness of wind anyway?



Look, in scientific terms, the movement of air over the surface of the earth is called WIND. A breeze is a light wind of indeterminate speed and force, and is a word often used by fiction writers and poets. It is not to be used as a scientific term in a weather forecast, dammit! If you are going to mention the wind, tell me the expected speed of the wind and its expected prevailing direction. If you don't know, just say it is "variable". Saying it is breezy every fucking day is useless! It says nothing. It's just a meaningless word put in to take up space. STOP IT!



Thank you.

DUH!



So today on the Cassandra mailing list, some guy is asking, should his company go forward with Unix or Windows hardware, and one guy writes that his Sparc box has been running for 500 days, and this bonehead from Invensys tells him it couldn't be running 500 days because Solaris 2.5.1 has a bug in the lbolt where it reboots after 248 days, and then some other guy writes that Sun patched that years ago for Y2K, and he has the output from the uptime command to prove it, plus a link to the patch on Sun's website! Isn't that hilarious?*



*I am now going to kill myself for being such a loser.

ODE ON A VENDOR LUNCH

with profuse apologies to John Keats, and all his descendants, and all his ancestors for that matter.



Thou still famish'd stomach of business,

Thou foster-child of boredom and slow time,

Sylvan meal, who canst thus express,

A paid-for tale more sweetly than our rhyme:

What onion-ring'd legend haunts about thy shape,

Of soups, or sandwiches or both?

In Bennigans, or the tables of Chili's

What waiters or waitresses are these? What hostesses loth?

What mad e-mails? What struggle to escape?

What drinks and desserts? What wild ecstasy?



O rotund shape! Fair Attitude! with brede

Of marbled beef and shrimp overstuffed,

With forest cake and salad weed,

Thou, sleepy form, dost tease us quite enough

As doth Eternity! Cold leftovers!

When old age doth this generation waste,

Thou shalt remain, in midst of working woe,

Than ours, a vendor man, to whom thou say'st,

"Beauty is Food, food beauty, -- that is all

Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."



Thanks, Mike, for all the lunches.

JERRY HATHAWAY LIVES!



Check it out. The Crossbow Project is closer to reality than ever. All they have to do is attach that baby to the Space Station, and they're good to go. Watch out from above, Saddam!

MEMO TO SELF: WEAR A CUP TO WORK



I just got back from a meeting introducing the employees to some of the new Vice Presidents. One of the new VP's is named Dick Severance. I am not making this up (If you've read my weblog, you'd know that I am not capable of making this up).



Man, this company means business!

EVERY VOTE COUNTS (IF IT MANAGES TO GET COUNTED)



Today is Election Day, so I'll be trotting off to the polls after work. Let's have a look at my choices:



GOVERNOR OF PENNSYLVANIA



Democrat Ed Rendell, former mayor of Philadelphia, has a double-digit lead in the polls over his Republican opponent, Attorney General Mike Fisher. Rendell is running way ahead in the populous Philadelphia and Pittsburgh precincts, which usually far outpoll the rest of the state. We losers out here in the sticks couldn't swing this thing if we found naked pictures of Rendell with John Allen Muhammed. Fisher is toast.



U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, 7th DISTRICT OF PENNSYLVANIA



Republican incumbent Curt Weldon is running against his usual token opposition. This time it's some lawyer named Peter Lennon. He'd have better name recognition if he changed his first name to John, but he still wouldn't win.



STATE SENATOR, 9th DISTRICT



Republican Dominic Pileggi is running against Democrat Thaddeus Kirkland and Independent Henry Detering. Kirkland and Detering have almost no prayer due to heavy Republican gerrymandering over the last, oh, 100 years. The map of District 9, like all the other districts around here, look like the sketches Charles Manson draws when he's off his Thorazine.



STATE REPRESENTATIVE, 160th DISTRICT



Republican Stephen Barrar is running unopposed. He's been celebrating for weeks now by stealing pension checks from old ladies.



THE USUAL GAGGLE OF JUDGESHIPS, COUNTY AND TOWN COUNCIL SEATS AND PROPOSITIONS



Who knows? I defy anyone to tell me where to locate this information short of standing in line at the county clerk's office. I guess I'll find out when I get in the voting booth, like I usually do. Speaking of which, my township still uses voting machines that were built around 1952. I'm thinking of writing in Dwight Eisenhower for every office. It seems only fitting.



Makes you feel so proud to be an American, doesn't it?

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is FOX.



SCENE: Paulie visits his childhood friend, who is the principal at a high school.



EXTRA SCENE: In a scene written by David E. Kelley, we learn more about the high school. It's an inner city school where the kids are all tough, but with hearts of gold, one of the teachers is Fyvush Finkel, and all the rest of the teachers are young and extremely good looking.



SCENE: Paulie's enforcers chase the school principal down the hallway.



EXTRA SCENE: This is only one scene of an hour-long episode of "When Mob Goons Attack".



SCENE: Tony has an afternoon fling with Ralphie's new girlfriend, Valentina.



EXTRA SCENE: Later, in another scene written by David E. Kelley, Valentina becomes anorexic and imagines Ralphie dancing naked with a dildo up his ass to the beginning of "Hooked On A Feeling".



SCENE: Tony, Paulie, and Silvio are having dinner with their goomahs.



EXTRA SCENE: In still yet another scene written by David E. Kelley*, the three mobster girlfriends are really lawyers who live together in a palatial apartment and pout a lot while wearing their underwear.



SCENE: Tony sings a passage from the song "Eclipse" from Pink Floyd's "Dark Side Of The Moon" to himself in the shower.



EXTRA SCENE: Paula Abdul lavishes praise, but Simon Cowell calls it the most wretched performance by the most disgusting pile of blubber he's ever seen, whereupon Tony shoves a .45 in Simon's mouth and blows his brains out.



*I can't even come up with a weblog entry this weekend, and this guy has three TV shows going. And he's married to Michelle Pfeiffer. Oh how I hate him so.



NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: MSNBC

THE LAXATIVE OF CHRIST











Amen.

I'M BACK, YOU SNIPER JOKE FIENDS



Yes, I have returned after a full day of ... (shudder) working...at my (shudder even more) job. The only thing to cure what ails me is: more sniper jokes!



(You're right, I reworked this joke for maximum funny. Even then it still sucks, but it's my site so I can do what I want.)

John Allen Muhammed and John Lee Malvo could potentially be put on trial for murder in 4 states. Combine them with the Rolling Stones, and you've got two groups of soon-to-be-dead guys going on tour.



Chief Moose, when asked if he was relieved at the successful outcome of the investigation, replied, "I'd rather not answer that for fear of jeopardizing the case, but please, I ask the media to relay this message to my wife and repeat it often: My duck wants to get caught in your noose. She'll know what it means."



Amid reports that John Allen Muhammad was once in the US Army, the military has shelved plans to expand it's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy to homicidal maniacs.

FIREMAN TIM



Today is the day each year us engineers and office types don full bunker gear and put out small fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Gives you confidence in the oil industry, doesn't it? They have to train people who can barely master the art of putting together cheap furniture from Ikea to put out fires. Why? Because there are a lot of fires at refineries! I hope you all sleep better tonight knowing that, if necessary, I can squelch a budding conflagration, assuming I can find an extinguisher, and I remember how it works, and I haven't peed my pants and run away in terror.



The most interesting part of the day is watching the "real" firemen at work. Yes, we have a full-time fire company in the refinery. Why? See above. These guys literally exude testosterone. You can see it rising off their craggy, leathery skin in waves. They bark at you with thick Philly accents and deep voices made hoarse by years of eating smoke. I always get the feeling, "Why am I out here?" If anything serious goes down, you know the last thing these guys want is some pipsqueak with coke-bottle glasses running around with a fire extinguisher. These are legitimate actual men here, not just a cowering undefined mass of protoplasm with male sex organs. I think they can handle it. But hey, at least I get to wear rubber boots.

SIGN NO. 7,856,203 THAT WE MIGHT JUST HAVE A PROBLEM WITH FIREARMS IN THIS COUNTRY



TUCSON, Ariz. (Reuters) - Three people were shot -- at least two fatally -- at the University of Arizona in Tucson on Monday including the alleged shooter who may have committed suicide.



A spokeswoman for the university's Health Sciences Center confirmed that two instructors were shot and that buildings on campus had been closed. She added that there were unconfirmed reports that the shooter had committed suicide.



TV station KGUN said the killings took place at the university's nursing school and that there were reports the shooter was a student.



An official with the university's campus police department had no further details.



"TV station KGUN"? Well there's your motive. He was just trying to get on local TV!

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is E!.



SCENE: Adriana is visited by her FBI handler at a card store.



EXTRA SCENE: Emme drops by for a Fashion Emergency. They scrape 2 coats of makeup off Adriana to put on the Special Agent and make them both look almost human.



SCENE: Paulie "Walnuts" has his homecoming from jail at the Bada Bing.



EXTRA SCENE: Joan and Melissa Rivers critique the clothes at the party. They give raves for Paulie's suit, but Joan gets catty about "Stripper #2", saying, "Those tits were so fake, she should be officially registered with the Coast Guard as a flotation device."



SCENE: At Paulie's party, cousin Brian the financial advisor licks tequila off a stripper's breasts.



EXTRA SCENE: The stripper is replaced by Anna Nicole Smith. Cousin Brian makes Adriana's vomiting at the FBI office a few episodes back look minor by comparison.



SCENE: A bunch of gang-bangers hired by the friend of Assemblyman Zellner shoot up a crack house that Tony and Ralphie bought.



EXTRA SCENE: Brooke Burke straps on a bikini and an AK-47 and joins in the fun as HBO/E! presents, "Wild On! Newark"



SCENE: Tony beats Assemblyman Zellner with his belt for dating his Russian ex-goomah.



EXTRA SCENE: A.J. Benza steps out of the shadows to begin the next episode of "Mysteries And Scandals". Tony beats him with his belt also, just for being A.J. Benza.



NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: FOX

WE TOOK IT ONE CLICHE AT A TIME



Congratulations to the Anaheim Angels, 2002 World Champions! I picked them to finish last and said they had a "Benji Gil" problem, so it shows you what I know. If you managed to stay up until almost midnight on the east coast and hear the post-game quotes, you probably heard the usual array of hackneyed phrases that athletes use when some perky host or hostess thrusts a microphone in their face. Well, here at The Crossbow Project, we have exclusive quotes from the other end of the baseball spectrum, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who finished with a record of 55-106. The comparisons are startling.



ANGELS' GARRET ANDERSON



"I can't believe it, man. It's been a long year -- a testament to the guys who never gave up.''



DEVIL RAYS' TANYON STURTZE



"You talk about a long year, try losing 106. We gave up almost every game. Some of the guys would order ahead at Chili's in the 8th inning so they could pick up take out on the way home."



ANGELS' TROY PERCIVAL



"Unbelievable for us, for our fans. This team has worked as hard as any team ever. We deserve it.''



DEVIL RAYS' ANDY SHEETS



"We didn't work at all. Maybe at Nintendo. We put in a lot of hours there. We even lost at that. Guys would have fistfights over EA Sports MLB 2002 so that they didn't have to be the Devils Rays."



ANGELS' TROY GLAUS



"Without everybody contributing, doing their job, understanding what they were supposed to do, we wouldn't be here."



DEVIL RAYS' RANDY WINN



"We had a bunch of guys who never learned the signs. We had at least two coaches who called everybody 'bro' all year long. I don't think they even bothered to learn our names. Not that many of us stayed on the roster very long. Half of us were up and down from Triple A so many times, they kept a room open at the local Budgetel and guys would just exchange the keys as they came and went."



ANGELS' TIM SALMON



"I got to know he's (former owner and founder Gene Autry, who died in 1998) pulling strings for us up there."



DEVIL RAYS' STEVE COX



"Who even owns us? Vince Naimoli? Is he, you know, connected?